Shenanigans
by Niki-the-awesome
Summary: Alfred is turned into a cat and is taken in by Russia, who has no idea his cat is actually a fellow nation. Alfred then destroys Ivan's furniture. Comedy ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**EDIT: Created out of extreme boredom. This story was inspired by Trisana Tennant story 'At the bitter end'...which was hilarious. Ivan is a cat and it's just, aw so cute!**

**So, I was sitting in my Sociology lecture and thought, hey, what if America was the cat? This is written based on my cat's crazy adventures =_=. **

**This is bro-mance. If you want you can interpret the later and final chapters as romance, but obviously leading up to the end it will be all...you know...befriending a really annoying cat.**

**I don't own Hetalia or its characters.**

**vvvvvvvvvvv**

It was a sunny afternoon as Arthur walked along the pavement, his shoes clicking as they hit the ground. People passed by without the slightest idea of what was happening right before their eyes. He grinned wickedly. He had made sure to google the current weather in Russia, and wasn't it his luck? A bloody snowstorm was wreaking havoc on Moscow at that very moment. Perfect. The door chimed happily as he walked into the small café, the man behind the counter smiling at him.

"Hello Arthur!"

"Hello Jack. How are you on this fine day?"

"Very good sir. The usual then?"

"No no…I think I'll have something special today…" He trailed off, staring down at the various cakes stored happily behind the glass.

"Oh, something good happen then?"

"Oh yes. Today is a very good day…"

"Um, sir, aren't you worried that something might happen to America? He wasn't wearing proper clothing for the cold." Muttered the small fairy, who was also eyeing a slice of strawberry short cake. He shook his head.

"Of course not. That idiot always finds a way out of these messes." Jack merely stared as his customer as he continued his conversation with no one in particular. A smile still plastered to his face, Jack sighed. _This guy seriously freaks me out…_

And it was at that moment, thousands of miles away, that said American woke up.

Freezing.

Laying in a dumpster.

_W..what the hell?_ His head ached as he rolled over in the trash. Where was he, and why did it smell like rotten peanut butter?

He squinted his eyes to the left and saw a hobo who stared back at him. He turned his head to the right and saw the wall of the dumpster. Begrudgingly he sat up, before freaking out and laying back down again. It was FREEZING outside! Since when was Florida so friggin cold? He huffed and slowly peeked out of the garbage bin, noticing a street to his right. Or…it could be a street. There were fleets of white sheets shielding his field of vision.

_It's snowing? In Florida? Why would it-OH GOD THE ORANGES!_ In a desperate attempt to get into action, he heroically leapt out of the trash bin, only to fall on all fours to the ground. He raised his eyebrows at the sudden signals that made no sense in his brain. His hands and feet felt as if they were the same length, and his face felt a little itchy, as if he had grown a beard (which he had managed to do only once, but was beaten by Canada who grew a lumberjack beard). But it was the sights that scared him the most, that almost made him cower. The garbage can was HUGE from where he stood, and the walls of the buildings looked as if they went up for miles…which…wouldn't be that big of a deal if they hadn't been made of bricks, or if the doors to said buildings were not equally massive. He felt like he was Jack coming up the beanstalk into the giant's territory…just…there was no hot harp chick and no golden eggs. And there was no beanstalk. And- you know what, scratch that metaphor. His mind raced, attempting to think. Where was he? Where in the world would it be so deathly cold and snow so hard, and yet be completely different from everything he knew? Where giants apparently roamed the earth?

And then it clicked. Russia. He was in Russia. Except…the last time he was in Russia, everything wasn't so big…

But it sure as hell wasn't Canada. He could tell that much by the fact that it was too dirty to be Toronto. But…maybe it was another city there?

No, it had to be Russia. America knew it had to be. He slowly began to walk towards the opening in the ally. The cold wind slapped his face over and over. It was strange, he was freezing, and yet his skin wasn't clamming up like it normally did. He squinted his eyes as the snowflakes bombarded his face. As he looked up he saw-HOLY HELL!

_WHAT HAPPENED TO RUSSIA?_ He screamed as he gazed upwards at the giants that passed him by. Sure, he was used to Russia being taller than him, but this was ridiculous! They were…they were all huge! They were like buildings compared to him! The wind almost knocked him over as he gaped at the image before him. There were not many people on the streets, but those who were walked tall and quickly, leaving as soon as they got into his field of vision. In fact, everything in this world was massive. The cars, the pavement, the houses…

But his thoughts were confirmed by the clothing that the giants wore. Thick fur coats and hats protected their delicate skin as they stormed past him, eager to get to their destinations. He wrinkled his nose, his legs beginning to harden from the cold weather. He had to find somewhere warm, and quickly. But where to go?

And just as soon as the thought came to mind, he noticed a store across the street with mechanical doors. He could bolt inside and hide somewhere while he called for help. He began to move, remembering Canada's advice to him if he were ever caught in the cold _'Just keep moving…and try not to piss off the wolves. They won't attack unless you try anything stupid…which you will. Oh, and don't run on a lake just because the ice looks thick. And don't try to make a blanket out of snow, just because it looks warm and soft doesn't mean it is, and- you know what? Just don't get lost in the snow. You'll be dead._'

Right, so all he had to do was not punch a wolf or attempt ice skating and he'd be fine. As he trotted towards the street corner he kept his eyes peeled for wolves and the tall people who would almost run over him. When he finally did make it there, he stared up at an older gentleman, his face barely visible underneath his thick layers of clothing.

_E-excuse me sir-_ Began Alfred as the man looked down on him. He hissed and kicked Alfred away with his boot.

"Get away you filthy little thing."

_DUDE! Whow! You don't have to freakin kick me!_ But the man muttered something under his breath and walked out onto the street, ignoring Alfred entirely. Alfred hissed as he followed the man, who he was quickly losing.

_Hey! I'm talking to you! Just because I'm short don't mean you can just walk all over me! HEY BUDDY! I will pop a cap in your ass if you don't- _

"Look out!" His rant was interrupted by the sudden screech of tires and undeniable sound of crushed metal. Alfred whipped his head around and gazed up at the massive car, its wheel inches from his body. His brain, not quite knowing what to make of the situation, instead made him look up at a man. His arms were outstretched and holding the car at bay, the metal under his strong hands dented and broken. He smiled down at him. "You should be more careful little one, if you do not wish to be road kill." America gaped up at the familiar face who smiled under his unmistakable scarf. Alfred stammered.

_R-russia? What are you doing here? And how did I get here?_ His body tensed as his muscled screamed from the cold. _Is this your doing? AND WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FRIGGIN BIG?_ Russia laughed as he crouched down and picked America up gently in his arms. Alfred, naturally, had a spaz attack.

"What did you do to my car?" Screamed the driver as he rushed out of the car door. But Ivan ignored him, instead staring down at the squirming thing in his hands.

"It is very cold out, dа? You should not be out here in such cold weather little one-"

_You piss me right the-friggin- LET GO! PUT ME DOWN!_ He continued to wither and squirm as Russia patted his head.

"You're so cute. Stupid, but cute."

_WHAT DID YOU JUST- Oh I am so NUKING YOUR ASS-_ and it's when Alfred's head turned that he saw the fine reflection in the car windshield. He could clearly see Russia…but for some reason he wasn't there. All he could see was Russia holding some dumb cat in his hands, the cat staring back at…his reflection…

But wait. He was being held by Russia, not the cat.

_Or…wait…does that mean…_

And all too suddenly, Alfred passed out.

Russia looked down at the suddenly limp cat, his face growing with concern.

"Oh, did you die from the cold already?" The cat did not answer. Perhaps he was pretending to be dead, in order to trick Ivan. It wouldn't be the first time someone tried to pull that trick on him. He shrugged and quickly opened his coat, gently bringing the cat into the warmth of his body. He couldn't just let the thing die out there, not after he had saved its life. He mused and walked away, ignoring the screaming citizen as he went.

**So, what do you think, lame? Totally. I was just bored and wanted to write something fun and just...I don't know, not serious. The story will pick up when Alfred goes to Russia's house and gets into all kinds of cat related shenanigans. Hope you like it =D**


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own Hetalia. And I'm going to fail my test tomorrow. Just sayin.**

**vvvvvvvvvv**

Alfred woke up as soon as his face slammed into the ground. He laid there, half in a daze, his jaw hanging open as he stared up at the other man, who glared back.

"You made my jacket smell like garbage…that was not nice comrade." Alfred slowly narrowed his eyes (one to make a point, but also because he was pretty sure he had a concussion)

_Well SORRY for waking up in a freakin TRASH CAN!_ But instead of words the thought only came out as a low growl, slowly getting higher the longer he tried. Ivan raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Perhaps we should give kitty a bath?"

Naturally, Alfred bolted from the room.

Ivan laughed as the furry creature raced towards the closest open door, which happened to lead into the guest room. Who knew animals could be so smart? Or maybe he was just intimidating the poor thing…

He thought about it for a moment before shaking his head. He was smiling after all, and no one was intimidated by a smile. Cheerfully agreeing with his conclusion, Ivan made his way towards the door and pushed it gently aside, staring into the small room.

"Kitty…I will be very displeased if you spread your stench to the rest of my home. It would be much better if you came out so I can clean you, dа?" However, no cat came running to him. Instead the room remained eerily quiet. Ivan sighed. "Fine. I will go put my clothes in the wash…but when I come back, I expect you to come out. You do not want to make me come after you little one," He chuckled, "I never lose at hide and seek you see." With that last comment, Russia moved off towards the laundry room.

Alfred watched as the other man went, only moving his gaze when he was sure the nation was gone. He looked at his surroundings and tried to make sense of the area. So he was under a bed…a very dusty bed. He sneezed and wiped his nose with his paw…

Oh right, he was a cat.

Slowly he stretched his two front paws in front of him, gazing as he flipped them over and over again. Yup. Those were defiantly paws. He opened his mouth and poked at his teeth. Yup, those defiantly weren't his normal teeth. He looked around behind him and gazed at the tail he didn't even know he was swaying around. Yup, that was a cat's tail alright…attached to…his body…

His eyes widened as the soft, yellow thing moved slowly back and forth, back and forth. It was hypnotizing. It flickered to the side and then dashed to the left, causing him to jump. But as soon as he did, it was out of his line of vision.

_Crafty bastard…I just want to have a look at you_. He patted towards his tail, but it flicked away, always out of reach. He growled in frustration as he watched it calmly, waiting for it to let its guard down before-

He leapt at it, letting out a cry as it dashed out of his line of sight. He stumbled and rolled out from hiding, now in the middle of the room. He shot up, looking at all corners of the room to make sure no one saw his sudden…mishap. With the coast clear, he went back to the tail.

_Oh, you are so dead tail. I WILL have you._

He repeatedly pawed towards it, hoping that his ghost fingers would grab it. Alas though, with a paw it was hard to grab, and he found that after a while using both paws was getting him nowhere. He was beginning to contemplate charging the beast once more when his eyes caught sight of something that flickered to his left. He stopped, his tail falling suddenly to the floor as he looked towards the reflective object. It was a tall, old mirror that reached halfway up the room. Alfred slowly walked towards it, glancing up at the tall glass as he got closer. When he finally got close enough to touch it, he looked down to see the reflection.

It was a fairly small cat in front of him…only just out of the kitten stages of its youth. It had short blond hair and the blue eyes that he remembered having as a man. It was the wisp at the top of his head, however, that made him raise his eyebrow. _Nantucket?_ He asked, as if the bit of fur would answer him. Seriously? He had Nantucket and Ivan didn't find it at all strange that this cat looked JUST like Alfred…but…you know…

As a cat…

You know what, never mind, that was stupid. Alfred glared at his reflection. Who would believe that he was a cat? Hell, HE didn't believe that he was really a cat. Maybe it was just some dumb dream after too many shots with Mexico-

In the mirror, the tail flickered, just peeking out from behind his back. He leaned in closer to the mirror, observing his prey. As it twitched again, he slowly brought his paw up to the mirror before slapping the surface. He growled, angry at his reflection because

_Wait! This is stupid! I can't grab my tail's reflection!_ It twitched again. _Well…maybe this time_- He hit the surface again. Still nothing. He squinted his eyes, now hitting the surface rhythmically, as if somehow the reflected tail would-

"Aren't you just a vain little thing?" Alfred suddenly whipped his head around to Ivan, who leaned against the doorway smiling down at him. He had changed…well…not that Alfred knew what he was wearing before, but he didn't smell like trash anymore so…

Yah

"Are you looking at your pretty reflection?" Alfred looked back at his reflection and tilted his head. A small gasp came from his mouth.

_Oh my god…I am the CUTEST CAT EVER!_

"Aw, you are such a cute little girl. I bet all the boys loved you back home." Ivan laughed before Alfred suddenly turned around and let out the angriest, most hate filled hiss he could manage. His hairs raised as his back arched, his teeth bared. Ivan laughed harder as the approached the very pissed off animal.

"Ohhh, did I offend you? I only say what is true!" He kneeled down before America, who slashed just inches away from Ivan's hand, "I just hope you are not pregnant. You weren't a slut were you-" Alfred lunged and bit into Ivan's hand, causing him to gasp before laughing even harder. He stood up and reached over with his free hand, grabbing Alfred by the back of the neck and carrying him by the fur. The American flailed and snarled at the other.

_I can't even BELIEVE You would-YOU ARE JUST-I HATE YOU._ Alfred swung himself enough so he was able to claw into the hand that held him, and yet Ivan gave no indication to the fact that he was being mauled by a very offended cat (and was currently bleeding from both hands).

"It was only a joke! You are such a sensitive little thing!" He laughed harder, barely getting the words out, "It is as if you know I insult you!" His laughter slowly turned to giggles as he moved into a large bathroom. It was white and clean with large elegant tiles decorating the floor. It was simple though, a smaller bathroom compared to others in the house. Alfred growled. He had visited Ivan before a few times, so he knew but…

He hissed a little under his breath as Ivan turned towards the sink that was already filled halfway with water.

"But you are just an animal. Besides, you can not be so smart if you would pick a fight with me." He smiled as he dropped Alfred into the sink, water splashing this way and that. America's head cut through the water as he gasped for breath, looking up at the tall man. He gave him the most hateful glare he could muster. An incredibly large grin spread across Ivan's face.

"You look so cute. Please don't glare at me, it is causing the opposite of what you want my dear."

_I AM A MAN!_ America hissed as Ivan moved his hand towards him. But at the noise, Ivan pulled back and looked at his bleeding hand. He shrugged and moved it towards the free sink, quickly running some water over the open wounds before coming back to Alfred.

"I am going to bath you now. If you bite me, I will bite you back."

_Yah, sure._

"Please do not be mistaken little one, I am very serious." Slowly, America's eyes lowered because this was one of those times where he was pretty sure that Ivan actually was serious. He wouldn't put it past him to hit him, or hell, he could really kill him if he wanted. He was just some cat after all. His ears drew back as he looked away, a sudden fear coming over him. The realization of just how small and pathetic he was.

Ivan's smile could not get any bigger.

"You are so cuuutteee!" He giggled, reaching a hand towards America before Alfred instinctually hissed at the other, baring once more his teeth. Ivan laughed and bared his own, causing Alfred to shrink back into the corner of the sink.

_Seriously…what did I do to deserve this?_ He thought as the large hand came towards him again.

"I will make you deal. I will try not to grab you suddenly…and you will not attack my hand, yes? I need it you see. Hands are very important." So instead of hissing or saying anything, Alfred instead sat there silently fuming as the other poured some kind of liquid over his head. He remained still as he let out a long, low growl while Ivan messaged the soap into his fur.

He looked over to the side to see a bottle of pet shampoo. And for but a moment, Alfred wondered, why the hell does Ivan have pet soap in his house? He doesn't even OWN any pets. But at the sudden thought came much more disturbing thoughts, and so Alfred left it at that.

It felt incredibly violating to have your ex-arch enemy bath you. Very awkward and…revealing. But the entire time, Alfred glared over at Ivan, hoping the other would be able to see the hate that came from his eyes. Ivan looked at him and smiled gently.

"I will need you to close your eyes my dear." Alfred hissed loudly, "If you do not close your eyes, I will have to close them for you. That involves me poking them you see…" Alfred closed his eyes.

And so the minutes went by, Alfred slowly dying at the violation, and Ivan humming happily as he bathed the new kitty that he had found. Ivan began to hum as he would pour fresh water over the animal's body before scrubbing more soap back in. Slowly, she was starting to not smell like garbage, but Ivan wanted to make sure just in case. If she would be spending the night, he did not want to wake up to find that she had made everything smell.

And along those lines, he wondered if she was house broken. Probably not, since he found her tramping along the street like some floozy...

_I will have to teach her some educate._

He thought as he scrubbed her belly. She let out a low hiss as he chuckled again and-

With a yelp he jumped back, stumbling until he hit the wall. The cat had let out a howl and was now out of the sink, hissing and screeching something that could only be translated to the mouth of a sailor.

Alfred spazed over the counter, wanting to charge at Ivan and attack him, but being smart enough to know that if he jumped from the counter he could break his legs. So instead he did what he could and instead, very verbally, told Ivan just what he THOUGHT of him.

Slowly Ivan began to smile and chuckle as he looked over at the cat.

"I am sorry, I did not know you were a boy!" The other's hiss turned more into a screech. Ivan continued to giggle as he covered his ears from the noise. "You should have told me sooner!" Alfred passed back and forth on the counter, a low, deathly growl escaping the very pit of his throat. Ivan nodded towards the other.

"I understand why you did not want me to bath you then."

_UNFORGIVABLE! Bro-code clearly states one shall never touch another man's junk!_

"And now I understand why you were so angry when I accused you of being a slut-" Alfred hissed again, his body slowly beginning to shiver from the cold.

"I am sorry, please do not be mad. It was a normal mistake little one!" He chuckled again, grabbing a towel off the rack, "I know how you feel. I do not like other men bathing me either! One time when I was small, and Mongolia-" His face froze as he looked off nowhere in particular. He stayed like that for a moment before suddenly coming back to reality "Yes…well…I know how unpleasant it is comrade."

_Lol, wait what?_

Ivan crouched down in front of the small cat and gave him a genuine smile. "You will not be mad at me, will you? I did not mean to mistake you for a woman." Alfred glared at him as Ivan cocked his head, "You and I are men, and so we must stick together, understand?"

Alfred sighed and looked away before slowly reaching out his paw.

_Fine…whateves._

Ivan raised his eyebrows as he looked at the paw in front of him. A moment went by before Alfred looked at the other.

"I'm sorry little one…I don't understand what you want."

_Dude…it's the bro fist. We're bro's so…yah._

"Um…a high five?" Alfred huffed angrily.

_Dude! Every bro knows the bro fist!_

Ivan tilted his head to the side and chuckled.

"Do you want me to kiss your paw? That does not seem very manly of you little one."

Alfred glared at Ivan.

Then bit his face.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…

Arthur took a gentle sip from his tea as he flipped the page of his book over with his pinkie. The fairy sitting on his shoulder gave a small sigh as she got up and looked out the window.

"I'm worried…" She mumbled, causing England to look over at her.

"Over what?"

"You know what…"

"Oh calm down, nothing bad will happen to the boy." He set his tea cup down, careful not to spill like last time.

"But…when will he be better again?" Arthur shrugged.

"I don't know-"

"How can you not KNOW? It is a very dangerous thing England!"

"Well, I just…it will wear off eventually! He won't stay like that forever you know! Just give him time and before you know it he'll pop back to normal. Now calm down, there's nothing to worry about." He cooed softly to his loyal friend. She sighed and leaned against his head.

"I just worry, that's all."

"Well, that is very kind of you, but if you recall he did-" They were both interrupted by the tiny intruder who managed to crawl up England's shoulder. England glared at the small, red headed pixie as the little creature smiled and stretched his arms.

"Well looky what we 'ave 'ere! Hey there sweet heart, how yah doin on this fine Friday mornin?" The fairy huffed and flexed her wings.

"Go away, I don't talk to pixies."

"Aw, yur no fun! Com'on girly! Just a little fun-"

"I will crush you with my book, now get off me-" The fairy leapt into the air to leave, but at that moment the pixie lunged and her and they both plummeted to the couch. He then began to- oh my-

"HEY! Cut that out RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" The pixie looked up at England and gave him the finger.

"Aw, go eff yurself you bloody wanker!" Arthur let out a gasp as he shut his book, bolting upright.

"IRELAND! Get your BLOODY pixies out of my house THIS INSTANT!" Ireland popped his head out from behind the doorway and gave England the finger.

"Go eff yurself you freken wanker!"

**Booorrreeeddd. I'm totally going to fail my Russian test tomorrow…but I'm too tired to study =_=. Please review, I would appreciate it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I edited the first chapter to say this, buy yah, again, this is going to be more of a 'bro-mance' thing. The last few chapters however, you can interpret as romance if you wish. Whatever floats your boat. I don't own Hetalia, duh.**

**vvvvvvvvvv**

Alfred woke up in a daze. After the events of the night before, he didn't want to think of anything at the moment. His eyes shifted around the guest room, falling on certain objects that held no real importance. An old dresser, the tall mirror from before, the now not-as-dusty bed…

_Seriously, Ivan needs to update his house. This stuff looks medieval._ And with another thought he concluded that they probably were.

After slowly uncurling from his very warm position, he stood up on the bed, wincing slightly at the pain from his paw. He looked down at it. With a quick glance it didn't seem odd at all, however, with closer inspection one could see the small amount of tissue that had begun to scab. Alfred narrowed his eyes. Ivan had kept his threatening promise from the night before, and so the American decided never to bite Ivan again.

_Dude, what would he do if I-wait…I'm still a cat. Not much else I can do but bite people…that or claw them to death…_ A coy smile appeared on his feline face. _Or manipulate people with my new found cuteness power. _

It reminded him of Spiderman, 'With great power comes great responsibility.' Alfred lifted his paw up to his forehead in a salute. He would only use this power for good of course, and never for evil. For that was the American way!

And at that exact moment Ivan opened the door and looked over at the cat, who was still saluting. The Russian sighed as he tilted his head to the side.

"What are you doing? Is it normal for cats to do that?" In response Alfred held out his injured paw and simply glared at Ivan, "What? Did I not warn you comrade that if you bit me then I would be biting you back?" He chuckled, "And I thought you were smart. Apparently you are as dumb as you look." Alfred let a deep growl begin to escape his throat as Ivan chuckled, taking no notice of the animal's unhappiness.

"Look, here, I have some food for you!" From behind his back Ivan pulled out a plate with some kind of…mystery meat on it. He placed it gently on the bed as Alfred huffed and wrinkled his nose at the food. "I do not have any cat food you see-"

_But you have pet shampoo_

"So, I thought it would be ok if you ate this. I'm sure it will be fine." Alfred rolled his eyes as he took two steps towards the plate. He…didn't know what it was, and from the expression on Ivan's face, he wasn't going to get an explanation either. He moved again until he was just in front of the plate, his nose slowly taking in a whiff of the meal. It smelt like…stuff…

_Aw hell, if I grew up with England's cooking I sure as hell can eat this._

He took a timid bite, slowly chewing on the food before swallowing it. It tasted like everything else to Alfred, and for him, that was good enough.

Ivan continued to smile down at the cat for an extended period of time, the silence between the two growing more and more awkward for Alfred. Finally Alfred looked up at the other.

_Can I help you?_

"Are you done now?"

…_No, I've only taken like, five bites-_

Ivan then took the dish away from Alfred, who jumped up suddenly.

_DUDE! I said I wasn't done! I haven't eaten in a day, what the hell?_

"Good. Time to take you to the vet."

_Wait, what?_

And with one smooth motion Ivan grabbed the American by the scurf of the neck while balancing the plate in his other hand.

"She will know what to do with such a rebellious thing like you, yes? Ok." America began to flail, which was becoming the common reaction to being picked up by Russia.

_Dude! I never consented to this! I don't want some freaky Russian witch doctor looking me over! I have no idea what you people do with cats! Hell, knowing you I could be target practice!_

Ivan chuckled. "You are always so lively! It is good to have a fighting spirit! It will keep you alive," Ivan stopped talking for a moment as the smile continued to linger on his face, his mind deep in thought, "Actually…no. A fighting spirit cannot keep you alive. It is just as easy to break the powerful as the weak. It is all about the style of it you see," He giggled, "This one time, with England…ah…wait…you are too young for that story."

_Seriously? You scare the hell out of me. You sir, haunt my nightmares._

Ivan hummed as he placed the plate on the kitchen counter and moved towards the hallway, leading towards the front door. He looked down at the slightly annoyed cat in his hand and pondered for a moment what to do with it. He didn't have a cat carrier and it was too cold outside to merely just hold him in his hand. He unconsciously fiddled with the ends of his scarf, mauling over the predicament. He could just keep the cat in his coat again, but he felt as if that would hurt the others masculine pride…

Ivan wandered off into thought. Surely if someone stuck him inside of a coat (if he were a cat) that would make him rather upset, wouldn't it? He would find it rather uncomfortable…and with further thought, possibly smelly. And that was when the idea struck him. He looked down at his scarf, then at the hall closet, the usual smile falling onto his face.

vvvvvv

Alfred gave another angry huff and growl as Ivan wrapped the thick scarf around his tiny frame.

"There! Now general winter won't eat you alive."

_He's not the one that scares me big guy._

Ivan's smile widened. "And you look so cute! Bundled in a scarf," He then giggled, which caused Alfred to tense, "You look like a little cat roll. And this way you cannot move!"

_Wonderful._

Ivan finished his wrapping before standing back and admiring his work. With a quick nod and smile, he leaned down and picked Alfred up in his arms, causing the cat to wince suddenly from the pain in his paw. Ivan frowned for a moment, a look of worry spreading across his face.

"Oh…about your paw…" He looked off, then back to Alfred, "I guess…we will just tell them that you fell, dа? That excuse has worked many times before."

…_what?_

And with that they were on their marry way.

Alfred hated going to the vet. Which, yah he knew, SOUNDED really weird, but it was true. He used to own a bunny, and of course every now and again he would have to take the adorable little thing into the vet to make sure he didn't have worms or whatever the hell rabbits got infected with. Like…bunny AIDS or something.

Anyway,

He never liked looking at all the sad animals who sat with their owners, the majority bored and miserable out of their minds. He had always felt a kind of empathy for these creatures. And now, being amongst them, the feeling had intensified to the extreme.

They had given the receptionist a shock when Ivan briskly walked up to the woman with his cat-in-a-blanket…or…rather scarf, and politely asked if she could fit him in for an appointment. She asked if he had called ahead. He said no. She snarkily asked him if he had ever visited that particular veterinary. He smiled and shook his head. She then sighed and leaned back in her chair, rudely explaining that he couldn't just barge into their office and demand an appointment. Ivan giggled. Alfred prayed for the poor receptionist.

He told her that it was rather important. She told him that every appointment was important, then went to pick up the ringing phone. Ivan picked it up instead, then crushed the receiver with his hand. He smiled and very obviously faked concern as he placed the broken plastic in front of the girl.

And with that, Alfred and Ivan got their appointment…along with many concerned and horrified stares from the other customers. Ivan took a seat in between two people, who then moved to allow room in between them and the very happy, very unstable man.

_And you wonder why you scare the hell out of the rest of us…_

"Ah, I am sorry my friend, but I cannot unbundle you here in the veterinary office. You see, you, being the hyperactive spaz that you are, would simply wreak havoc upon this poor office," Ivan pouted, "And that would be very bad you see."

Alfred sighed, having no idea what to make of the situation. For a few moments in the car ride there, he had considered planning an escape…but then he realized that he was a cat. During winter. He LITERALLY had nowhere to go. So he was stuck for now, wrestling with the very little options he had.

"I know what you're thinking." Alfred's heart stopped as he attempted to look up at Russia, which was impossible since he could not move his neck, "And you should cease such thoughts. It will never happen."

_What, you can read my MIND now?_ He mentally screamed as Ivan adjusted the bundle of cat on his lap. He then adjusted Alfred so he could look up at the man.

"I saw you looking at that pretty cat over there, but I must tell you, no hitting on girls while at the vet's." Alfred glared as hard as he could at Russia.

_I hate you so much._

"I know you do."

…_wait WHAT?_

"Umm…?" Ivan looked up from the cat to the now very frightened secretary, "the vet…she'll see you now."

"You mean my cat?" There was a very long silence before she nodded.

"Y-yah…your cat…"

And so they went inside.

"So, Mr. Braginski, what can I do for you and your…cat?" Ivan had set Alfred down on the table, who was still immobile due to the scarf tied tightly around him.

"I would like you to check him for shots and…such." He trailed off, obviously not knowing very well how the process worked.

"Um…alright then." She gently leaned over Alfred and slowly began to unwind the thick layer of cloth until finally his tiny body was free. Alfred stretched out before standing awkwardly on all fours. The table was far too cold to sit on. "Where did you find him?" She asked, pulling out some sort of device and lifting up one of Alfred's ears, checking inside.

"He was playing in traffic, so I saved him." Alfred whipped his head around to glare at Ivan.

_I was NOT playing in TRAFFIC dude! England taught me at least THAT MUCH._

"Hmmm, so not the sharpest tool in the shed then?" They both giggled together as Alfred let out a low growl.

_Oh, you two can both go to hell!_

She continued to look over Alfred's body, his frail frame beginning to shiver while being exposed to the chilled environment. Finally she pulled away, a surprised look on her face.

"For a stray, he seems perfectly healthy-"

_Suck it Russia._

"But what I find odd is the fact that his hair is so thin, yet you found him outside…He couldn't have lived out there long, he would have died within an hour."

"Perhaps someone lost him?" Ivan asked, for some reason pointing his finger up when he asked. She nodded before turning to a computer on her desk, quickly typing away at the keys. Alfred let out a sigh. How long was this going to take? He seriously needed some food…

The woman turned back to Alfred and picked up his left paw, holding some kind of device to it. When nothing happened, she waved the device over his body. He guessed this meant something bad because a scowl came over her face.

"He doesn't have a chip in him...but he is too healthy for a stray…" She stood at full height and leaned against the table, "Well…he seems perfectly fine…and fairly well behaved," Alfred noticed the slight chuckle Russia made before she continued, "So, I don't think he will be needing any shots."

_SCORE!_

"So, he is healthy then?"

"Yes."

"So he is acceptable for a shelter then?" America tensed, the sudden thought and idea of why they were at the vet dawning upon him.

"Yes, they should accept him just fine. But…it is important to know that in some shelters they will want him neutered...you know, as to not impregnate the other cats."

No words could describe the look of shock and horror expressed on Alfred's face at that moment.

However, Russia just shook his head.

"No no. I would not dishonor the little one by doing that to him," A rough hand came down and ruffled America's fur, though he was still too deep in shock to react, "Do you know if they are open today?"

"They are…but, if you want, one of our workers, Tanya , volunteers at a local shelter, so she could drop him off on her way there." Ivan beamed.

"That would be very convenient. Thank you!" America remained out of touch while his body took auto pilot, turning to the other as he was addressed, "It was nice meeting you little one, but I must be going now. I hope you are not taken in by people who enjoy beating their animals…or the Polish. They talk funny." Alfred's jaw remained hanging open, his brain not quite comprehending the cruel and slightly racist 'goodbye' speech. He received yet another ruffle of the fur, "Be good, and try not to play in traffic, dа? Alright." Ivan then turned on his heel, walking towards the door. He turned back to face the doctor. "Thank you again."

"No problem-"

And suddenly, it was as if Alfred's brain had made sense of the situation, in one second, his thought process could be described like this:

Alfred was not leaving with Russia. So he would not be with Russia. This was good, because Russia was a creeper. And Alfred would go to a shelter. And a shelter meant humans taking care of him. And humans taking care of him meant that they wouldn't understand how he could understand them, or why he was so strong. And being with humans also meant that he could not contact England. Being with humans meant that he would no longer interact with any nations that he knew. In fact, if he was taken in by humans living in the biggest country in the world, then the odds of him re-running into another nation became extremely slim. Eventually he could, but it would take a long time. Time was something Alfred did not have. His country needed him. And who watched the world news more than anyone? Fellow nations. And Russia was a fellow nation, who had the phone numbers of both England and Canada. Russia also interacted with other nations, so Alfred would be bound to run into one that could possibly recognize him easier.

Yah, all in one second. He didn't always have a lot going on in his attic, but when he did it was like a freakin whirlwind up there.

As Ivan turned the knob for the door to the waiting room, Alfred jumped up.

_Uh…brain…mind throwing me a bone here?_

You are a nation. You have issues. Russia is a nation. Therefore, he also has issues, some of which are in common to yours.

As a nation, you talk to other nations. Russia is a nation. Therefore, Russia communicates with other nations, possibly ones that you are on friendly terms with.

You are a nation. You watch the news for world events. Russia is a nation. Therefore, Russia watches the news for world events.

…_.um….ok…so….wait-what?_

Dude, it's the basic theory of stereotyping.

_I thought it was rude to stereotype!_

In this situation, not so much.

_What's your point?_

My point is that you should HAUL ASS!

And so he did. Just as Russia opened the door and walked away, Alfred leapt off the counter and raced out into the waiting room, much to the surprise of the people in waiting. After this though, Alfred didn't really know what to do, so he leapt and ran in circles, hissing and making random noises, hoping to get the man's attention. Ivan cocked his head.

"Perhaps I dropped you too hard yesterday? You have gone 'soft in the head'?"

Alfred paused his frantic dance as he raced up to Ivan, mewing at his feet.

"Nyet little one, you can't come with me. You are going to find a new family. Preferably one with a dog." And then Ivan began to move towards the door, his long strides taking him quickly towards his destination. Alfred let out a screech as he leapt at the other's leg, digging his tiny claws into his pant legs.

_You can't leave me with these people! What if something major happens in America! No one will tell me! Russian's don't let their cats watch American television man!_

Russia sighed as he shook his pant leg, slipping off one of his slippers in order to put on his shoes that sat in a puddle by the door.

_I'm friggin SERIOUS man! I would rather be with the freakiest nation then no nation at all! I might never see anyone again! What would Canada do without his heroic big brother! He'd DIE Russia! Do you want Canada to DIE?_

Slipping his one shoe on, Russia reached down and swatted America away, lacing up one of his large boots. Alfred shook with nerves, his mind running too fast for his body to keep up. How to get his attention? How to show him that he was probably the only chance Alfred had at curing himself! With one last ditch effort, America glanced over at the boot that Russia grabbed, readying himself to put it on also. But instead, Alfred hopped inside, suddenly turning around and hissing at Russia's incoming foot. Ivan yelped and lost his balance, falling back. When he lifted his head up, all he could see was the little cat sitting in his shoe, its paws just coming over the cuff of the boot, its ears pulled back.

"What are you doing? Get out of my boot."

"Nya." Alfred whined, his body willing Ivan to somehow understand the complicated message. Ivan tilted his head.

"Nya? What is a nya?"

"Nya!" He cried, shaking the boot. A few of the other people began to giggle at Alfred's odd attempts to distract the tall man.

"You did not answer my question…why do you try to keep me from leaving? I thought you did not like me." Alfred looked away, a scowl on his face.

"Nya." He responded. Ivan chuckled as he kneeled before the boot.

"You are a very strange cat. Perhaps you show your friendship by pushing others away? That reminds me of someone else I know," Ivan smiled and Alfred took a deep breath. So Ivan could kind of understand, since he himself-

Alfred was cut off, "Prussia was like that too." There was a silence as the other giggled again, "People like that are not too hard to break."

Alfred just stared.

…_really? Really…THAT'S your response?_

Ivan then picked up the boot, keeping his eyes on the small, now agitated cat inside.

"Well, if you want so badly…maybe I will keep you. Company would be nice. Though…only if you promise not to bite me again."

_I promise nothing._

"Then it's settled!" Russia twirled around towards the secretary, who practically fell out of her chair, "I will keep the cat!" A few slow claps were heard by the few people in the room who actually cared. Alfred let out a sigh of relief.

The secretary stood up and nodded. She then pulled out something from under the counter. "Then…perhaps you will be wanting a collar?"

Alfred regretted his decision immediately.

**Seriously, I know nothing of cats in Russia and stuff…so if the whole medical thing was off I would appreciate it if someone told me. Hope you all liked. Is it still funny? I have a sinking feeling that I am losing the humor in it. Feedback would be greatly appreciated (or any funny cat stories you may have).**


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Hetalia**

**vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv**

Naming Alfred was only the beginning.

It had taken them FOREVER to leave the veterinarian's office because Alfred would refuse each and every name that Ivan could think of. It began simply with the secretary asking what name to put on the name tag. From there, World War III broke out. Ivan would suggest something and Alfred would hiss and growl, attempting to squirm out of the man's tight grip. After a few minutes the secretary began to offer names, and before they knew it the whole damn place was filled with Russians calling out any name they could think of.

"Peter!"

"How about Borris?"

"Oh! Mahad is a nice name-"

"Hardly a name for a cat."

By now the American was slumped in Ivan's hand, his mind dead to the world. It was only when someone actually said his name that he perked up.

"Alfred?"

He let out a purr. The secretary and Ivan both shot a look at the cat, surprised that he wasn't responding with either an irritated look or a hiss. The woman smiled.

"Oh! He likes that name!" But Ivan shook his head.

"Nyet, I know an Alfred. I refuse to name him after that boy." Alfred let out meow.

Alfred used adorable look.

It wasn't very affective...

"I refuse kitty. It would be weird calling you to eat dinner, or if I scold you...it would just..." His face scrunched up, "That is too weird for me kitty. I simply can't."

"Well...can I suggest the name Arthur?" Alfred spazed. And so they decided to just leave him nameless.

And that was only the beginning.

You should have been there when Ivan actually had to put the damn thing on.

_You touch me, I kill you._

"Kitty, just let me put the collar on."

_It says property of IVAN! NO FREAKIN WAY MAN! NOBODY owns America, you hear me? NOBODY!_

"Ugh...he is so much trouble."

"Perhaps, you should just distract him?" Offered a man sitting to the side. His dog glared up at Alfred, who stuck out his tongue.

"No," Ivan sighed, shaking his head, "This one is stupid-"

_HEY!_

"But not that stupid."

"Here," Offered a teenage girl, standing up. She placed her own cat down on the chair as she walked over. She couldn't have been any older than Alfred...and though he hated to admit it, she was a bit taller, "I've got this. The trick is the ears." She simply stated, reaching out behind Alfred's head. Before he could give her a reaction though, she dug the tips of her nails behind his left ear, scratching slightly.

His body went rigid.

His right leg twitched slightly.

It was like...it was...

Alfred went immobile in the taller man's arm, his eyes zoning off into space as the girl dug her nails deeper-

His neck suddenly stretched out, his head attempting to get her to scratch the area further.

_Oh my god...I-is this what sex is like? N-No wonder it's such a big deal! What have I been MISSING?_

"See, gets them every time." She smiled, using all her fingers now to scratch the young cat. He began to squirm under her touch, a purr radiating from his body.

Ivan let out a shaky smile.

"That is nice...but...it seems kind of...wrong for some reason." She looked up at him. He coughed, then latched the collar suddenly around America's neck. The girl retracted her fingers, and all at once Alfred was mobile again, his body shooting up in Ivan's arms.

_YOU TEASE! An- AW WHAT THE HELL?_ He tried to scratch the plastic off, but with no avail. _Damn you hot woman! Damn you and your distractions!_

And that is how they got Alfred's collar on.

It was evident enough that Alfred was one very pissed off cat when they got home. Ivan had let out a sigh of relief when he got to put the little devil down. He looked down at his coat. The cat had scratched multiple, tiny holes inside of it. He pulled it off and glared down at his new companion, and as he did he allowed the thought of 'was this really worth it' to flow through his mind.

He turned to the closet and pulled out a different coat, setting the older one aside for the moment. Alfred turned around and raised his eyebrow at Ivan.

"Since you're going to live here, I need to go out and buy some things for you...and possibly ask someone if this was such a good idea." He leaned down and gave a pout as he tilted his head to the side, "You have put me through so much trouble little one. It was such a hassle just to leave the vet's today...please do not do that in the future. If you disobey your master, I will be forced to ship you to Siberia for a month."

Alfred gave a huff.

_You are not my 'master' dude. Nobody owns America. Not even- ok, I do listen to Obama, but that is mostly because he is my home boy. And YOU sir, are NOT my home b-_

"I am serious my friend. It is what we used to do to punish people," Ivan then stood at his full height, causing Alfred to gawk at how tall Ivan really was (especially compared to a teenaged cat), "It was always 'banish to Siberia' this and 'banned to Siberia that'," He let out a long sigh and rubbed his gloved hands together, "I have been banished there a few times before for causing the tsars trouble...well...once it was trouble, the other time was just because of how crazy Ivan was," His eyebrows furrowed together, "And he was crazy. I told him to stop beating his son...so he started beating me with a stick," He then looked off to the side, his hand stroking his chin, "Perhaps that would explain my irrational fear of people wielding sticks. Hmmm."

Alfred felt incredibly uncomfortable.

"Well, either way, I am off." Ivan leaned down once more to quickly pat Alfred on the head, earning him a hiss, "I will be back in a bit. Please do not destroy my house while I am gone!" He sang, opening the door to the freezing cold, and then leaving, closing the large door behind him.

Alfred stared at the door a moment longer, just in case the man was about to come back. After a good three minutes, with no Ivan returning, Alfred huffed and looked back towards the house. It seemed...too big. It was big before when Alfred was a human, but as a cat it was kind of ridiculous. To his left led into the living room or tv room, and to his right was the kitchen, which slowly turned into the dining room. Alfred had sense enough to remember where certain places were before. Upstairs was Ivan's room, though he was never shown which door led to it. Down the hall, second door was the guest room he had slept in as a human, and oddly enough as a cat.

The place was alright enough, a mixture of old and new corresponding with one another. The kitchen was brand new, recently remodeled from the last time Alfred had visited (which was...a LONG time ago). And-

You know what? Alfred didn't care. He wasn't on the Home Decorating network for goodness sakes! The house was livable, and that was damn good enough for him.

_Besides, my house will always be cooler because it's in America...and I have like, all the latest video games._

On that note, Alfred dashed towards the tv room, hoping to see some kind of gaming system when he got there. However, when he arrived there was none to be seen. He looked around and under the large television set, but all he could find was a VHS and a DVD player. Alfred scoffed.

_What? No Blue Ray? DUDE! Living in the PAST much!_

And then he was suddenly bored. Ok, REALLY bored. Because with no video games to play, there was virtually nothing to do. Sure, he could explore but...with winter being the season, the house was already beginning to get dark, and Ivan had only left the hall light on. Alfred let out a low whine as he looked off into the slowly darkening hallway.

_This is just like one of those horror movies where the protagonist sees something move just at the end of the hallway and he goes to check it out and then a ghost eats his face._

Something moved at the end of the hallway.

If he was still a person, Alfred would have screamed.

So, instead, he naturally flipped shit as a cat and bolted for the TV room, hiding underneath the couch.

_There's nothing to be scared of! Ghosts aren't real! They aren't real! They aren't real! OH GOD isn't that what the protagonist thinks before it pops out of nowhere and-_

Alfred jumped and brought his paws up to cover his ears as he shivered. As long as he didn't open his eyes, he wouldn't see it. But he could just imagine it! Slowly turning to the side and there would be blood red eyes staring back at him-

Alfred bolted from under the couch and ran for the front door, reaching out to grab the handle...when...

Why was the handle so high up?

He slammed into the door, falling on his back slightly dazed for a moment before he looked down on himself.

Oh, right, he was still a cat.

Alfred backed up to the door and looked around. It sucked so much more now that he was pretty much smaller then everything in the house, including the furniture. At least back home he could hide in his bomb shelter (courtesy of the cold war) or break into Mattie's house and sleep with him, but as a cat, alone in a giant house, Alfred had virtually no options.

Well, he had Russia. After all, hell, if America was afraid of Russia and was one of the leading world powers, then a ghost would DEFINATLY be afraid to take on that guy. Alfred squirmed. But Russia wasn't home. He was out shopping for some sticks or whatever the hell he was talking about before.

Alfred listened to the silence as his tail slowly moved back and forth. Maybe he could wait there, by the door? That way he would be RIGHT THERE as soon as Russia came back to turn all the lights on-

Not that Alfred was scared or anything. This whole rant inside his mind, it was just that...Alfred wasn't in his peak physical form to take on a ghost, so naturally he would be a little concerned for his wellbeing.

Concerned, but not afraid.

Alfred puffed out his chest.

After all, Superman wasn't afraid of ghosts. And he could remember this one time, with The Flash-

Something fell upstairs.

And Alfred kind of...

Sort of...

Spazed and managed to jump on the glass table beside the door. It swayed back and forth as Alfred let out a loud hiss, his body rigid.

_W-WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?_

He screamed in his mind, not realizing that the key holder beside him got knocked off. It fall onto the ground, shattering as it made contact.

After that, all hell broke loose. Realizing the ghost was just below him Alfred leapt away, the sudden movement causing the glass table to also hit the floor, and also shatter into a billion pieces.

That noise caused him to race for the living room and leap for the couch, which was much too big for him, so he instead latched onto the back, his nails digging into the old fabric. It was much too weak to hold him though, so he suddenly slid down, a loud rip heard throughout the room. He attempted to jump up once more, only for it to happen a second time. Afraid to look behind him, Alfred ditched the whole 'couch' idea and instead b-lined for a chair. He had forgotten to retract his nails though, so when he did get onto it he began to pull out the stitches.

It got worse from there.

Each and every time Alfred managed to put some distance between himself and the 'ghost', something else would cause a noise causing him to run somewhere else. Soon, the back of the couch was in ruins, the pillows to the chair were ripped apart, and the carpet had its stitches pulled too tight, causing it to pucker in all sorts of places. The magazines were scattered here and there while, somehow, he had managed to turn over the coffee table. A single cup of cold coffee left on said table was now broken and spilled, its contents staining the already ruined carpet. Books were scattered, the TV somehow had a remote sticking out of it, and for some reason the DVD player was on fire.

Alfred was hanging from the curtains when a blood curdling screech and glass hitting the floor was heard throughout the house. His instinct to run, but his nails still deep inside the curtain, caused the pole above him to give way. It fell suddenly, and Alfred had to fight his way through a sea of fabric before he could pop his head out to see where the cry was coming from.

Ivan stood in the hallway, his hands to his face in a state of shock. On the ground his bags had fallen, one of them containing some sort of liquid which was now seeping through. He screamed again, and looked at Alfred, whos jaw hung open. The Russian attempted to say something, but each time he tried he just let out a frustrated yell instead. He pointed at Alfred and screamed. He motioned towards his TV and let out a kind of 'gah' noise. He grabbed his own hair and let out a noise between pain and hatred.

Alfred took a breath in-

_See...it's not what it looks like-_

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" He finally managed, spitting out the words. Alfred attempted to run towards the dark hallway, but was shocked when a hand grabbed him by the scruff of the collar. He let out a yelp as he came face to face with a

VERY

PISSED

OFF

RUSSIA

_Um...yah...when the hell did you get so fast?_

"You," He growled, Alfred flinched, "You...you...I...YOU...WHAT...I...YOU!"

_Yah...that was me...my bad..._

Ivan spinned on his heel and walked straight for the front door, causing Alfred to suddenly start swinging away from it.

_Um...what? WHAT?_

Ivan opened to door, behind which was a blizzard, and stuck Alfred outside. Alfred howled as he tried to grab onto Ivan's hand, but was surprised when Ivan did not drop him.

Instead he hung there for a moment, listening as Ivan took in a few very frustrated, deep breaths.

And suddenly the door was closed, and Alfred was in front of another one. Ivan opened it roughly and threw Alfred into the darkness of said room. The American stumbled down, realizing there were stairs underneath him.

Leading down.

Into a basement.

"You are banished to solitary confinement until further notice."

And with that, Ivan slammed the door.

And screamed again...before breaking out into sobs.

Alfred sighed.

So THAT'S how you break Russia.

**Poor Ivan. I know you're all thinking 'really? This made Ivan cry?' but I mean, come one man. Alfred WRECKED that living room. And the TV is dead. Any man would cry at what had happened to the TV...and how much it would cost to fix everything. Thank you for the review and cat stories! They rock! Expect to see them in the story =D And I would appreciate more feedback just to make sure this is still good enough for you guys. Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I no own Hetalia. Also there are rats in this chapter. Nothing really bad happens, they just kind of appear out of nowhere so yah…um…rats all up in here. **

It was friggin dark.

Like…like REALLY dark.

Like, I'm not talkin, walking in the woods in the middle of the night and a single gleam of moonlight is raining down on yah.

Yah, no.

I'm talking, in the middle of space and your helmet is painted black- dark.

THAT'S how dark it was in 'Ivan's creepy basement of doom'.

Americat-HA! No.

America stared down into the depths of nothingness (AKA the basement) and let out a very long, low whine. Was Ivan serious? After he had his spaze attack over a remotely dark hallway, now he was shoved into a pitch black basement?

DUDE!

SERIOUSLY?

_That's where they TOTALLY keep the dead bodies man!_ Alfred could already smell the stench wafting up from the belly of the beast. He could bet there were like, 5 dead guys down there. All rotting since the 50's or something. Because that's what communism did. It killed people and shoved them in basements…or…so Alfred thought.

He scratched behind his ear. Technically…he didn't…really know THAT much about communism. It was just what the presidents had told him throughout the years. And hell, that was good enough for him! All they had to say was 'it's a bad thing Alfred! Like, dead people everywhere!' and Alfred was all over it. Plus everyone had a hunch that Russia randomly raped people…though…

Again, the guy acted so much like a creepy child that it was kind of hard to imagine. Or, if he DID imagine it then it was terrifying as hell.

SPEAKING of hell-

He cocked his head to the side, the whine still escaping the back of his throat. Well, he sure as heck wasn't going to go down there. But…he couldn't wait by the door the whole time either…well…he could but…it just felt unnerving. Debating what to do took a very long time. At some points, Alfred would walk down a step, but then he would get scared again and run back up to the top.

The positive thing to his indecisiveness though, was the fact that his eyes were adjusting, and since he was a cat, it was getting much easier to see. So NOW it was like walking in a dark forest with some moonlight. At the bottom of the stairs, he could see a wall…

And that's….that's about it…

The wall wasn't right against the stairs or anything, so obviously if you turned right you would go into the rest of the basement, but Alfred really didn't want to do that right now. He was still too frightened of what may lay down in its depths.

And just at that moment, the door opened suddenly. Alfred looked up at Ivan, who did NOT have a forgiving look on his face. In his hand he held a bowl, and when he set it down on the top step, the American could see that there was milk inside. With that, Ivan gave a huff, flicked on the light switch, and closed the door again.

Alfred stared at where the figure had been for a moment longer before looking down the stairs again. The wall at the bottom was painted a lovely bamboo green, and the bottom had that…white…stuff…that you see in houses…

He didn't know the name. Alfred wasn't really KNOWN for his architecture or home renovation.

He walked two steps up in order to take small sips of the milk, his eyes still fixed on the wall. Why green? That was kind of a weird colour…but it wasn't gross in any way so that's good. Plus it had less of a demonic look to it. To be honest, Alfred half expected the wall to be covered in blood as soon as he saw it. So perhaps Ivan had a finished basement then? Not one of those creepy concrete things he'd find in some people's homes…

He took a few more minutes to finish his milk (which he was sure looked adorable) before he took a tentative step towards the wall. He waited…nothing.

So it was safe? He took another step and waited for something to jump out. Still nothing though. After a couple of minutes Alfred had made it to the last step, gazing up at the high wall before stepping towards it and looking off to the right, to the rest of the basement.

It looked like… someone had begun to renovate it, and then got lazy and gave up half way through.

Along the wall to his left the green paint and white furnishing was finished, but as it moved to the wall opposite to him, the pain began to disappear. Large strokes could be seen from where the painter had begun the job, until finally it just stopped and the grey wall took over. A paint can with a roll brush sat to the side, along with long pieces of see through plastic. A long, white sheet lay underneath the opposite wall, as to stop the paint if it fell to the floor. Alfred looked towards the floor and noted that it was still very bare. The concrete was cold under his little paws as he cautiously moved further into the room.

Ok, so he wasn't TOTALLY off with the whole 'blood on the wall' thing. The wall to his far right had some visible stains, and it looked as if someone had attempted to scrub them away, but with no avail. As he walked closer, he could see to the left were…

Some chains on the wall.

_Ok…that's…kinda weird Ivan. Just puttin' that out there._

The final wall (the one he had walked from) held a doorway whose door was slightly ajar, and when Alfred looked inside he could faintly see what seemed to be a bathroom. Further along that wall was a small desk, a REALLY old and broken chair, and a crap-load of papers, all scattered on the desk and floor. America ruffled his fur as he walked towards the papers, his curiosity peeking slightly at the sight of them.

_Just don't turn around to those chains. A ghost would totally be rattling them if it could-_

He shook the thoughts away as he batted at some of the papers. Most were blank, but as he moved them around he saw that some had writing. He cocked his head to the side when he noticed they were in German.

_Seriously?_

He pawed that one away from the rest and noticed how it began.

_'Dear awesome me,' oh GOD it's Prussia isn't it?_ Alfred skimmed down to the bottom and noted his signature. _I knew it. He WOULD write diary entries while locked in the communist basement._

Alfred rubbed his paws together, ready to crack down on the German lessons he had gone through during WWI.

_'Dear awesome me,_

_Just another day in the totally NOT-AWESOME cell. Or Russia's basement. I don't know, it's cold down here. And Ivan took my freakin blanket away! PRICK! All I did was ask if he could send Ukraine down next time and he kicked me and took the blanket. Sheesh. Some people are no fun. I wish I had my jacket. I'm freezing my balls off down here. And that, dear diary, is not awesome.'_

Alfred rolled his eyes and searched through the rest of the papers, finding a few more notes.

_'Dear awesome me,_

_Hungary came down to visit me, but then punched me in the face when I asked if she would 'get me some sugar'. Then Ivan came down and told us to shut the hell up. So I told him where he could shove it. So he told Hungary to beat some sense into me. Oh sure, she listens to HIM but not me!'_

_'Dear awesome me,_

_Here I am in the basement. Want to know how? I'll tell you how, because you are just awesome enough to know. So I was just hanging out in the house, you know, doing my job and what not (ok, not really, but like, what? They can't FIRE me or anything) Anyway, I go to Lithuania and ask if he could cook me up something. And he just gives me this LOOK right? A look of like, you don't own me, or anything. And then he tells me that we all had to share and that just because I was a little different doesn't mean I get special treatment. So I told him that he was being really un-awesome, and he told me that no, apparently I was being un-awesome (which is an oxymoron). So…_

_I kinda punched Lithuania in the face._

_APPARENTLY, punching Ivan's boytoy was a bad idea…especially when Ivan just walked into the kitchen and he asks very politely 'comrade, why did you hit Toris?' and I'm all like 'you need to control your bitch Ivan.' Which, APPARENTLY is ANOTHER bad idea._

_So, then he took me out back (and we both know what THAT means) and then he threw me down here.'_

Alfred looked away from the letter and furrowed his eyebrows. He then wondered what possessed Gilbert to punch Lithuania. He was a nice guy! And why would you say something like that to the most mentally unstable country they all knew?

_You know, Prussia, you're an idiot sometimes. And THAT'S coming from the guy involved in the whole 'Vietnam' fiasco._

America turned to another letter.

_'Dear awesome me,_

_Ok, there are rats down here.' _

Alfred's head shot up as he looked around. Rats? RATS?

_'I was just minding my own awesome business when this little grey thing scurries across my feet. So I naturally did NOT scream and then told it to go to hell. I didn't see it again for a while, but last night when I was eating my food, this little albino, baby rat just came crawling over to me. Which was SO AWESOME because he resembled the most AWESOME Prussia! I will be honest with you diary, I squealed like a little girl and picked it up. He was just a baby, and he was so friendly! To be honest, I really miss Gilbird right now (since Russia took him away three days ago) so I've kind of wanted a little friend to talk to. So, Albino rat is pretty awesome, but the rest of his little gang is defiantly NOT cool. I gave Albino rat some food as I continued to eat, but then like, a FREAKIN SWARM just came out of nowhere. So I jumped on the desk and screamed bloody murder. It was like, the charge of the light brigade. Ivan came running downstairs and asked what was wrong,_ _and when I told him about it he was like 'oh…no I do not have_ _rats. You must be mistaking this for YOUR home Prussia.' I told him to go to hell. Then he said 'A shame…I thought you had screamed because you had finally killed yourself. Done something useful' and then he giggled. I hate him sometimes…'_

Alfred looked around the room. Still nothing…but he didn't like his chances, so he hopped up to the desk.

Which failed miserably since he was too short, so instead he just fell down and sent papers flying everywhere. He got back up and pushed his back to the wall, his eyes searching the area. It seemed empty enough…where had they come from? Alfred glanced over more notes, trying to translate German to English and keep on guard at the same skimmed the majority, only catching certain words.

_'-fighting a lot. But I'm bored anyway so I don't care.'_

_'-that was SO awkward! Why wouldn't she LOCK the DAMN DOOR? And then Russia is all like 'why are you looking at my sister bathing' and whateve-'_

_'-damn fire wood. If he's too short to carry it then why do I-'_

_'-logized for punching him in the face. I tried giving Toris props but he got all shaky. Dude needs therapy-'_

_'-larus is FREAKING CRAZY-'_

_'-mind of their own. If West was here he would be all like-'_

_'-never liked avocado. I don't know man, just not my thing-'_

_'-ure, yah, right. A magical telephone that doesn't need a wire? That's STUPID AMERI-'_

_'-keep getting sent DOWN here the whole damn time? It's not li-'_

_'-gilbird, if you get this, I love you, and I always ha-'_

But there was still no mention of it! Alfred swatted at the useless diary entries, frustration taking over. This was just like one of those murder mysteries where they hit a dead end right before the commercial break. Expect Alfred didn't have a beard…or a hot female sidekick (even though their all like 'no, she's his equal' but let's get serious here she's TOTALLY just there for the male viewers). America was so caught up in this little monologue inside his head that he failed to notice the white rat that had sat down beside him, also staring at the notes. When Alfred looked to the side, ready to start his German reading again, he let out a scream when seeing the other beside him. He scurried to the right, a paw in front of his face.

_W-WHEN DID YOU GET THERE?_

The albino rat gave a huff and pulled one of the blank papers towards it, slowly nibbling at the corner. Alfred gazed at it for a moment before moving closer. So this was Prussia's rat friend? Wasn't it like, super old now? Prussia hadn't been in Russia's house since…like…

Alfred held his paw up to his hand to count, but to no avail…since…he had no fingers to count.

_Damn._

He looked back at the rat, who stared curiously at America while eating.

_Dude, eating paper isn't good for you. England told me that._

It gave a squeak and continued to eat. Alfred's tail flicked from left to right, his mind spinning.

_Seriously? How have you been alive so long? I mean, can you really survive on just pap-_

The rat gave a startled cry and ran towards the far corner, away from America. Alfred cocked his head to the side. He wasn't THAT intimidating, was he? Well, he was a cat after all, so naturally the albino rat would be scared…

And as it ran further, Alfred noticed how it was missing some fur, and how the end of its tail was scratched and scabbed.

_SOMEONE'S been in one too many bar fights…but…you know…_

_For rats._

Alfred sighed at his stupid joke before turning around.

To the red rat army.

_HOLY SHIT!_

There was like, 30 of them! He slowly took a few steps back, his mind not fully comprehending the situation as they advanced towards him. These rats, unlike the little albino, did NOT seem friendly.

Though, they did have the same red eyes.

_Uh…Ivan? IVAN?_

Alfred called, but in his mind so it was super pointless. He took two more steps back, the two largest rats, obviously the leaders, taking the lead towards him. One bared its teeth, the other just glared at him.

_But-I'm a hero! I can't be eaten by you filthy rats! (get it, because like, they WERE rats, so-)_

One of the leaders swiped at Alfred, a low hiss escaping its mouth. He stumbled back and reached for what WOULD be his gun in his pocket.

If he hadn't been a cat…so…instead he just sort of…poked his side. Which didn't help the situation much. The second one swiped also, this time catching Alfred's right paw. He stumbled back, startled at the few strands of fur that fell to the floor, and the bead of blood. His expression of shock slowly turned into a glare as he looked at the more aggressive of the two.

_Nobody makes me bleed my own blood…NOBODY._

One hissed, he hissed back.

_Dude, I grew up in the Bronx!_

And then the rat leapt at him.

And it was like…'Armageddon' meets 'Die Hard'. Along with some wacky chase scenes from 'Home Alone' and the final scene of 'The Terminator'…but, like, the good Terminator movie, not the sucky one. You know which one I'm talkin' about.

Needless to say, Alfred went all 'New York' on their ass.

The next morning…

Ivan awoke to the constant meowing that was coming from his basement. He brought his hands up to his eyes, his fingers slowly messaging the sleep out of them before he sat up.

He glanced at his watch. 7:08…in the morning.

He yawned and stretched, the anger and loathing from the previous day gone after his pleasant sleep. After swinging his legs around the side, he hopped out of bed and walked out of the bedroom, his muscles still moving and stretching themselves, preparing for another long day.

As he made his way out of the bedroom and down the stairs, he tried his best to avoid looking into the television room again. It would just make him mad. He approached the basement door.

Ivan grabbed the door handle and opened, preparing himself for a very frightened kitten.

Instead, he found the cat to be glaring bordly at him, in a look that said 'what took you so long?' and 'why aren't you wearing a shirt?' at the same time. Which would have been normal too…if the cat hadn't been covered in blood. Ivan then looked at the pile of mutilated rat bodies beside the feline and cringed a little, his face scrunching together.

"What…what the fu-…what happened?" Alfred scratched behind his left ear.

_Bitches were out of wack, Jack._

"Did you…there has to be at least 20 of them." Ivan leaned his head in his hand, "You had quite a night, didn't you little one?"

_I hope you're happy. I killed them for you. Isn't that what cats do? Kill stuff as a kind of rent or something?_

"If I had known there would be little rats down there, I wouldn't have thrown you down there…"

_Um, do they LOOK little to you?_

"Oh! And there is one behind you!" Ivan leaned down towards the Albino rat who had been hiding behind Alfred, before Alfred hissed loudly. Ivan reclined his hand, pouting, "Oh, so this is your friend?"

Alfred leaned down to the step below him and grabbed one of the diary entries in his mouth, offering it to Russia. Russia took the slightly disgusting letter from his pet and held it close to his eyes, slowly reading over the German. He hummed, glancing over the part mentioning the white rat, and the others…oh…

"Hmmm…so Prussia was right about the rats…I guess I owe him an apolo-" Ivan dropped the paper in shock, "YOU CAN READ?"

**Hope that was ok for you guys. I feel as if the punchline was off...I don't know, hope it was good. I thought the writing style was a little different during this chapter. What do you think? And I hope the whole rat part didn't scare people! Sorry! It's just…I don't know, I randomly thought of this last night and thought about writing it in. I'm sorry if you don't like rats though, believe me the albino rat won't be a main character, he'll leave in like…a chapter or so.**

**EDIT:**

**Language explination: So, so far when America has been with Russia, obviously everyone is speaking Russian. Due to the whole 'Cold War' thing, America learned Russian way back when. He also learned German in WWI, so that is why he changes between the two languages. There will be times when a character will say something and Alfred won't understand, this is because he hasn't learned the word.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Read the bottom for random comments and whatnot. Ayla The Librarian brought up a good point about parings. The only one I can think of is CanadaxUkraine (they're so cuuuuttteee)**

**I hope that answers your question! I do not own Hetalia.**

/

Ivan sat-

Ok, more like, he was curled up in the corner of his kitchen counter, his feet continuously falling off the counter before he pulled them back on again. Needless to say, the kitchen was not built for a full grown man to hide on.

Alfred sat below him, his tail flicking quickly in an annoyed fashion as Ivan held the phone close to his ear, his face in shock and horror.

"What do I do?" He whispered. Someone sighed on the other end.

"It's a cat Ivan. It can't hurt you-"

"A CAT THAT CAN READ!"

"JESU- You don't have to YELL Ivan! I heard it the FIRST time you screamed into the phone!"

"Sorry…" He whimpered, his body still attempting to somehow put more space in between him and the unhappy cat.

_Feed me._

"Just…I don't know, throw it in a closet or something."

"I'm afraid to touch him-"

"Why? You must be, what, 20 times its size! Maybe more than then that! And you're a personification of a NATION Ivan, not to mention the LARGEST nation in the world! You can't let some feline scare you! Just…I don't know, kick it or something!"

"Нет, that would involve touching him you see."

_FEED me Ivan._

"Then throw something at it! Where are you?"

"On my kitchen counter."

"Then just grab a knife-"

_I is HUNGRY Ivan._

"Noooo….the knives are too far away…besides…I…" Ivan cupped the receiver, "I think he can understand what I'm saying."

"…..Now you're just being silly."

Alfred let out a loud meow, causing Ivan to jump.

_Not only are there teenagers starving in Africa dude, but there is a teenager starving RIGHT HERE. So FEED ME._

He meowed again, pawing at Ivan. The man kicked at Alfred's paw.

"Go away! Please go away!"

"Well FINE if you don't want MY advice-"

"Not you Serbia, the demon cat-"

"I thought you were atheist!"

"I just TELL people that!"

Alfred sighed and walked over to another side of the counter, measuring up how high it was compared to his body. It wasn't too bad. He leaned towards the floor. He looked over at Ivan once more and made eye contact before looking back at the counter.

_Seriously….and how can I hear their conversation? Aren't telephones supposed to block out the other person's voice?_

"Can't you get an exorcist?"

Ivan snorted. "I'm not CATHOLIC Serbia!"

"Well I don't know how these things work!"

Alfred crouched down, his eyes training on the specific spot of the counter. His tail slowly waved back and forth…

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"Well…even if he CAN read that doesn't mean that he can harm you! There are lots of animals that can understand certain numbers…some can even do simple math-"

"He understood slang! And the complex concept that Prussia liked the white rat but did not like the others! That's why he kept it alive!"

"Or because it wasn't aggressive towards him." Ivan brought his fingers to his mouth, slowly chewing on the edge of his forefinger.

"I…I guess that could be it…"

"And it could be that by mere coincidence he grabbed the paper that explained the rats."

"T-true…"

"Meow." Ivan turned to his left, where Alfred sat beside him, a very frustrated look on his face.

_By feed me I mean FEED ME NOW IVAN! Or did I NOT just slaughter an ARMY for you?_

And it wouldn't have been so bad for Ivan…if Alfred still wasn't covered in the rat blood from the previous night.

So…it was actually kind of terrifying.

Similar to seeing Natalia naked.

Ivan leapt from the counter and ran down the hallway in a sprint that he usually only saved for his mentally unstable sister. He then locked himself in the bathroom, his body pressed tightly to the door behind him. Someone screamed on the other end.

"Serbia? SERBIA? DID HE GET YOU TOO-"

"NO IVAN! You're stupid cat did NOT just magically travel thousands of miles to attack me! I screamed because you suddenly SCREAMED in my EAR!" Ivan held the phone away from his own ear, wincing at the noise.

"Sorry…. I did not know that I had yelled." The man sighed on the other end.

"Do you just want me to come over?" Ivan slowly turned around and pressed his ear against the door. He couldn't hear anything…so he slowly grabbed the handle and pulled at the door to peek outside.

Alfred sat right outside the door. I look of pure destruction on his bloodied face. Ivan slammed the door shut.

"Please."

And that is actually how Alfred met Serbia.

Ok, not like he HADN'T met the guy before…but…you know…Serbia wasn't really that big so…and it…it's not like Alfred only paid attention to the 'big' countries or anything! Like, Serbia had history and stuff! He did cause WWI and all!

Or…Alfred thought it was Serbia…

Or was it Finland? He really couldn't remember...

He stared into the man's dark eyes, looking at his own reflection.

_I need to stop being so cute. One of these days I might actually hurt someone._

The man sighed as he reached down to Alfred, shoving his hand into the cat's face. Alfred took a step back, stared at the hand, then looked up at Serbia, giving him a questioning look.

…_I'm not gonna kiss it dude-_

"I'm checking to see if you're friendly. You're not going to bite me are you?" The other gave Alfred a cold look as the American slowly gave him a shake of the head. He pressed his cheek towards the warm hand, as if to confirm his message.

"Yah…that's what I thought." He stood up, then looked down at the cat once more, a look of concern spreading across his face, "And…did you just shake your head?"

_Alfred nodded. Serbia jumped._

"Oh GOD he was RIGHT! You CAN understand us!"

_What is WRONG with you people? I just want some god damn FOOD!_

Serbia took a step away from Alfred, slowly circling around the cat until his back was to the hallway.

"IVAN?" He called out, keeping his eyes on Alfred, who began to let out a low hiss. "IVAN?"

"YES?" The other called.

"WH-where ARE you? Your cat is SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT!"

"I'm in the bathroom comrade!"

Alfred let out a huff.

_I hate you guys._

"WHAT?"

"I am hiding you see!"

"Um…well…COME OUT! We need to face your demon ca-"

"SO YOU ADMIT IT!"

"GET YOUR PASTY ASS OUT HERE IVAN!"

"No! Not until you calm it down!"

"UGH fine!" The man turned back to Alfred, a scowl on his face, "What do you want cat?"

_FOOD_

"Meow."

Serbia sighed. "If you CAN understand me, then why can't you talk?"

_Oh DON'T EVEN Serbia! It's not MY fault kitty vocal chords weren't cut out for languages! Maybe YOU should learn CAT!_

"MEOW MEOW-"

"Ok! Ok calm down!" He motioned, his hands in front of him, his palms towards Alfred, "Just…show me what you want. If you're so smart, go…draw it or something."

Alfred quickly turned away from the other, mumbling cat swear words under his breath as he b-lined for the fridge. He turned to Serbia, a snarky look on his face as he tapped the refrigerator.

_Me want food. You get food. Is THAT simple enough for you?_

Serbia walked over to the fridge and pulled it open, staring down at the contents.

"Um…ok…what do cats eat-"

_I don't even CARE right now! I still have the taste of dead rat in my mouth man! ANYTHING is good right now…except…you know…more dead rats._

"Um…" He then pulled out a jar of peanut butter and hesitantly placed it on the floor after taking off the lid, "Um…eat that….it has…protein."

And-

Ok,

You know how everyone has one of those lists of 'things to do before they die'? Alfred totally has one too. Number 68 was 'shove my face in a jar of peanut butter' but sadly Matthew made him erase it since his head was too big for one.

Today was different however.

Alfred dug his face inside and it was

SO

VERY

DELICIOUS.

After a few more minutes of this (Alfred dunking his head inside, licking his mouth, then shoving his face in again…and Serbia looking incredibly shocked and disgusted) Ivan poked his head out from around the corner.

"May I come in?" Serbia slowly turned his head to the side, his face still contorted.

"I think I'm going to puke." Ivan stared down at Alfred, his own face scrunching slightly.

"He…has that effect on people." Alfred brought his head up and stared happily at Ivan.

_Hey dude! I didn't know you had peanut butter in Russia! That is SOO crazy! I literally didn't even think you guys ATE half the time! I just thought you guys survived on LOTS of alcohol!_

"Um…is there still blood on his face?" Serbia quickly glanced over at Alfred before covering his mouth.

"Y-yes…there is still…blood on his face…"

And then they just continued to watch in horrified silence as Alfred devoured the defenseless peanut butter. And if one listened softly, they could hear the silent screams coming from the buttery goodness.

Later on, when Alfred had finished the entire can of peanut butter and Serbia and Russia had refused to touch it, they sat on the couch. Russia to the left, Serbia to the right, and Alfred sitting happily between them, slowly licking the last bits of the food from his paws.

"So…I guess he can understand us…" Russia mused, now back to his regular calm self. Serbia crossed his arms.

"I guess so…so, what are you going to do with him?" Alfred and Ivan both looked up at him. America tilted his head.

"What?"

"Well…I mean…are you going to do something? Like…I don't know…what do regular people do with smart animals?" Ivan rubbed his chin, looking off to the ceiling.

"Um…donate them to science I think." Alfred jumped at this, looking over at Ivan with huge eyes.

_WHAT?_

"Are you going to do that?"

"No," Ivan sighed, leaning his head back, "This one seems smart enough to escape and somehow plan my unsightly death."

_You're damn right!_ Alfred continued to lick his paws, his face in a scowl. _I already have an emergency plan in case you go crazy again man! I can no longer use David Bowie, but you just you watch your step!_

"So what? You're going to keep a cat who can understand people?" Ivan turned to Serbia, the regular creepy smile returning to his face.

"Of course! If he is so smart, then he can help me out around the house, да?" He asked, turning to Alfred. Alfred glared at him and held up his paw. Ivan tilted his head, "What is he doing?"

"I think he's giving you the finger."

Ivan squinted at Alfred, who was doing just that.

He then smiled and grabbed Alfred suddenly, causing the cat to cry out as Ivan pulled him close to his chest.

"He is so cute!"

"Um…I think when people give that gesture it is aggressive Iva-"

"Ohhh, you just love your master don't you?" The man squealed, now moving from side to side as he the crushed the small animal.

_OMG NOZ! MY'S INSIDES ARE SPLODING!_

"Ivan…I think you're killing it-"

"If by killing it you mean killing it with LOVE then YES-"

"Yes, that is EXCACLY what I mean." Ivan continued as Serbia leaned towards him, "I-I'm serious!" Alfred then went limp, "IVAN YOU'RE KILLING IT LET GO-"

"NEVER!"

And that's how the whole 'wrestling match' started between the two nations. Serbia lunged at Ivan and attempted to pry the cat from his arms as Ivan told him to go away. When Serbia did manage to rip the cat away from Russia, the larger man tackled him down, causing the new coffee table to tip over (much like its predecessor). Then there was a lot of kicking and hitting, along with some fairly racy language, until finally they were sitting in the middle of the living room, both gasping while Alfred remained motionless.

Oh.

And the living room was completely trashed.

AGAIN

And the DVD player had SOMEHOW managed to catch fire.

AGAIN.

"How does this keep happening?" Russia asked no one in particular as a painting on the wall fell. Serbia leaned over Alfred and poked the limp body several times.

"He-hey….are you still alive?"

No answer.

"Ivan?" The man asked as Russia mourned over his second demolished DVD player.

"Yes?"

"I think your cat is dead." Ivan pouted as he roughly picked up the motionless body.

"Nooooo, you can't be dead little one." He whined, throwing it in the air before catching it again. Serbia made a horrified noise as Russia continued to throw the body higher and higher, each time just barely catching it, "I was just going to have more fun with you!" Ivan then suddenly whipped his head around to Serbia, "WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE DIE SERBIA?" The other man jumped and scowled, placing his hands on his knees.

"Because your definition of love usually involves pain Russ, and that freaks the HELL out of most people!" Ivan shook his head, suddenly calm again as he petted the seemly dead creature.

"You're lying. You are just jealous that I have a smart cat and you do not-"

"Yes Ivan, I am jealous of your smart and very dead cat!" And right at that moment Alfred coughed a little, his small eyes squinting up at…

Russia.

Oh great.

_I must be in hell. Oh man…I should have listened to England and got rid of those raunchy German magazines…_

Ivan let out a squeal as he hugged the cat again. Alfred let out a cry.

"Ah-RUSSIA!"

"What?"

"You're doing it again! Put him down!" Ivan pulled Alfred away from him and pouted at the slight foam coming from the cat's mouth. That didn't look very healthy.

"Hmm...maybe eating peanut butter was a bad idea?"

Serbia sighed.

"Yes Ivan, it's the peanut butter that's hurting him, not your coma inducing hugs."

"Again…you are jealous of our love." Serbia snorted.

"No, I don't NEED whatever sort of sick friendship you have with your cat Ivan. I happen to have a GIRLFRIEND."

Russia suddenly dropped Alfred.

Hard.

Since he was holding him a good foot in the air.

_I…I hate everything…why didn't Serbia let you kill me?_

"No! You lie!"

"I do not lie! She is very pretty and I happen to LOVE her." He said as he turned his head to the side, giving a sort of 'humph' as he did so. Russia crawled towards him and sat beside his friend, quickly crossing his legs.

"Who is it? It certainly isn't Hungary is it? Austria would KILL you-"

"NO it is not HUNGARY Ivan! It's um," he looked up, almost embarrassed, "It's a normal woman…like...she's a citizen of mine."

Ivan let out a sort of whine as he leaned into his hands.

"Nikola…you are so stupid." He sang the last part as Serbia...or…Nikola straightened his back.

"I am NOT! I happen to like her…besides, I miss being in love," He gave a sigh, "it's nice having someone want you around."

"Oh? And I do not?" Ivan asked, mocking offense.

"You know what I mean! What, are you saying you don't miss being in love?"

"Ahhh," Ivan hummed happily, his index finger to his lips, "well, everyone I have loved either betrays or leaves me. It has been rather disappointing. Like with France-"

"Just…forget I brought it up-"

"And the whole on and off thing with China-"

"Yes I understand Ivan-"

"I don't know why he keeps avoiding me. He's either screaming at me or trying to get me behind a dark alley for god knows what-"

"Yes THANK you Ivan! I understand!" Ivan giggled.

"You're the one that asked."

"I just mean…it's nice to have that kind of romance again, you know?" He smiled, "Besides, we spend lots of time together. She is very nice-"

"Nooo!" Ivan suddenly whined, wrapping his arms around Nikola, "She is going to steal you away from me-"

"Don't be an idiot! She's doing nothing like that!"

"And what does she have that I do not? Hm?"

"Well, for ONE thing she loves me."

"I love you too!"

"We also have sex every other night Ivan." Serbia stared sarcastically at the other, folding his arms, "And unless you're willing to do that, she has a 'one up' on you." They held eye contact for a long time before Ivan sighed and pulled away from his friend.

"No…I won't have sex with you," He sighed, looking away, "That is like sleeping with my sister…which I also do not wish to do." He shuttered at the thought.

"My point proven."

"Can't you just have random sex with other nations? It's what the rest of us do." Nikola scrunched his face.

"No Ivan. No I won't." Ivan let out another sigh before crawling back to Alfred.

"Well…if that's what you want, then the Russian Federation will support you." Serbia rolled his eyes.

"I am so happy I have your permission."

He picked up the small cat in his hands and rolled him about, the coy smile appearing on his face.

"Soo…my friend…what does this woman look like?"

"Oh, well I have a pictu-Wait…NO Ivan, you can't KILL her." Ivan turned to his friend, chuckling.

"You're no fun."

"I'm SERIOUS. You CAN'T kill her!"

_Wh-…where am I…my head…it feels like I just watched 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind'….ugh…it hurts so much…_

"Fine, be that way." Serbia then stood up and brushed off his shirt.

"Good. And on that happy note, I'm leaving." Ivan bolted up, whip lashing the already sick Alfred.

"What? Why? I thought we were going to go out drinking!"

"No, I'm sorry Ivan, not this time." He shook his head, "I need to work some stuff out with my boss and the sooner I do it the better. Besides, now that everything is worked out with your comatose cat, you'll be fine."

"Aww, but I never get to see you anymore." Nikola nodded as he walked over to Russia, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I know how you feel. I ask my leader if I can visit more often…but with the advances in technology, they rather I have contact with you through the telephone or computer then pay for my flight down here."

"But you already flew down here!"

"Yes, but with my boss. Now I have to go see him before we go back. It's a hassle I know but…don't worry, I'll visit you again." Ivan looked down at his virtually dead cat.

"Fine…be that way. Abandon me, see if I care."

"Don't play the 'childish innocence' card on me Russ. I know your faking." Russia laughed.

"Yes, you're right. Sorry, it is a force of habit-"

"I noticed-"

"But you will contact me again soon?"

"Oh yes, probably when I get home." They gave a quick hug before Serbia went for the door, "And I don't suggest being too close to your furry friend when he regains consciousness. He will probably attack you."

"Love you too Serbia! Goodbye!"

"Fine! I'm leaving!" And with that the other was gone, leaving Alfred incredibly confused as to what had just happened.

_What….what just happened? Did...did you two make out?_

Ivan smiled down on him.

"Hmmm, I guess it is time to bath you again, correct?" Alfred groaned as the other carried him off towards the bathroom. And then and there, Alfred looked up to the ceiling, a soft whisper for help on his lips.

_Anyone…please…save me from this very colorful circle of hell…_

And due to the laws of 'deus ex machina', that is precisely what happened.

His little kitty prayers were answered. Because right at that moment the door flew off its hinges and crashed into the front hall, causing Ivan to slowly turn around to the intruder.

Faintly in the background, one could hear Serbia screaming 'you crazy bastard' as the intruder grabbed the door frame, his body heaving with heavy breaths of air.

He looked up; a smug look cascaded over his exhausted face.

"I-I TOLD you," He took another deep breath, "There were rats," another breath, "in your," He took a deep breath, "FREAKIN BASEMENT!"

And then Prussia collapsed.

**Uuuugggghhhhh. I REALLY feel like this chapter sucked…because Alfred wasn't the main focus I didn't write the narrator in a kind of…slang…badass way. I hope that was alright. I hope the dialogue between Russia and Serbia made up for it! Did you guys like Serbia's character? **

**Fun story facts: Stuff I didn't mention in the story, but is fun to know anyway. In Ivan's backyard there is a fallen tree where he and Serbia (after LOTS of drinking) carved 'best friends forever'…but it's really hard to read. And, when Ivan carved it he nicked his hand and thought the tree did it, so Serbia ripped it out of the ground.**

**WWI in this universe played out like this: Austria and Serbia are fighting over the assassination of Franz when Austria declares war and shoves Serbia. Russia then walks up to Austria, points his finger in his face and yells 'F*CK YOU AUSTRIA!' and then punches him in the face. And then that whole 'war' thing broke out…**

**Quick announcements-**

**I have fan art! I am SOOO happy! It is by Emiggax and if you want to see it it is on my user profile page! They are SUPER CUTE and I died of joy. **

**And joyheart I think had the best opinion of why Alfred knows 'chain sex' in German. Finding dirty German magazines and keeping them as 'evidence' during the war? That was awesome. **

**Thanks so much for the reviews guys! It really means a lot to me! And thanks for the cat stories too XD, they are just so cute! Like always, tell me what you liked and didn't like about this chapter so I can try to make the next one even better! Thanks!**


	7. Chapter 7

**EDIT: (check the bottom for edits) Went to bed, couldn't sleep, so I updated…AGAIN. I update too much! UGH! And I don't own Hetalia. Warning: Nothing dirty happens in this chapter or anything, but there is talk of accidentally pulling a certain nations haircurl (but having no idea what it means). Just a heads up. And Prussia being kind of a perv, but he only hints at it in his comments, so if you squint you can see it.**

**/**

Prussia devoured the poor, defenseless herd of pickles.

When Alfred listened closely, he could swear that he could hear their cries as the man bit into them, the juice running down his face. He used both hands, forking each green object from the jar before shoving it into his mouth.

Alfred swayed back and forth in the sink, his stomach lurching at the sight. Russia sighed.

"Gilbert, if you are going to eat, please do so in a clean fashion." Prussia snorted as he stopped momentarily to give a confident smirk to the taller man.

"You'd LIKE that wouldn't you?"

"Um…yes….that is why I requested it-"

"Well the answer is NO my socialist friend. When the awesome me eats pickles, he DOES so as he damn well pleases!" He bit into another one, intentionally allowing the juice to run down his chin. Ivan held his chest as he made a kind of heaving noise in this throat.

"Please stop."

"Am I getting to yah Ivan? Huh? My awesome pickle skills too much for you?"

Why don't you throw him out already? LET HIS ASS FREEZE OUT THERE! Alfred mentally screamed, his small spaz attack causing water to splash up from the sink. Russia re-rolled one of his sleeves that had become loose.

"Why is it that you always eat like this when you come here?" He sighed again, turning back to Alfred and the task at hand, "Sometimes I feel as if the only reason you visit is to eat my pickles-"

"It IS the only reason I visit bro! You can't get this stuff anywhere else! They stopped makin' them like this!" Ivan poured the soap into his hand before he massaged the liquid into Alfred's fur. The cat gave a slight 'huff', but did nothing else, accepting his fate (and, quite frankly, thought it was about DAMN TIME Ivan had scrubbed the blood off of his body.

Alfred had attempted to clean himself when Ivan moved to bath him, but after a half an hour of sitting in the sink and moving around, he finally let the man do what had to be done).

_At least it's not the spaz over there cleaning me…He'd probably molest me, knowing him._

"Gilbert-"

"Prussia-"

"No, PRUSSIA is dead, but I will call you East Germany if you wi-"

"Go to hell!"

"Like I was saying, Gilbert, as the years go by, the pickles that you are eating are getting older and older.."

"Awesome-" Ivan turned to Prussia while still cleaning Alfred.

"No, no Gilbert. They are getting old."

"Man, YOU'RE the one who never throws them out!" He said, waving one of the pickles in the air before crunching down on it, "Besides, it's like wine and woman. It gets better with age…and more experience…like a cougar-"

"No it doe-"

"And by cougar I mean older woman, not the cat Ivan-"

"Yes I know." They stared at each other for a long while before Russia shrugged his shoulder and turned once more back to Alfred, scrubbing behind the cats ears.

For a rather long time.

Alfred frowned.

_Dude…a little too long on the EARS much? _

Ivan suddenly smiled.

"You are so CUTE!"

Alfred hissed.

Ivan hugged him quickly before avoiding one of Alfred's deadly bites.

"Your cat is pretty awesome Ivan," Prussia mused, "But not as awesome as Gilbird….or my little Albino friend here." He said, pointing his thumb towards the rat on his shoulder. It ate a small slice of cheese in its hands, its eyes fixed on Alfred.

"Yes, and where is Gilbird?"

"Probably going through your stuff."

Ivan let out a deep growl as he suddenly grabbed the pickle jar away from Prussia.

"Enough."

"HEY! I was EATING that!"

"If you had eyes you would see that you have eaten them all, and that for the past several seconds you have been stabbing at nothing." He sighed heavily, shoving the empty pickle jar at Prussia. Prussia sighed as he poked at the container with his fork.

"Aw, my soviet union pickles-"

"They are gone-"

"Can I have more-"

"No. That is enough for today. I only have a few left you see." Gilbert let a coy smile play on his face as he slid off the kitchen counter stool, his forking swinging in the air.

"If you hate them so much, why do you keep them? Be honest Ivensky, the only reason you keep the pickles is so the awesome me will keep coming back to your house." Ivan smiled.

"Or, I do it because the last time I told you I threw them out, you tried to strangle me in my sleep."

"Yah…but…" Gilbert looked away, "Then…you strangled me back." Ivan giggled.

"Good times."

"Normal people don't do that Ivan-"

"Normal people do not cry themselves to sleep because they know that they are DEAD inside." Prussia gawked at him. Ivan tapped his own temple, "Ah, as they would say, I went there-"

"YOU ARE SUCH A PRICK!" Gilbird flew down at this, landing on its master's head as said man stormed around the kitchen, "Why do I even COME here! You are-UGH! I can't STAND YOU! I HATE you so much!"

"It is, totally not awesome to hate Gilbert." Ivan sang, imitating what Alfred guessed to be Poland.

"And I came ALL the way out here! Jeez! I should have NEVER left Albino rat with such an un-awesome influence like you!"

"At least I do not break into people's houses before collapsing-"

"I was TIRED man!"

"Why?"

"Because," Prussia laughed, placing his hands on his hips, "I totally RAN here to show how your un-awesome snow could NOT affect the awesome me!"

"Y…you ran here from the airport?" Alfred shifted uncomfortably in the sink.

The water was getting cold.

"Yah, the awesome me can totally-"

"How? How could you have possibly-" Ivan gasped. Alfred gasped. Prussia did not gasp.

_D-D-DID you…YOU DICK! EVEN I DON'T DO THAT!_

"Gilbert, did you…did you use the power of your nation to get here-"

"I don't pay for taxies bro-"

"But…oh my," Russia placed a finger on his lips, looking off to the ceiling, "If Prussia does not exist though…that means you took energy from your brother as well…since he is the full representation of Germany-"

"Naw, it's cool, West is totally used to me using the countries energy and stuff."

_You're a dick Prussia._

"We should check the news, see how your economy is-"

"It's ok Russia! West will just get really winded for a day and then everything will work out again."

Meanwhile, in Germany…

Ludwig lay face down in his pasta as Italy screamed in the background. It would take two days for him to wake up again, and when he did he would still be in the same plate of pasta, the only difference is that he would have a blanket over his back, and Italy would be crying next to him, dressed in black and conducting a funeral.

Back to the Russian Federation though…

"You are so irresponsible." Russia chuckled, for some reason then patting America on the head. America growled.

_Piss off._

"Oh, thanks MOM. Seriously, you are about as annoying as that spaz."

"America?"

"That's the one."

Alfred gawked.

_WHAT? I AM NOT A SPAZ!_

"Yes, he can be a handful-"

"He is so UN-AWESOME sometimes! He just…switches between awesome and un-awesome I can't even comprehend it! One minute he's inventing coca-cola, the next he's spilling oil everywhere!"

_Oh, go to hell Prussia!_

"Yes…he can be rather bothersome…"

"Ugh, and how he always eats hamburgers and is SCREAMING all the time!" Prussia threw his hands in the air, "I just want to shake the crazy out of him!"

Russia giggled. "I did not know you felt so strongly."

"And you know what else?"

"What?"

"He's fat."

And this was around the time that Alfred leapt from the kitchen sink, tackled down Russia before going straight for Prussia's legs. After weaving around his feet and tripping the man, Alfred jumped for his face, going (naturally) for the eyes.

That is, until Ivan plucked him up from the ground and into his arms.

"Naw, you are such a little handful my dear." Ivan cooed, rubbing his face against the wet and blood thirsty cat.

_YOU'RE NEXT RUSKI!_

"WHOW!" Prussia gasped, sitting up again. The albino rat stood next to him, his eyes wide at Alfred, who gave him a quick nod.

_Sorry about that rat, wasn't going for yah, but you were in my line of fire. I hope you understand._

It didn't

Because it couldn't read a cat's mind.

"Yes, my little one can get quit, ah, rambunctious when he so pleases." Prussia stood up and glared at the cat.

"Totally not awesome cat." Alfred hissed. Prussia hissed back and gave the cat a playful tap on the nose, "I can't blame you though. A dumb animal like you couldn't possibly comprehend the awesomeness it takes to be…well…awesome."

"He is actually quit smart-" Prussia motioned to grab Nantucket, but before Alfred could let out a cry for help Russia grabbed the man's arm, "Don't do that."

"Do what? I just want to rip that annoying little thing off of his head. It makes him look lame."

_DOES NOT!_

Russia shook his head. "I have a bad feeling."

"What?" Prussia retracted his hand from the taller man.

"Well…it makes me think of…do you remember the world conference two years ago?"

"Yah, where West let me go finally?"

"Um…yes…you see," Russia looked off, "Do you remember when America suddenly leapt across the table and tackled me?"

"Yah, that was actually really awesome." Alfred reached out to give Prussia a high five. And Prussia totally did which was…

Ok we all know what word he would use.

"Well, it is because I was sitting beside Canada you see and…when I realized he was there, I told him he should speak louder so others will hear. He them mumbled so, to make my point, I grabbed the hair coming from his head," Prussia gawked and pulled back suddenly, his hands almost touching his face in shock.

"What?"

"And, then for some reason America attacked me and began screaming English words I can't even begin to understand," He sighed, "It was very bothersome. And I have a feeling that if I pull this cat's hair, he will do the same."

"D-dude…you…pulled Canada's hair?" Russia raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, I did not know it was such a bad thing."

"That's….Russia…you can't do that. That's like...like.." Prussia put his fingers to his lips as he tried to think of the right words, "It's something bad man. It makes him all weird and stuff."

"What? Is his hair ticklish?" Russia then covered his mouth and giggled, "That is the dumbest thing to have come out of your mouth. And you have said some fairly idiotic things before."

_Um…I'm still wet down here Ivan. Mind drying me off or something? I'm freezing my butt off over here._

"Yah, whatever man. Just know that you should NOT touch Mattie's 'no zone'. Aw man, ONE time I did it to see what it was and stuff and…aw man…" The pale man looked off, a scowl on his face.

"Oh?" Alfred growled.

_I'LL tell you what HAPPENED-_

"Um…then Alfred somehow busted into the room and kicked my ass-" Prussia waved his hands in front of him, "But, like, he didn't for long! He couldn't handle my awesomeness you see and backed the HELL off!"

"America pulled your hair and called you bad names didn't he?" Gilbert took a gulp.

"N-Naw! What makes you say that?"

"I was in cold tension for years with that man Gilbert. Sometimes our human sides got the better of us and we would suddenly attack one another." Prussia shifted uncomfortably.

"What did he do?"

Ivan burrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Well…he slapped me. Then for some reason he began pulling my hair and calling me a whore."

"Um, what?"

Ivan shivered. "I don't know myself, but it was very mean."

_Oh, don't act like the victim! You broke a FRIGGIN LAMP over my head! Then you tried to choke me by shoving your scarf down my throat!_

"Yah, he can be awesomely scary sometimes. Which is why you should NOT pull on Mattie's hair Ivan!"

"But-"

"But nothin!"

"But comrade…you see….it happened last week."

"Um…what?" Prussia's face grew with concern as Alfred's grew with suspicion and anger.

_Yes Ivan, tell us what you did to my brother last week…_

"Well, we were playing hockey and Canada became very verbally abusive when he was winning 8-5, and he would not stop, so I grabbed his hair." Prussia and Albert stared in shock as Russia continued, "Then…because I was a bit upset I began teasing him and pulling it…and…then he suddenly began to cry and he ran away," Ivan sighed, "And now he won't return my phone calls."

They stared at one another in disbelief before Prussia threw his hands in the air.

"O-oh my god…dude…YOU MOLESTED CANADA! I can't beli-" He was cut off as Ivan tilted his head to the side.

"What?"

"Y…DUDE YOUR CAT!" Ivan stared down into

PURE

KITTY

RAGE.

"Holy-" Ivan pulled the cat away from him, now holding the cat at arm's length as the cat held a face of…he couldn't even describe it. It was so full of evil that he was actually frightened to look directly into its eyes.

"Wow, dude, that is one PISSED OFF cat."

"Um…why is he so mad?"

"He's probably pissed because he doesn't like RAPISTS Ivan." Ivan scowled at the other.

"I am not a rapist! I did not know what I was doing! I was just messing with him-"

"Oh, you were messing with him alright." The cat became even more rigid as it slowly looked over at Prussia, who shuttered.

"You're disgusting. Besides, why is it that when I do something like that, Canada cries? While when you do it…ah…" Russia fully looked at the other, "You didn't quite explain what had happened between you two."

"Um, we were just talking and stuff and I asked him what it was all about, and he told me not leave it alone so like, then I just WENT for it and- ok dude SERIOUSLY your cat is freakin SCARING ME!"

"I believe that I am holding pure evil in my hand."

"Well, do something! His look is making me dead inside!"

"I do not know what to do…I am afraid to move in case that sets him off."

Alfred was a ticking time bomb.

"You owned a cat before! Don't you know how to deal with them by now!" Russia scoffed.

"No! Russiacat was NOTHING like this! Besides…he…he's gone now."

Prussia glanced at Ivan before looking back at Alfred. "What happened?"

"Um…he ran away."

"Why?"

"Ah, well…you see…Stalin was in a very bad mood, and Russiacat is very friendly you see…so…he began getting cozy with Stalin. And Stalin did not like this so he…he kicked my cat."

"Oh…jeez…what did you do?"

"I punched him in the face-"

"IVAN!"

"He kicked my cat!" Ivan cried, "And then I told Russiacat to run for his life and I haven't seen him since!"

There was a soft silence as Russia whimpered to himself, the cat in his hands feeling a small sense of pity for the man. His body began to relax. His eyes becoming less 'I will eat your face'.

"See…times like this we need Mattie. He would know what to do."

"Oh?"

"Look, the awesome me will call him. I have him on speed dial." Prussia quickly whipped out his phone and opened it, clicking the keys for a second as Russia leaned over, glancing at the screen.

"Gilbert?"

"Ja?"

"Why is there a picture of a naked Canada on your phone?" Prussia smiled and nodded for some reason.

"It's my latest picture man. Before it was of Italy."

"Hmmm…so…he let you take a picture of him?"

"What? Naw. I broke into his hotel room and got it while he was showering. He totally doesn't know about i-"

Alfred went for the eyes.

/

**EDIT: I was going to continue, but I think that is a good place to leave it at. Hope you guys liked it. And yah, that's right; Alfred fights like a girl. And not one of those quiet girls who gets mad, I mean, the girls who grow up in the ghetto and KNOW how to tell another one to 'back the hell off from her man'. He's a defensive brother, what can I say? **

**The Pickles: My relatives are actually from East Germany, and this one time we were talking about 'back in the day' and my cousin mentioned how me missed eating these pickles that you can't buy anymore (because their all imported American pickles and stuff). Though they do like life now, they still miss stuff (like, automatic job. Not having to pay for their kids to go to university, etc.) there is actually a festival in Germany where they sell old stuff you could get in East Germany when it was apart of the Soviet Union! They sell like, really high quality shirts and stuff. Youtube it! /watch?v=Yxsrx9jBj_M**

**Thanks for all the AWESOME comments guys! I read and love each and every one! Um, for anyone who had trouble seeing the awesome fanart by Emiggax (who I love) here it is: **

**h tt p :/ i55. tinypic. com/ 33 uv7g8 .jpg**

**ht tp :/ i51. tinypic. com/ 307 voky. jpg**

**ht tp :/ i52. tinypic. com/ 33 bmzox. Jpg**

**Story Stuff: The personification of nations can either fight like people, or they can fight as a nation. When they use the power of their nation however, things can get kind of out of order if they're not prepared (so, during war it is not so bad because the citizens are ready to fight. But, for example now, Gilbert used the force of Germany while it is in more peaceful times. So this would tire the citizens and if used incorrectly, the economy could go down the hill. Ever wonder what caused the economic crises 2 years ago? Go ask Alfred)**


	8. Chapter 8

**LONG CHAPTER IS LONG!**** Warning: Um…Ivan talks a little bit about rape. I know right? You're all like 'Say WHA?' but hey, the genre does say humor/hurt comfort so yah…It goes from happy to randomly depressing, to happy to kind of depressing to happy again. Just….just throwin that out there. I don't own Hetalia**

/

"You guys are idiots." The computer groaned, the man on the screen burying his face in his hands. Ivan leaned his elbows on his knees before placing his head in his hands.

"Matvie, I would deeply appreciate it if we could move on without a lecture."

"No! No I mean it! How could you possibly- Is this why you called me to Skype?" Canada looked at Prussia, who was standing away from Ivan, his eyes on the floor, "What could you have POSSBILY done to anger it so much? Did you pull its tail? Damn it Gilbert…" Said man jumped as he scoffed at the other.

"I didn't do ANYTHING man! That psycho cat just JUMPED at me for NO friggin reason!" He reached up and grabbed Gilbird, gently patting its tiny head, "Thank GOTT Gilbird was here or else that little bastard would have taken my eyes out!"

"I resent that," Ivan mumbled, looking down at the box he sat on, "My cat is not a bastard. I am sure that his parents are both fine cats."

"Not what I meant Ivan-"

Alfred ran at the edge of the box, a loud screech leaving his mouth as he glared over at Gilbert.

_I'M COMING FOR YOU WONDERBREAD! I'M GONNA GET ALL UP IN YOUR FACE! LIKE DENTAL STYLE YO!_

"Please little one, calm down-" Alfred howled at him, clawing towards the man.

_STAY OUT OF THIS BRAGINSKI!_

"Again, what did you guys DO? I don't think I have ever seen such an angry cat in my life."

Currently, Ivan was sitting on a see-through bin, trapping the little Alfred inside. But that didn't stop the cat from attacking the walls, causing the box to slowly move to the side, much to the distress of the Russian.

"He is very strong…" Ivan mused, staring down at Alfred who snarled back at him, "Matvie, please, do something."

"I really don't know what you guys expect me to do with a cat when I am halfway across the world."

"Aren't you known for being a peace loving country? Well peace him the f*ck down!"

"GILBERT!" Ivan gasped, covering his mouth with his hands. Gilbert rolled his eyes.

"What?"

"There is a CHILD present!"

"..what…the cat-"

"No! Matvie!"

"I am NOT A CHILD IVAN!"

"Quiet dear, the adults are talking."

_STOP IGNORING ME!_ Alfred head butted the side of the box once more, causing it to move a good foot. Ivan grabbed the sides of the box as Prussia rushed over and sat on it too.

"That is one hell of a cat Ivan." Prussia gasped, too scared to look down at the vicious creature.

"I know."

"Ok…well…whenever Kumaio begins to get angry, I talk softly to him and that usually helps." Matthew mumbled, holding the bear in his arms. Kumajiro looked up at his master and tilted his head.

"Who?"

"Canada Kumaji….I'm the guy who feeds you." The bear nodded its head before leaning down and gently licking his hand. Matthew giggled and patted its head.

Ivan and Gilbert stared at the display, both feeling a sense to say something adorable, but both resisting the urge.

"Yes, but I tried that Matvie, before we called you. He gets more upset."

"Well this would be a LOT easier if you guys actually told me what happened BEFORE the cat tried to claw out Gilbert's eyes." Prussia and Russia looked at each other.

"He leapt at my face, Gilbird attacked HIS face, then Ivan shoved him under this box."

"BEFORE that."

Both quickly looked at each other and exchanged messages between their facial expressions.

'should we tell him?'

'I think it is best comrade.'

'no way.'

'why?'

'it's weird.'

'is this because you have porn of Matthew?'

'…no…'

'if you don't tell him, I will.'

Gilbert scoffed as Matthew gave a sigh.

"I can see you two making facial expressions you know."

'I'll do it.'

'No, we can calm down the cat without Matt knowing what happened-'

'I doubt it-'

'Ivan, use your brain.'

"Seriously can you two PLEASE stop ignoring me?" Alfred let out a soft whimper as he placed his paw on the see through plastic.

_I know you're there Mattie! I STILL LOVE YOU BRO! BIG BROTHER IS DEFENDING YOUR HONOUR._

Ivan then turned to Matthew.

"We are decided."

"So, what is it?" Ivan looked at Gilbert, who nodded.

"Ok, well Matt, we totally-"

And that's when Ivan began fast shooting Mandarin.

And Alfred thought 'thank god' because next to Spanish his Mandarin was OFF THE HOOK!

"*We were talking about your hair curl*"

"*What? WHY?*" Canada cried in Chinese, Gilbert jumping up from his seat.

"Wait? What the hell are you two saying? IVAN! WE HAD A DEAL!"

"*I mentioned how I pulled your hair during that one meeting and Alfred attacked me, and then the cat became very angry. After that, Prussia mentioned how he ha-*"

"*YES I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT! Why-WHY WO….I….I-*"

"*Ah! I'm sorry my friend! I did not mean to….um….about last week-*"

"*I don't want to talk about it-*" Canada cried, his face burning red, his hands covering his eyes. Alfred began meowing hysterically at the monitor.

_Matt! Aw come on Matt! Look at me! Big brother's here to help! And like, your biological one! Not that government that's making sure you don't turn socialist!_

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO SAYING?" Prussia screamed as Canada shook his head.

"*This is too weird*"

"*I really am sorry! Little one I-*" Ivan suddenly turned and pointed at Gilbert, "*Gilbert has a picture of you naked on his phone!*"

"WHAT?" The Canadian screamed in French. Gilbert took a step back as Matthew began to swear in said language before switching to German.

_Oh boy, here we go-_

"How DARE YOU KEEP NAKED PICTURES OF ME!" Matthew screamed, shaking the monitor violently as Prussia took a step back from the computer. He glared at Ivan.

"How dare you." He snarled in his native language. Russia just laughed.

"It was you or me. And I am not the one who keeps pornography of his friends."

"I-"

"I'M COMING OVER THERE!"

"What?" They both asked as Matthew leapt up.

"YOU HEARD ME! I AM FLYING TO RUSSIA AND I AM KILLING YOU GILBERT!"

"O-Oh God! He's back in world war one mode!" Gilbert screamed as he grabbed a pillow and threw it at the computer.

Alfred purred happily at the scene, his 'capturers' had failed to notice that they had leapt up from the box. If Alfred could chuckle, he would have.

Nobody-

I said NOOOOBODY-

Had porn of Alfred F. Jone's brother.

And do you know why?

Because the F stands for Gonna F*ck You UP!

"Matvie, please that is not necessary-"

"CAN IT IVAN! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT LAST WEEK." Ivan fiddled his fingers, biting his upper lip.

"Ah, yes but-"

"Just wait until I get my hands on you two," He snarled, cracking his knuckles, "I'm gonna bring back so many memories for you Gilbert-"

"Please be gentle-"

"No."

"Meow." And at that, everyone looked over at Alfred, who had not only managed to get out of the plastic prison, but had also chucked it across the room (how no one heard it is anyone's guess). He then walked up to the computer screen and began to purr at it, his tail happily flicking back and forth.

_Shhhh, it's ok Mattie. Big brother Al's got it all under control._

Alfred had only seen Matthew like this three times. Once during both world wars, and once during 1812 when he had burnt down York. But at least he knew how to calm his brother down, it was a hero's job after all to bring peace and joy to everyone (along with hippies).

_Calm down Mattie…just calm down._

Alfred soothed inside his mind, his paw gently pawing at the screen. Matthew stared bewildered for a moment before cocking his head to the side.

"Uh….what? Who?"

"America." Kumajiro stated while pointing right at the cat. Alfred's jaw dropped as the polar bear nodded and crossed his arms, "America. Alfred. He makes Canada happy."

The room went dead silent,

Save the quick heartbeat of a little cat.

That quick, energetic, hopeful little heartbeat that rang throughout the house,

Before being smashed into the ground by hysterical laughter.

Alfred frowned and glared at Gilbert, who had actually fallen onto the couch in blind laughter. Russia went into a fit of giggles as Matthew also laughed, gently stroking Kumajiro's head.

"No no! That's Ivan's cat not Alfred silly! Alfred is a person remember? Not a cat." Kumajiro shook his head.

"Before a human. Now America is a cat." Kumajiro waved at Alfred, "Hello America."

Alfred sadly waved back, his hopes and dreams shattering with each fit of laughter that rang out throughout the room.

After about 5 MINUTES-

Gilbert sat up, wiping tears from his eyes.

"That was good, that was- that was hilarious! That was AWESOME!" He cried, falling back onto the couch. Ivan nodded.

"Your bear is indeed a funny thing Canada."

"He tries." Canada smiled, now returning to his regular self. Gilbert sat up again, a smile on his face.

"And look! The cat isn't pissed, Canada isn't pissed….so it all worked out! Good job Gilbird!" Prussia cried as the creature let out a joyful 'piyo!' from his head. Canada laughed and turned to Ivan, a kind smile on his face.

"Oh no, I'm still very angry at you two, I'm just suppressing it right now." Alfred let out a sad meow as he touched the screen.

_Mattie? Don't you notice who your big brother is? Mattie? Ok, I know I'm technically not older but STILL! MATTIE! DON'T IGNORE ME!_

Matthew ignored him.

"So, as pay back, Ivan, I want a favour." Ivan sighed and slid his hand into his pocket.

"Yes little Matvie, what can I do for you?"

"Do you remember that fiasco that happened between China and my brother last year? With the pictures and everything?"

Ivan tilted his head a nodded.

"Ah…yes…"

"Well…considering what Gilbert did," Matthew sat up taller, a dark look on his face, "Ivan, break it."

Ivan nodded.

Then jammed his hand into Gilbert's pocket, causing the Albino to scream before Ivan pulled out the phone and broke the plastic metal into two. He threw the corpse onto the ground, where it sat there texting-

Save me Gilbert. Don't you love me?

On the screen.

Gilbert cried out and grabbed the phone, a soft sob escaping his lips.

"NO! SUZANNE! MY PHONE!"

And then he cried.

And Canada smiled.

"Good job Braginski."

"I do what I can little one."

Alfred laid on the table, his face covered by his paws as he let out his own sob.

"Oh, he must be worn out. He had such a hectic day you see-"

"Yah, hectic trying to eat my FACE-"

"I will take you to your bed little one." Ivan turned to the computer and gave a nod, "Good night Canada. Thank you for assisting me with my cat."

"You're welcome Ivan."

"H-how could you Matt! You heartless MONSTER!" Gilbert cried as he held the remains of his once Awesome phone in his hands. Canada glared at him and quickly gave him the finger before he logged off Skype.

VVV

When Alfred awoke, it was dark outside and the house was very quiet. To his right, Albino rat snuggled happily against him, and to his left-

PURE DARKNESS.

_Dear Ivan's house, I hate you._

But as he slowly regained more consciousness, he could see the light just peeking out of the door. He could also hear the soft melody of music barely audible from the hallway. Alfred stood up and jumped off the bed, his curiosity peaking as he tugged on the edge of the door, causing it to give way. A noise was heard from behind, and when Alfred looked he saw the rat, staring happily at him.

_Alright, if you want to follow me we have to lay down some ground rules._

_I'm the hero, and that means that whatever I say goes. That also means that you are the sidekick._

_You do whatever I say_

_You have to get in danger a couple of times just so I can show woman how awesome I am at saving people._

_You will probably have to be evil for like, 5 comic books, but it's ok because you always turn out good in the end._

_Is that understood?_

The rat scurried down the hall away from Alfred, causing the nation cat to sigh before following it.

_Why do I bother? No one ever listens to the rules of heroes…_

Much to the American's delight, Ivan had left most of the lights on, so when he walked down the hallway after the rat it wasn't nearly as scary.

When they had arrived to the television room, Alfred hesitated before entering. The television had been left on, and some Russian soap opera was playing out that he was too lazy to translate.

The American let out a whine. So far, every time Alfred had entered this room, bad stuff happened.

Should he really go in again?

The rat poked at the wall before sinking its claws into the wallpaper, magically pulling itself up.

_OH HELL YES!_

Alfred leapt at the wallpaper and, much to his amazement, we was able to stick. His eyes lit up, his mouth open in the most delightful thing he had ever felt.

He..

He…

He could finally act out spider man.

_OH MY GOSH! Albiny this is SO AWESOME! _

The rat just squeaked and scurried up the wall towards one of the vents. Alfred slowly climbed the wall, attempting to hum a theme song as he went.

_Spider cat,_

_Spider cat,_

_He's way cooler, then a bat,_

_Climbing walls,_

_Biting men,_

_You have one body guard,_

_He's got ten,_

_Looooooook out,_

_Here comes spider cat._

_SING IT WITH ME RATTY!_

But when Alfred looked up, all he could see was the little rascal sliding into one of the air vents.

_Dude! Don't go in there! Haven't you ever seen Alien?_ The rat shrugged and scurried out of sight, causing Alfred to sigh.

_Damn sidekicks these days, never listening…_

_Back in the 40's…those were the days…_

Alfred continued climbing up the wall, every now and again imagining an awesome battle between himself and the evil Dr. Octopus (or whatever the hell his name was)

'You'll never catch me alive Spider Cat!'

_We'll just see about that!_

Alfred shimmied higher and closer to the side, his goal in sight. The top, left corner of the room. Because there that was…

Um…

Where that red headed chick was being held hostage!

_You fiend! She's only a photography student! How dare you!_

_'Too late spider cat, say bye bye to your red headed SKANK!_

_NOOO! MY SKANK!_

Alfred dove for the corner, his left paw's claws digging into the soft wallpaper, his other arm free to catch the imaginary woman as she fell.

And he TOTALLY caught her.

She looked up into his eyes, the city lights below blinking around her.

_'Thank you Alfred. You saved me.' _

He smiled and wrapped her closer.

_I have to hold you close, in case you fall._

She giggled. He blushed.

_'How could I ever repay you?'_

_Well, you could let me accompany you to dinner some time-_

Because super heroes were TOTALLY savvy like that.

Plus, Alfred was raised by the British, so he was tots a gentleman.

She giggled again.

_'sounds like a plan Stan.'_

_Yah…..but…you're paying._

_'What?'_

_I'm…kinda broke_

_'You're a super hero!'_

_I don't exactly get PAID LADY!_

"Wha-wh…what?" the red headed bimbo faded away, along with the city lights. Instead, Alfred was hanging in the corner of the room while Ivan stood in the doorway, a confused, drunken look on his face as he stared up at Alfred. He leaned his head to the left, then to the right, then stumbled back into the front hall. Alfred grumbled as he looked down.

_How do get down from here…_

Alfred shimmed to the left, then attempted to move down, but with that he heard a small rip of the fabric.

_Just great…_

A noise was heard, so the American looked behind him.

Ivan re-entered the room.

With a shot gun.

And before Alfred could say anything the other cocked it and shot, barely missing the cat as he fell to the floor.

Landing on his feet of course-

DUH!

Alfred let out a scream when he hit the ground, along with Ivan who screamed and dropped the shot gun,

Cocked and loaded.

It smashed into the ground and went off, sending a bullet into the ceiling. Ivan didn't notice as a large amount of the wall above them fell onto the floor. He instead just held his chest, breathing heavily.

"Oh! Kitty! It's you!"

_W-W-W-WH-WH-WHAT T-THE-THE F-F_

"I thought you were a spider." Ivan let out a sigh as he walked over to America and grabbed him before he could dash away.

_D-D-D-DO I L-LO-LOOK LIKE A F-F-FR-FREA-FREAKING S-SPI-SPIDER TO Y-Y-YOU? YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!_

"Shhh, shhh it's ok now…the bad scary gun went away kitty-"

_It's not gone! Y-you just threw it t-to the GROUND!_

"Shhh…shhh…come, I'll get you s-something to drink. That will make you feel better." He swayed to the left slightly while Alfred shivered in his hands, still traumatized from almost being shot in the face.

Ivan placed the cat on the kitchen counter before bumping into the fridge and pulling out,

You guessed it.

Do I even have to say it?

_Hey, I was wondering when I would get acquainted with your good friend Mr. alcohol. _

Ivan placed the bottle on the counter before bringing out a shot glass and setting it on the table. He then walked over to Alfred and sat down on a stool, pouring himself a shot.

_That's it buddy. Drink some more. It's not like you're so drunk you ALMOST KILLED ME._

"You are glaring at me," Ivan sighed as he shakingly stopped pouring, "I am sorry for almost shooting you my friend…but please…the world has moved on."

_How could I have possibly looked like a spider to you? Do you even HAVE spiders in this icy hellhole?_

Ivan took a sip and smiled down at Alfred, patting his head.

"You are wondering where Gilbert is, non?"

_Who are you? France? _

Alfred asked Russia as the man smiled and giggled into his glass.

"I left him at some bar," Alfred gawked as the other continued, "He told me we should 'get crunked and pick up chicks'..but…I did not want to. And then he threatened to molest me, so I broke his fingers," Ivan sighed happily, his elbow on the counter, his face in his hand, "But I finally agreed….which was idiotic. Did you know little one? He only speaks German when he is drunk." Ivan rolled his eyes and took another sip.

_Yah, I know. I've gone out drinking with him a few times too…that gets annoying, translating all the time._

"And it gets so annoying, translating for him," This time, Alfred rolled his eyes, "But finally I managed to sweet talk a woman to stay with him. Then I came home and left him there. I hope he gets lost." Ivan smiled at the last part, dipping his head back as the last of the liquid slid down his throat.

But then he motioned for the bottle again, and poured himself another glass

Again

_You're a drunk-_

"I am not a drunk," Alfred shivered and shuffled back from Ivan who glared at him, "Everyone thinks I'm a drunk. I'm not. They are just jealous of my alcohol."

_Yah, you keep telling yourself that._

But then his face got darker. "I am also not a rapist." Alfred's ears perked up at this, his body turning rigid, "So do not say that. Because I'm not." The room went silent, save for the television that continued to chatter away in the background. Every now and again Russia would mumble something along the lines of 'except that time…' or 'but that doesn't count.'

Ivan drank the last of the alcohol and wiped his mouth, staring over at the cat smiling.

"Do you know what Gilbert always says to me? He says 'You OWE me Ivan, you OWE it to me'. I don't owe him anything. I never touched him, so why would he say that? Russia invaded Germany…but not Gilbert. Do you understand? Th-the difference between the two, can you see it too?" Alfred slowly nodded to the other.

He knew the difference.

He lived the difference.

"The countries use the word rape but…it's not the same as it is for humans. When a country is invaded or raped or what you may call it…the body isn't…the other country…the one doing it does not have to be there," Ivan poured himself another drink, "When France invaded Russia, it hurt so much. Inside. Before the scouts came to warn us about Napoleon…I already knew someone had…how do I describe it? You suddenly feel hurt, but inside. Like…humiliation and betrayal. Sometimes it is not as bad, because you are not friends with the one trying to take your home but…when it is someone you know…it hurts much more. You feel useless…hopeless…most of the countries cry when it happens, but for some reason we never talk about it," He laughed at that. It came so suddenly out of his mouth that Alfred was taken aback and jumped.

"That is why, your country can invade others while yours is invaded, but the one representing it…they can remain untouched. Do you understand like Hong Kong or," He paused, looking up at the ceiling, "No…not him. South Korea? He is young but…I have my doubts. His brother you see…" He then brought a hand to his mouth, gently tugging on a part of his lip while he thought. After a moment he laughed, but his face wasn't happy, "I…I actually don't know if I can think of anyone…is that sad? That even our own kind forgets the difference? Just because you break the land to be your own does not mean you must then break the person's body…the two do not go together and yet…" He buried his face into his hands, "We forget the difference." He suddenly inhaled sharply, as if a new thought came to mind before he threw it away. Too painful to think about.

So he remained silent instead.

Alfred sat uncomfortably, not enjoying when fun moments became dark. He never liked that. He always preferred happy things. Warm things. Like building forts with Canada, or going hiking in the spring. He remembered how happy he was when he first met Britain…

But he could still remember…down inside…that weird feeling of losing something.

After many years, he guessed that's what it felt like to be found.

Ivan sat up suddenly at a noise coming from the other end of the counter. They both stared at the Albino rat, who had cocked his head to the side. He was covered in cobwebs and dust, and when Ivan caught sight of him he began to giggle.

"You look so silly. Come here. Let me clean you." The rat hesitated and looked to Alfred, who gave a slow nod. The albino then walked over to Ivan and sniffed his fingers, causing the other to squeal in delight.

_Ok, dark moment gone._

Ivan was acting like a 16 year old girl again.

"That tickles!" He cried as the rat moved against his hand, the other hand quickly rubbing the dust and other dirt off of his fine fur, "There, all done." He sighed, leaning his head down on the table. The rat walked up to Ivan's face and began sniffing his nose, its whiskers brushing over the other's face. Ivan squealed again and moved away, playfully batting away the rat who continued to sniff at him.

_You are SO wasted._

They continued before Ivan stopped altogether and just laid there, his breaths coming in and out in even amounts. Alfred rolled his eyes at his passed out companion before walking over to the rat.

_Good job, you tired him out._

The rat gave a kind of smile before yawning and moving towards Ivan's open hand. It then hopped inside, Ivan's giant fingers curling up around the rat as it let out a small yawn and curled up, ready for some rest. Alfred's eyelids began to droop as he thought of the same thing. His eyes wandered to the clock on the kitchen stove.

3AM

_Slllleeeeepppp_

His mind moaned as he sighed and looked around.

Too lazy to go back to the room.

Too cold to sleep on the counter.

He moved closer to Ivan and poked his head.

_Get up. Put me in bed. I don't wana walk._

No response.

_Iiiiiivvvvvaaaaannnn come oooooonnnnn_

He whined. Still nothing.

Sighing with defeat, Alfred dug his claws into Russia' scalp.

_Nadda._

So he climbed up, once scratching Ivan's lip with his left foot paw before fully scrambling onto the other's head.

Ivan's head was warm…and the hair wasn't too bad to sleep on.

Alfred pawed the scalp, for some reason hoping it would become softer, but when it didn't he just shrugged and curled up, ready for a nice nap as Russia's hat.

2 HOURS LATER

Prussia stumbled inside, his drink sloshing on the floor as he motioned to no one behind him to be quick. He quietly (just kidding, he TOTALLY SLAMMED IT) shut the door and walked into the kitchen to see Ivan knocked out with a-

Oh god

"Ivan-" Prussia hissed, more beer falling onto the floor, "There's a f*cking SPIDER on your head man!"

Nothing.

Prussia groaned as he stumbled over to the man and sat down on the stool beside him.

"I am so awesomely wasted. The stuff here isn't as good as West's but…it will do Ivan…it will do…" He took a swig and set it down, glaring at the 'spider' on Russia's head.

"You should….since when did you get big ass spiders in Russia? Not awesome man…I hate spider…s…" He leaned into the other's shoulder. "Hey, hey guess what? I got laid. It was great."

Silence.

"I don't know what she was saying though…she was speaking this really weird…demon language. It was…messed up. It was- still awesome though."

The unconscious man moaned. Prussia smiled.

"I'm glad you're happy for the awesome me even though you-you ditched me! You-you ditcher! Prick!" He suddenly fell against the man, the wave of exhaustion overcoming his body.

"I should have known. You do it every other time we go drinking."

Silence.

"Are you mad? Is that why you're not talking?"

Silence.

"I see how i-it is. Y-your just intimidated by m-my awesome aura. It's cool. E-everyone else is."

Silence.

"Hey….hey…."

Silence.

"What happens when the pickles do run out? Then I w-won't have an e-excuse to see you anymore."

Outside, far away, a bird cried out.

Gilbert sighed.

"I kind of miss it….sometimes…no-not a lot…but a little sometimes…like…I can't live without West…and…I l-like being able to g-get a CAR whe-when I god damn WANT I-Ivan….but…I th-think sometimes….it feels a little…lonely like…we're all ou-out for ourselves…when before it w-was like…we were a f-family….and I d-don't feel as c-connected anymore…."

He nuzzled his face into the other's scarf, his fingers dancing around the bottom of the threads.

"S-sometimes….I miss…no… I don't rea-really miss you be-because you co-could be damn s-scary but I-I think then at least…all I had to f-fear was you…be-because I co-could sleep kn-knowing you were upstairs right? L-like…America was-wasn't gonna bust thr-through the door because you w-were there and the only thing to b-be afraid of was you…I think…I was scared then….I'm still scared… a different scared….At least you wanted me….you w-wanted us but…no one w-wants me an-any-anymore…"

He pulled the end of the scarf up and wrapped it around his face, his spare hand wrapping itself around the other so that he could be closer.

And it smelled like a really long time ago. When things were different.

Maybe not better.

Maybe not worse…

Just different from now…

Prussia then slowly lifted up his head and smiled at Ivan,

Before turning to the side and vomiting on the floor.

After heaving out the nights activities, he wiped his mouth on the familiar scarf, giving Ivan a grin.

"I f-feel li-like su-such a girl….c-can't take h-h-her al-alcohol…just shhhh, don't tell Ivan I said a-any of th-that." He chuckled and snuggled his head into the kink of the other's neck.

And so they all slept.

Waiting for the sun to rise.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVV

**That….got depressing fast -_-. Sorry about that. BUT THERE WILL ONLY BE LIKE….1 other depressing chapter and that is WAY later on so no worries. Was that…too far? I hope not. I hope I did that alright! I wanted to end of a lighter note but…yah… Please tell me if you guys thought that was alright and if it made sense! If it got to dark too quickly please just tell me ok?**

**Does the concept make sense to you guys? So Alfred is a good example because America has been invaded and has invaded other placed, but Alfred is still a virgin. Hope that made sense =_=**

**Spider cat: Did you like the song? I am seriously sleep deprived right now so I kind of giggled…**

**Story stuff: Again, this is Prussia kind of missing living with Ivan, though…not enough to actually do anything. Again, when talking with my relative, though they prefer living now a days, one thing that they missed about East Germany was this sense of community. My aunt was saying how everyone is out for themselves now, while before it was all about everyone working together and being a part of a team. She said she wasn't scared to go outside or anything. Like, yah, there were guys outside with guns, but if you didn't piss them off then you were alright (plus, they made sure the children were safe and stuff. I don't know about you, but I would think twice about child kidnapping in front of a man with a huge gun). Not saying this or that society is better. Just kind of thought Gilbert would think of that too (though, only when drunk).**

**Canada during WW1 and WW2? Don't even. He was MANADA at that time.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I've gotten off track. How did that happen? Dude, one of the reasons I began writing this story is because I wanted it to be more about fun than random sex jokes. So, I mentally slapped myself several times, though, I refuse to take down my old chapters because….I'm too lazy to re-write them. But from now on, I will bring what needs to be brought back in to focus. Which is IVAN OWNS A SILLY CAT. Seriously, if I want to be a funny writer, then I don't need to stoop so low as to keep making sex jokes all the time. I am sorry that I had to put you guys through that *bows* I hope that at least some of you will stay with me as I try to bring this back on track. As an apology for screwing up the main reason I started this story, I am updating YET AGAIN. Again, hope you guys aren't too peeved at me…and I hope there are still a few of you reading =(**

**Me no own Hetalia**

/

Ivan bolted up, because that is how he always woke up from a killer hangover.

Which normally would have been fine, if a drunken Prussian and American cat had not been sleeping on him.

Prussia fell to the ground, still snoring loudly while America woke up in during midflight, his eyes wide open as he watched Ivan watch him fall to the ground.

_Ivan? What are you doing in the Congo?_

And then his face met floor.

Oh, hey face, how's it goin?

Oh, not bad, not bad…just…you know…bleeding…

Yah, could you stop that? You're kinda bleeding on me.

Sorry floor.

It's cool face.

What?

Whatever,

Alfred just stared at the wall, his mind not really comprehending his random 'face to wall' conversation, or the fact that he for some reason was flying before said imaginary conversation.

Ivan stood up from the stool and looked down at his foot, his face twitching at the mess on the floor.

His foot only inches away from the….

We won't get into that.

He swayed from left to right, his mind still numb and stinging with each ray of light that hit his eyes. He covered them with his hand, reaching around blindly on the floor until his fingers met hair.

He dug his hand in, earning a moan from Gilbert before he began pulling the man into the direction that he believed to be the hallway.

Alfred blinked a few times before he slowly got to his feet, his body swaying for a moment before steadying itself. What had just happened? Did Ivan just drag Prussia off to god knows where?

_Oh man…I totally don't want to follow them…_

His body began moving though, slowly following the two men who shuffled down the hall.

_He's totally like…gonna skin him or something…like…Texas chainsaw massacre or something. Does that mean I have to be that blond chick? Dude I HATED her….aw man…this sucks…_

Ivan then pulled Gilbert into the bathroom and out of America's sight. The cat gave a sigh before trotting beside the wall and moving up to the doorway. He slowly peeked his head inside, witnessing the scene in front of him.

Ivan crouched before Prussia and ripped off the other's jacket, tossing it to the side before hooking his hands underneath the other's arms and picking him up.

_Russia is totally going to eat him…today sucks. I hate it when people eat my drinking buddies._

Then Alfred wondered if he had hit his head a little too hard…

For a man with a hangover, Ivan was damn strong.

Gilbert was like a doll in his hand-

A very scruffy, comatose, smelly doll-

That Ivan chucked into the tub.

Gilbert just groaned as he leant his head to the side, a dumb smile spreading across his face.

"iz…West you suck at b-baking…" He mumbled as Ivan sighed.

"Да, I agree with you there my very stupid friend." Russia mumbled as he stood up.

He then grabbed a handle to the side and twisted it fully to the left, water shooting out of the showerhead above them.

The water sprung from the metal directly into Gilbert's face.

His eyes shot open immediately before he covered his face and naked chest, an annoyed cry escaping his lips.

"F-FREEZING"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Ivan then turned the handle in the other direction, the water still shooting out in a constant spray. For a moment Gilbert stared up at the water with a hazy look before his body began to shake violently.

"AH! F-F-IT BURNS!"

"My bad." Ivan turned it back to its original position. Gilbert attempted to cover his whole chest with his hands as his face slowly began to wake up bit by bit.

"A-Are you trying to KILL ME? NOT AWESOME IVAN! STOP IT!"

"Nein, as you would say." Ivan twisted the handle to the opposite direction. Gilbert cried out again, attempting to get out of the tub before slipping and falling back inside. Russia let out a chuckle as he continued his game of left and right with the handle.

"Q-QUIT USING CHINESE WATER TORTURE!"

"Chinese water torture is when you are strapped to a table, while a single drop of water falls on your head," Ivan turned the tap to hot, Prussia tried to escape and fell again, "You cannot sleep or think as it drips on the same place for hours. I would know. China used to be very cruel," Back to cold, "Though, he still can be."

"I get it! QUIT IT IVAN! LET ME OUT!"

"Are you still too hung over to get out yourself?"

Prussia slips. Ivan hums.

"I guess you are."

Prussia then forced his body down, his arms crossed.

"Bring it on! The awesome me can take on anything! Even when he IS hung over! You're smelly Russian tactics can't hurt the amazingly awesome PRUSSIA-"

"Fine, if you insist." Ivan switched it once more to boiling hot before taking a step back and shutting the two 'door' like folders. He then ripped the towel rack off of the wall and actually stabbed it through the two handles of the door, barricading the Prussian inside.

"Hey! What are you doing drunky?" Gilbert screamed from inside as he banged on the doors. Ivan leaned against it and rubbed his forehead.

"You smell. Take a shower and don't come out until you are strong enough to get out yourself."

"HA! You think this can stop the AWESOMENESS that is ME?"

"Have fun. I will see you in an hour." Ivan waved as he moved for the door. The shower doors shook as Prussia yelled out in frustration. He then laughed.

"I WOULD break down these doors, but I don't NEED to because I was going to SHOWER anyway!"

"Please keep telling your shot confidence that comrade." Russia mumbled before stepping out into the hall, shutting the door behind him. He stared down at Alfred who stared back.

"…It is fine, I do this every time he gets drunk in my house."

_Feed me._

"So do not worry over our little Albino friend, alright?"

_Don't care. Too hungry. Feed me._

"Hmmm…time for food, correct?" Alfred let out a cry for joy as he led the way, skipping happily down the hallway,

Even if his head still hurt from the drop only a few minutes prior.

"Someone is excited."

_You're damn RIGHT I'm excited! I can't even REMEMBER the last time I ate, and that Ivan, is a VERY bad thing._

They moved into the kitchen where Albino rat sat happily on the counter, his whiskers twitching in curiosity as Russia quickly pat its head before moving towards the coffee pot. Alfred jumped onto the stool before leaping onto the counter.

He meowed.

_Dude I TOTALLY need a coffee._

Ivan glanced over at his furry friend before going back to the task at hand. He moved slowly, preparing the coffee before moving for a cupboard. He pulled out some bread and placed it in the toaster before then turning to the rat and cat.

"What do you two eat."

They looked at him, as if to say 'like you could understand us?'

"Good point. How does toast and cheese sound?" They both made some kind of noise that Russia decided to take as agreement.

The rest of the preparation went smoothly from there, Ivan finishing by laying a plate in front of the two animals with two slices of toast. Albino rat nibbled at the side while Alfred bit heavy chunks from the creamy bread.

Ivan sighed as he sat down beside him, his coffee clenched in one had while he tentivly placed down his own plate of food.

Alfred looked up at the very tired man with curiosity. Ivan? Not acting like a freaky 12 year old, passive aggressive sociopath?

_I think I'm actually MORE scared when he isn't acting like that…_

He then instinctively moved his paw to the left, expecting his coffee…

However, it was not there.

Alfred looked to his right, then up at Ivan with a very puzzled expression.

_Dude, where's mine?_

"…what? What do you want? Eat your food…I am in no mood for your insane cat mind games." His eyes wandered to the television room, "I won't even ASK what happened to my precious room…or why there is a shotgun on the floor." He shrugged and drank more of his coffee. America took a few steps towards Ivan and motioned towards the coffee before whining.

"No. My coffee." Ivan mumbled. Alfred opened his eyes as big as he could, his neck straining. Ivan glared at the wall, "No kitty."

_Fine….if that's how it's going to be Ivan…_

The American then took a few steps closer and placed his paws up on the man's arm, another small, long whine escaping his throat as he quivered his lip.

Ivan looked down at him.

Alfred widened his eyes.

Ivan's eyes narrowed.

And at the same time, both actually thought back to the Cold War days, where Russia and America would constantly have stare offs with one another, both trying to see who would crack first. And by crack, they meant 'who would give in and try to strangle the other first' Sometimes they would hit the other, or strangle…one time, on a particularly BAD day, Alfred actually shot Ivan in the shoulder.

After shooting Ivan, America and Russia actually began to laugh hysterically, their world leaders paralyzed in shock and awe at the two.

Good times.

This time was different however, and finally Ivan gave in, his eyes twitching to the left slightly. At this Alfred mewed loudly, causing the Russian to sigh.

"Fine…fine I will get you some coffee too little one." He begrudgingly got his body to move as he went over to the coffee pot and poured some of the bitter liquid into a small saucer. He placed it in front of Alfred, his eyes still narrowed.

"There you are your majesty." Ivan remarked, sitting back down on the stool and shoving some of his breakfast in his mouth. America let out a thank you before he began licking up the dark substance.

And oh MAN how he NEEDED it.

He didn't even complain when the rat came over and sipped some of the liquid for himself. It quickly huffed and moved back to the bread, not understanding the importance of the bitter drink.

Down the hall, a loud crash was heard in which neither man (or cat) moved. Some swearing was heard before Prussia walked into view, a towel wrapped tightly around his INCREDIBLY pale body.

Ivan giggled, his normal persona returning as he shielded his eyes.

"Please my friend, the light hurt enough without your disgusting skin reflecting it into my eyes-"

"I think SOMEONE is jealous of how awesomely HOT I am."

"I wonder what you look like when you get sick? Do you turn green? You certainly can't become more white then you already are," Ivan giggled as he looked off to nothing in particular, "I remember, back when you first came to live with me, the reason I always made you wear the red scarf was because I was afraid I would lose you in the snow-"

"You WISH you were this awesomely pale." Gilbert mumbled as he moved towards the coffee pot.

Alfred smiled.

_Coffee…bringing mankind together._

"Do you remember when we all went out into the woods and we lost you? You wanted to play hide and seek in the snow."

"No Ivan, the awesome me was trying to escape back to the awesome West Germany."

"I am so glad you opened your eyes so we could find you! Ah, people always fail to remember how good I am at that game…but you should not have surprised me!" Ivan mock cried out, his lip pouting as Prussia scoffed, pouring the dark liquid into a coffee cup.

"Don't act so hurt! You SHOT me in the CHEST!"

"Again, I was so surprised-" Gilbert turned to Ivan.

"We had a CONVERSATION before you shot at the awesomeness in front of you Ivan."

"Good times…"

"Then you dragged me back through the snow…"

"Gooood times…"

_You guys are freaks. I was chillin in California sippin on a margarita during all of this. Just so yah know._

_Life was sweeeeeet In the U S of A-_

_Ok…except for like…all the civil rights movements that caused my head to implode…but that was for the best man!_

Prussia chugged the burning liquid while Alfred and Ivan watched, both slightly shocked as he pulled away with a satisfying sigh, dropping the empty cup into the sink. He smiled at them.

"What? Please, I'm too awesome to be effected by some hot beverage. Hot COOLS for the awesome Prussia."

"It is no wonder you have such a bad taste in food, your taste buds are all burnt." Russia giggled as Prussia just waved him off mumbling 'yah yah' as he walked towards the doorway. Ivan turned in his seat, gazing at the Prussian as he pulled on his heavy black boots.

_Hey…Prussia…_

"Going somewhere comrade?"

"Please, I need to spread my awesomeness around Ivan. If I stay here to long I'll die…kind of like a canary or some metaphor like that." He wrapped his scarf around his neck, the red fabric looking like blood on his pale skin.

"Pleased to see you kept my scarf when you ran away comrade."

"Don't flatter yourself Ivan. I pulled out the soviet sign if that's what you're hinting at. Besides, if there is one thing you're good for, it's for making winter wear…it is ALMOST as awesome as Mattie's…ALMOST…"

"Ah…Gilbert…"

_You're still only wearing a towel._

"What?"

"I must tell you that to walk around shirtless in winter is flirting with the general." Ivan giggled behind his hand. Gilbert placed his hands on his hips.

"The people of the country DESERVE to witness the awesome me in all my glory! I am doing your kind a FAVOUR Russia!"

"Ah…wait…you are not seriously leaving in only a towel, are you comrade?" The giggling stopped, a slightly confused and concerned expression spreading across Ivan's face. Prussia nodded.

"Heck yah! The awesomeness that is ME MUST be shown to the world…and…I have to catch a flight back to Germany-"

_Dude, you can't go through customs naked…especially in SUCH A SMALL TOWEL_

"Um…I am sure they will not let you leave-"

"PLEASE Russia, they know who I am! My awesomeness will speak for itself. Men and woman will be left speechless in my wake!"

_Oh, they'll be speechless alright._

"Comrade, I highly suggest not streaking-"

"I'm not STREAKING Ivan, I'm clearly wearing a towel."

_Barely…_

"Well…if you feel so strongly about it, who am I to deny you?"

_Prussia…please don't do this. This is a county of people who don't SMILE for god's sakes! Why do you think they'll want to see you HALF NAKED…IN WINTER?_

"Smell yah later Ivensky!" Prussia cried out as he opened the door and ran out, the door slamming behind him. Ivan and Alfred both stared at the area speechless, neither not quite knowing what to make of the moment.

After a few minutes Ivan sighed and walked over to the TV, which was still chattering away from the night before.

"I guess I will turn on the news and await his arrest." Ivan chuckled, switching the channel as Alfred turned back to his breakfast.

_Time to eat the rest of-_

Albino rat stared up at him, the last crumb of breakfast in his hands as he stared at the cat in shock. Alfred mimicked the other's face, his eyes switching from the food to the rat.

_D-dude…d-d-did you….did you eat my food?_

It squeaked before leaping off of the counter and scurrying away, a trail of crumbs in its wake. Alfred fell to his little kitty knees, his paws raised to the air.

_WHY GOD? WHHHHYYYYYYY?_

"Um…what are you doing little one?" Russia asked in his childish, concerned voice. Alfred brought his paws to his eyes, a loud whine escaping his throat as Ivan pat his back.

"Do not be so sad. It is alright. After all, you are still alive and well fed-"

He cried harder. Ivan shifted uncomfortably before Alfred suddenly stopped crying and shuffled towards Russia's plate.

He then took a bite from his toast.

"NO! KITTY! BAD!" Ivan suddenly called out as he picked up Alfred and placed him at the opposite side of the counter. Alfred moved back towards the toast and Ivan picked him up again and placed him once more opposite of the food. They did this a good seven times before Ivan just held the cat in his hand.

"Nooooo kitty! It is myyy food!" Ivan whined as the cat whined back.

"Nooo kiiittttyyyyy, it is mmmyyyyy fooooooodddd."

Alfred cried out, a strangled noise escaping his throat as he slothfully moved around.

"You don't understand! It is MY FOOD!" Ivan cried louder.

And so a new game was born between the two.

Who could whine and cry out the loudest.

And it was pretty close since Ivan had bigger lungs than Alfred, but since Alfred was a cat, he had a MAJOR cuteness advantage over Ivan.

And it worked, because finally the cat just stopped crying and carrying on and instead resorted to small sniffles, his body racking with depression. Ivan stared at him with a heartbroken expression. He glanced at his toast. Then the cat.

Then his lovely, tasty, cheesy toast…

And his loud, obnoxious, spastic demon cat.

He was so torn.

Ivan placed the sniffling American down on the counter and picked up the toast, ripping it in two and placing one half before Alfred.

"Here…this way we can be hungry together comrade." Alfred sniffled one last time before he bit down on the cooled toast, looking up at Ivan with thankful but slightly confused eyes.

_Why don't you just MAKE MORE TOAST?_

He cried out in his mind, but Ivan just shook his head.

"We are like two brothers, we live together and starve together."

_There is still some on the counter! Just…shove it in the toaster! What is with this STARVING talk man?_

He ate his toast quickly as Ivan finished his own in three bites, briskly walking over to the bread and placing it back in its original cupboard.

Alfred decided that Ivan was either, for some reason, reliving his communist days….or was just being…

Well…

Ivan.

The man then turned to the television room with a frown.

"It looks as if I must clean again…I am starting to feel like a housewife, always cleaning up after her family," His frown turned into a pout as he sighed and crossed his arms, "I need to get married again. Then someone else could clean up the messes you make kitty."

_Dream on bro._

"Or at least…married to someone clean…France can actually be quite dirty at time," Alfred raised his eyebrows and Ivan moaned, "Do not twist my words kitty! Please!" He whined, opening a tall cupboard and pulling out a broom. He walked towards the shot gun where dust and parts of ceiling had gathered, and Alfred hopped down to meet him.

_Hey, I'm bored now._

Ivan looked down at him.

"Kitty, go play. Daddy needs to clean." Alfred scrunched his face.

_Gonna ignore that comment all together._

_Anyway,_

_Ivan, I'm bored. Take me shopping._

"Kiiittyyy, please! I need to clean!" Ivan whined again, huffing as he swung the broom around.

_Ivan I want to go to Disneyworld. Let's go to Disneyworld Ivan._

"Kitty no! I must clean! Be gone kitty!"

_Ivan, Ivan let's go to the zoo. Let's go somewhere fun. Ivan! Ivan!_

In his excitement Alfred began to bounce from one foot to the other, causing the distressed Russian to hold onto his broom.

"I am SERIOUS kitty! Quit it!"

_I WANNA RIDE SPACE MOUTINE IVAN!_

"I SAID STOP IT!" But Alfred just continued to bounce left and right. Ivan sighed and walked away from the cat, mumbling darkly under his breath as he went. Alfred raced around on the spot, his mind exploring the endless possibilities (while still forgetting that he was in an entirely different country).

_We could go to the beach, or go to Dairy Queen, or we could go to the park! And we could get ice cream! And we could look at all the neat things on old young street! And we could pick out the toys that we want and-_

Ivan returned to the room while holding a ball of yarn in his hand. America looked up.

…_why do you have YARN in your house?_

Ivan then chucked the ball at Alfred's face.

"Go play. Do not bother your master who is VERY hung over and still hungry." Alfred moaned, sad at Ivan's sudden mood swing before poking the yarn ball.

He thought…

And thought…

And thought…

Before nudging the ball into the television room.

"Good boy."

When at a good distance, Alfred scratched at the yarn. Immediately it got stuck to his claws, and he had to swing it around before it flew off.

A small piece of yarn came undone from it. Alfred walked over and batted it again, it once more getting caught in his claws. He tossed it up into the air and tried to bite down on it and run before it would fall off onto the floor.

The string got longer.

He tossed it around then, sometimes tackling the object before throwing it away once more. It would fly over the table, a string in its wake as it would hit the ground once more, only to be attacked by America. He gnawed on its soft fabric as he tossed it around.

He rolled around.

And skipped after it.

And did epic leaps in the air as it fell to the ground.

_IVAN! IVAN LOOK AT THIS!_

He threw it into the air and caught it on his hand.

No one paid any attention. He meowed and did it once more…

Still, nothing.

_Ivan…IVAN! Ivan come LOOK! LOOK AT ME! IVAN! LOOK IT'S TOTALLY COOL! LIKE, IVAN!_

He trotted towards where he saw Ivan last,

Before his back claws got caught in something. Alfred turned around to find that some loose string on the floor had been captured by his feet. He moved around to remove them, but soon found that his front claws were getting caught up in the thick mess. He moved away, reaching out before he accidentally grabbed more yarn.

He spazed to get it off.

More engulfed him.

_Oh god…IT WAS A PLOT ALL ALONG!_

He screamed as he wiggled further, the yarn collecting and gathering around him the further he struggled. He gazed off to the side where the yarn ball lay, mocking him as he slowly lost mobility.

_DAMN YOU YARN BALL! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!_

He cried out as it constricted him, and Ivan walked into the room.

His face then became confused and…

And just..

"How do you manage this? It was YARN kitty! YARN!" Alfred cried out for help once more before Ivan sighed. He then kneeled before the cat and began untangling the string.

But when Alfred felt some leeway in the string he squirmed to get out again, causing it to bunch up.

"Stop that!" Ivan growled as he tried to untangle him again. Alfred was now whining and meowing endlessly as they continued on and on. Ivan would take some yarn away, and Alfred would wiggle to get out, only to further tangle himself in.

"I SAID STOP IT! If you DON'T this will take a VERY LONG TIME."

Alfred looked at Ivan.

And then wiggled.

It took 3 hours to get him out.

VVVVV

**I hope that made up for my crappy writing! Again, I'll try to keep it on the normal, adorable track like before! I lurves you, please don't leave =(**

**Fun facts: My cat has actually never played with yarn, so I had to watch a youtube video to understand what to write XD /watch?v=B3G5PsqDQ8E&feature=related**


	10. Chapter 10

**This chapter is a little short. I no own Hetalia**

**/**

Russia had locked himself in his office, and America was walking outside the door, pacing slowly. He would remind Ivan of his presence outside the door by meowing every ten seconds, his small cries growing louder as the minutes dragged on.

_Come on dude…you're not seriously still pissed about the whole yarn thing are you?_

Silence.

Alfred meowed again.

_I was just trying to help! How was I supposed to know it would just make it worse!_

Still nothing.

_And so WHAT if I kinda sorta scratched your face! Get OVER it dude!_

The door stared at Alfred. Alfred stared at the door.

Door used intimidation.

America's confidence went down by 10 points!

What will America do next?

-tackle

-falcon punch

-nuclear holocaust

-make some promises but never really follow through on them and hope that the general public doesn't notice.

Alfred used empty promise!

_If you let me in, I'll totally be your friend and cut your taxes._

It wasn't very effective….

Alfred continued to pace back and forth in front of the very intimidating door. DAMN. How could a door be so intimidating? Probably because it was made of Russian wood or something. If anything is Russian in origin then its scariness goes up by like…20%...

And its sexiness goes down by 10.8%

….

Depending on certain traits. Such as, Russian spy? Scariness goes up by 65% but sexiness actually INCREASES by 58%

Russian diplomat? Sexiness decreases by 15.6% (because most of them are old dudes….)

Russian car: Scaryness increases by 4% and sexiness goes down by 2%

Russian table? That doesn't matter because it's a TABLE so it can't be sexy at all-

Russia-

Like, the REAL Russia, not A Russian something-

Opened the door and looked down at America, who was now shaking in fear.

"What? What do you want? I am busy doing paper work kitty." The man said in a monotone voice, his figure towering over the small cat. Alfred let out a small mew as he motioned to move around Ivan. The man stepped to the side, blocking America's path.

"No Kitty. This is my office. No cats are allowed in my office. That is the rule."

_Oh….yah ok. I guess I'll just…just go then…_

Alfred motioned to move to the right, and just when Ivan shifted his weight to the right America sprinted back to the left and between Ivan's leg and the door frame. He just managed to squeeze himself inside when he was lifted high above the ground.

"NO Kitty…this is MY OFFICE…" Russia growled as he moved and placed Alfred back in front of the door.

America ran into the room again. Russia grabbed the cat and placed him back outside.

This happened again…

And surprisingly three more times before Russia finally just held onto the cat.

"I am LOSING my patience with you kitty. And I feel I must warn you…my patience," He whispered, his violet eyes hinting red, "is something that you do not wish me to lose."

…_.._

_Bring it._

_Bitch._

But instead of a witty, snarky come back it merely came as a gargled meow. Ivan shrugged and plopped Alfred down outside his door.

Alfred sprinted into the room.

Ivan screamed in frustration, grabbed Alfred by the back of the neck, and literally flung him out of the room, causing Alfred to slam into the back wall before Ivan slammed the door.

Alfred lay there in shock as a string of Russian swears rang out from the other room. His eyes slowly adjusted to the wall…then the door, who was giving him a smug look-

Which TECHNICALLY is impossible but in America's eyes, that was defiantly what he was getting from the door. And Alfred did not like it. He didn't like it one bit.

_Oh…you think your SOOO friggin tough eh door? Just because you're Russian? _

Alfred got up slowly, his body swaying back and forth, his eyes seeing double.

_You obviously never met MATTIE'S door…that is made of like…Canadian maple man! That is some BADASS MOFO door!_

The door laughed

(no it didn't)

And Alfred crouched down, ready to pounce on his prey.

_I'm a gentleman, so I'll give you to the count of three door…._

_One…._

The door scoffed at him. It's brown wood glistening under the light of the hallway.

_Two…._

America noticed it twitch slightly as he drew his legs back.

_THREE!_

He sprinted towards it, his small feet digging into the carpet below him. His nails tore up chunks of the fabric as he came up to the wooden object.

His heart quickened, his breath hitching in his throat as he, for a moment, took in the thought of his blood-

And his people-

And his land-

And his body-

And for that moment he could feel everything from the cars to the streets to the children in the park. And for a moment the world was calm,

Before he literally broke through the door.

A piece of the door flew in front of him as he skidded inside, the rest of the door swinging before falling off its hinges. It slammed into the ground, defeated.

It was, after all, no match for the United States of America.

Ivan slowly turned around in his chair, his eyes wide at the spectacle in front of him. Alfred sat there, licking his left paw happily, taking no notice of the Russian in front of him.

_DAMN, I'm good. That door should have known that my tackle ain't like any tackle its ever seen before bro._

Russia opened his mouth, then closed it, his eyes wide. He slowly turned his chair fully so he was able to look directly at Alfred.

"W….what did you just do?" Alfred looked up from his paw and shrugged.

_Took it down Holmes. That door was messin with me, and nobody messes with the U S of A._

"Did….did you just break down…my door?" America slowly put down his paw, a dumb look on his face.

_Uh, CHYA. Or were you NOT there when I literally ran through the thing?_

"I….but…you are so small is that…is that normal for cats?" Now Ivan was looking off, his eyes on nothing in particular, his voice mostly directed towards himself, "But…Russiacat never did that…did he? No…No he didn't…then how…oh my god…" Ivan looked back at the cat, "You intelligent and inhumanly strong."

_Yur damn right dude._

"But….what have I let into my house?" America gazed around the large office. Ivan sat at a large wooden desk, the glow of a laptop emitting behind him while to the left wall held a large bookcase, carrying who knows how many pieces of literature on it. To the right was some boring paintings that America didn't care about.

He wandered over to Ivan and crouched down.

_Dude, I just busted down a door…I think that deserves some kind of treat right?_

"What have I let into my household?" Alfred's tail swayed back and forth as he leaned down before jumping up onto Ivan's lap, the large man letting out a sudden yelp at the weight on him.

_Ivan, me, treat, now. Like…Ice cream or something-_

_Though, I doubt you have ice cream in this god forsaken country of yours._

"Why are you looking at me like that? Is this because of what I said earlier?"

_Yah, no, I just want some food. Like…soda or something. Got any popcorn?_

"Do not think…that just because you took down a door you can threaten me cat," Russia's eyes narrowed, "I have taken on many doors in my day. You are no match for me."

_Don't care. Ivan, get me some popcorn. Or a movie-OH EM GEE IVAN! WE SHOULD GO SEE TRON! IVAN! IVAN TAKE ME TO SEE TRON AND BUY ME POPCORN! IVAN! _

The cat began to shake as he hopped up and down on the larger man's lap, causing the other to hiss out in frustration (and slight pain)

"Stop that! It hurts!"

_I WANT TO SEE TRON IN 3D IVAN! IVAN I WANT TO SEE IT IN 3D TAKE ME TO TRON IVAN!_

"I SAID STOP IT!" The man yelled, his anger hiding a twinge of fear. Alfred bounced around once more before jumping up on Russia's desk and spazing on top of it.

_IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT BEING IN A COMPUTER! ISN'T THAT CRAZY? I WANT TO SEE IT TAKE ME TO SEE IT IF YOU LOVE ME YOU'LL TAKE ME TO SEE IT-_

"What are you DOING? Get OFF MY DESK!" Ivan screamed as he jumped up from his chair, his hands attempting to grab the rambunctious cat as he leapt and pranced along the desk. Just as the Russian would graze the fur with his fingertips though, the cat would leap out of the way, off towards some other part of the desk in order to wreak havoc upon it. Another cry was heard as papers flew this way and that, the computer almost falling off the desk (before Ivan caught it gracefully in his hands and held onto it like a new born). His screaming accomplishing nothing, Ivan finally decided to wait out the mess until the cat was done having his sudden burst of energy.

This took an hour, as America could be a very energetic person (cat…cat person) when need be. And when he was hooked on something, his mind was one track.

After losing his patience (and his anger….and some very important documents) Ivan sat on the floor, his mind lost and confused as the spaz cat leapt from the table and onto the ground, skipping up to Ivan.

_IIvvaaann, my man. Take me to see the movie bro. I seriously can't buy tickets since I'm a cat bro. I mean, if I could go with anyone else I would but…Since you're the only person I CAN talk to right now-_

"You confuse me." Ivan mumbled, his eyes doing the whole 'staring at nothing' again. Alfred shrugged and pawed at Ivan's leg.

_We could have AVOIDED this mess if you had just opened your DOOR….or taken me to the movie already._

"What do you want from me…" Ivan mumbled, his eyes sneaking a glance at his ruined paper work. Alfred sighed and nodded towards the laptop in Ivan's lap. Russia slowly took the laptop off of his lap and placed it on the floor, his eyes blank, his breathing steady.

America sniffed the laptop.

Then pressed one button.

Then paused…

Then began to type 40 words per minute. He switched the laptop's main language to English. Then he typed in Google, found their location, located the nearest movie theater, and found the show times for Tron.

All under 6 minutes.

Alfred then turned the laptop back to Ivan and pointed at the screen.

Ivan stared at the screen.

Then at his cat.

Then he cried.

Alfred thought they were tears of joy.

They weren't.

VVVVV

**Was that good enough for you guys? That LITERALLY came out of nowhere! I mean, I just stared typing and BAM!...so…Russia is tots gonna sneak America into the movies. Is Tron even playing in Russia? It was a good movie, so I think they would have that. I didn't research it but please….just give it some 'suspension of disbelief' ok? Thanks for all the people who are sticking through my crappy little story! I love you all! And again, if you liked one thing or really didn't like another thing about the story so far (or this chapter of course) please tell me so I can improve! I want to make it as good as possible, so feedback is welcome! Thanks!**

**Sexiness decreases? For me it increases man. Russian is just *girly sigh that is really lame don't judge me I know you do it to when you're alone* That and British. Am I the only one who trusts a British man when I meet him? It's like, my brain just says 'Oh, you're British so you MUST be a gentleman!'**

**Trivia: Guess what movie I saw today? JUST GUESS.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Short Chapter is SHORT! But I guess….short update is better than no update right? RIGHT? I'm so tired…**

**THIS WAS BORN DUE TO BORDOM, SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND FAILBOOK**

**I don't own Hetalia**

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Login: United States of America

Password: ***********

Hey United States of America, did you know that we changed our profile page? Check it out! Isn't it awesome how we always change it RIGHT when you get the hang of the previous one?

_F*ck off facebook…_

You have 37 notifications!

_I knew the world would fall apart without me._

Alfred clicked and typed away on the computer, his small frame slowly warming the cool desk beneath him.

Alright. A quick scan of what's new, tell Mattie I've been turned into a cat, poke England and tell him 'WE NEED TO TALK' then go see Tron. Got it.

But before that, Alfred looked down at his home page only to see a VERY HORRIFYING image stare him in the face.

It was of Canada.

In the shower.

And below it was a message from Prussia-

'Prussia': Well, if you're going to kill me anyway, I might as well share these sweet deals with the world. (Yesterday 7:18PM)

Canada: TAKE THAT DOWN NOW! (Yesterday 7:19PM)

China: Prussia, you are so immature aru. (Yesterday 7:19PM)

'Prussia': http: / .com /art/ DAT-PRUSSIAN-ARSE-180610691? q=favby% 3ADoce-chanplz% 2F41174044&qo= 14 (Yesterday 7:10PM)

Hungary: OMG! CANADA YOU'RE SO CUTE OH MY GOD! (Yesterday 7:11PM)

Northern Italy: Vee~? Canada? America's brother? Why are you posing for big brother Prussia? (Yesterday 7:12PM)

Germany: Italy, don't look at those pictures. They're indecent. (Yesterday 7:13PM)

Spain: HIGH FIVE PRUSSIA! (Yesterday 7:13PM)

'Prussia': *high five* I know, I'm awesome right? Tell me how awesome I am? (Yesterday 7:14PM)

Japan: I must tell you that America-san will most likely be unhappy when he sees this. (Yesterday 7:16PM)

France: My little Mattieu is all grown up now! Oh mon cheir you are too adorable! You are so cute! (Yesterday 7:17PM)

Austria: This is why I hate this website, and you Gilbert. (Yesterday 7:19PM)

England: Prussia, I regret to inform you that your invasion of my son's privacy is not only uncalled for but incredibly indecent. If you do not remove it immediately I will be forced to threaten you. (Yesterday 7:20PM)

'Prussia': I'm in hiding England. You'll have to FIND me first! (Yesterday 7:21PM)

Russian Federation: Oh Matvey! You look like a woman! How very foolish of you to let your guard down! =) (Yesterday 7:22PM)

'Prussia': ^Can it ruskie. You're the one who ratted me out! Besides, did you even LOOK at what's in the third picture? (Yesterday 7:23PM)

Russian Federation: No Prussia, I did not look at 'the third picture' because 1) I do not make a habit of looking at naked pictures of my friend, and 2) I do not make a habit of looking at naked pictures of underage boys =3 (Yesterday 7:24PM)

France: Canada is about…19-20 Russia. (Yesterday 7:25PM)

Cuba: YOU ARE DEAD ALBINO PRICK! NO ONE HUMILIATES MY BUDDY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT YOU HEAR ME? (Yesterday 7:25PM)

'Prussia': Yah, Canada is the awesome legal age of 20 bro. (Yesterday 7:26PM)

Spain: Yes, Canada is most defiantly legal. (Yesterday 7:26PM)

England: I will give you one more warning Prussia. Delete them. NOW. (Yesterday 7:27PM)

Russian Federation: Oh! Well if that is the case then I will look at the third picture. Is it a surprise Prussia? =3 (Yesterday 7:27PM)

France: Let Mattieu be free Allegretta! He is only expressing his love for his body (and showering). And Prussia, what do you mean third picture? I only see one. Is there more? (Yesterday 7:28PM)

England: France, please look at the third and forth picture. He posted an ALBUM. (Yesterday 7:29PM)

India: That is disgusting Gilbert. You should be ashamed. (Yesterday 7:30PM)

Russian Federation: Matvey? I know it is rather embarrassing to ask, but I feel that I must know. The third picture, is that a map of Ukraine in the background? (Yesterday 7:31PM)

France: I don't understand, how do I see the album? (Yesterday 7:32PM)

Spain: Click on the title of the picture. (Yesterday 7:33PM)

Russian Federation: Yes…it appears as if it IS a map of Ukraine…..we need to have a talk comrade. (Yesterday 7:35PM)

South Korea: I leave for 2 hours and LOOK what happens! SCANDEL! (Yesterday 7:35PM)

Russian Federation: We. Need. To. Talk. (Yesterday 7:36PM)

England: France, I think it is obvious by now that Matthew was NOT aware that Prussia was taking lewd photos of him. (Yesterday 7:37PM)

Poland: Nice Canada. Nice. (Yesterday 7:38PM)

France:….England, he's hiding upstairs. If you make it in the next few hours I promise to leave some of him left for you. (Yesterday 7:39PM)

Spain: OI! Be careful to him France! (Yesterday 7:39PM)

'Prussia': F*CK YOU! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND! (Yesterday 7:40PM)

France: YOU TOOK NAKED PICTURES OF MY SON! (Yesterday 7:41PM)

England: It's a deal France. (Yesterday 7:42PM)

Turkey: I love facebook. (Yesterday 7:50PM)

Alfred stared in amazement at the conversation that he had missed. By now, England and France had beaten the hell out of Prussia, and Russia was most likely calling Canada to threaten him over the phone (but…America couldn't tell if he was. After he had managed to get control over the computer Russia had run off and locked himself in the bathroom….AGAIN).

He ran his claws lightly over the keyboard as he thought. A new thing was added to his list of things to do. After he saw Tron, kill Prussia….oh wait…ok…kill East Germany…

Or….

Damn this was quite a pickle.

While mauling over his thoughts he went to his profile page, only to find a crap load of messages. The majority asking where the hell he was.

China: You owe me money Aru. (5 days ago)

England: Let that be a LESSON to you America… (5 days ago)

Germany: America, please stop sending Italy your horror movies to help him 'cure his fear'. It has become much worse. If you do not cease, I will be forced to use more extreme measures to insist that you stop. (4 days ago)

'Prussia': What you gonna do West? Blitzkrieg him? (4 days ago)

Russian Federation: http:/ .com/ watch?v= K5pZlBgXBu0 (4 days ago)

India: LOL (2 days ago)

Serbia: WHY? (1 day ago)

Ukraine: Hello America, I just wanted to remind you of our meeting tomorrow =) (4 days ago)

Ukraine: America, I hope you will remember to be with your president today at 4PM. Thank you .=) (3 days ago)

Ukraine: America, I am sorry that you were not able to attend. Is it because of me? I'm so sorry! If I did something to offend you…perhaps my constant reminders I am SO SORRY please do not be angry with me! (3 days ago)

Canada: America? You missed our glee night =( (2 days ago)

China: ANSWER YOUR PHONE ARU! (2 days ago)

Hungary: America? Are you alright? You haven't been on for a couple of days….which NEVER happens (2 days ago)

Canada: OH MY GOD ALFRED WHERE ARE YOU? (Yesterday 1:35PM)

Russian Federation: America? Did you get the present I send you? I'll give you a hint, it starts with 'dead' and ends in 'rats'. =3 (Yesterday 2:38PM)

India: Please get over your man period and answer your phone. (Yesterday 3:02 PM)

Ukraine: THE NEWS SAYS YOU ARE MISSING! I HOPE YOU ARE ALL RIGHT AMERICA! (Yesterday 3:24 PM)

Belarus: Sister, if he is missing then he can not see your message. (Yesterday 3:45 PM)

So they FINALLLY clued into the fact that he was missing? And the news had made note of it?

He opened a google page and entered the recent news sites, only to find his face on the cover of them. Along with the word 'Missing'.

He opened video clips, news reports, and all other sorts of media. They all said the same thing…only everyone was taking it differently. Some were saying that he was kidnapped, while others were saying he ran away…which wouldn't have been so bad if everyone hadn't somehow tied it back to his government.

"He ABANDONED this place because he knows it's going down in FLAMES! FLAAAMMMEESS I tell you! FLLLAAAMMMEESSS!" The woman screamed as the others flipped in the background. Alfred's jaw dropped.

"-" the computer screeched before cutting out to the news anchor who smiled and began to explain the weather-

_Oh hey!_

_Arizona is looking sunny! But Florida is looking kind of cold…_

_Awww….the oranges….this sucks…._

"And now back to the news of a missing America-FLLLLLAAAAAAMMMMMEEEESSS!"

Meanwhile, in a bathroom…in...Ivan's house….yah.

Ivan clutched the phone to his face, his eyes frantic as he waited for the other to respond,

Which always took a rather long time.

"…."

Still waiting…

"…"

Yupp…

"Ok."

"Ok you understand? Or ok you'll help me?"

"…"

He shouldn't have asked. Russia tapped his foot as he glanced around anxiously, his own frightened expression staring back at him.

"….."

Oh for the love of GOD

"I understand…but I do not know…if I can help you…"

"But Greece," Ivan whined, gazing up at the ceiling, "He used the internet! I do not think that I can live comfortably with a cat that can use internet…is that normal?"

"…."

…..

"….no."

"….Then….what should I do?"

"…."

….

"I don't know. Why are you asking me Russia?"

"Because you are knowledgeable of cats…and you are a fellow orthodox brother."

"Can't you just call Italy for this? He DOES have rome-"

"You know I do not trust Catholics."

"ah…yes…well…you could…..always get….some fish…..fish will help."

"How?"

"…yes….yes fish….that will do…do…it….."

And then there was snoring.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

**TIRED.**

**If this sucked, please tell me so I can delete it and re-write it. *dies on floor. SO TIRED. SO VERY TIRED***


	12. Awesome Note

I know I know, you were so excited because you thought this was an update but instead it's just a dumb authors note -_-.

Good news: I'm not axing the story in any way, shape, or form and plan to pump this sucker out.

Bad news: Due to my new medication for "Wow everything seems kind of dark and morbid" disease, I have HUGE concentration issues. At first I was like 'PFFT. Meds. WHATEVES'….. and then it falcon punched me in the face. I mean, hell, I can barley do my SCHOOL WORK never the less work on recreational stuff.

So, my point is, I will update, but once I get my school work under control (since, I don't know if you knew this but APPARENTLY if you fail University they kick you out…and keep the money you gave them)

So yah….um….just thought I'd throw that out there so you all don't think I'm dead or anything.

Yah…I'll um…work on that.

I love you guys. Please don't leave me D=

-Niki-the-awesome

p.s. PimpinSushi and I are co-working on a story together called 'Office Space' staring Matt and Ivan as a computer nerd and a construction worker. Ever seen the movie office space? It's like that ONLY BETTER.


	13. Chapter 12

**It's not going to be as funny as usual. But I tried. It's kind of a filler chapter but whatever.**

**And thanks to all the people who sent me some encouraging words! You really don't know how much I appreciate it!**

**Also, in this universe Vietnam is represented by two personifications (north and south). I know it's not cannon but I wrote this chapter before I knew that she is only one person ^^;**

**I don't own Hetalia.**

VVVVV

Alfred awoke to the sounds of himself talking.

Which, let me tell you, is FREAKY to wake up too.

_W…what the hell….why am I talking? I don't feel my jaw…moving…uh my head…_

As Alfred stirred, he could feel the gentle pat of someone's hand on his fur.

_That's just like Russia…trying to feel me up when I'm vulnerable…_

"I don't know why they are doing all these interviews, it's not like they'll find him this way."

"But Putin! Look how happy Canada is right now!"

"Russia he's sobbing-"

"Tears of joy streaming down his face. It does my heart good to see such a sight."

Alfred opened his eyes to find himself in the kitchen, specifically, on the counter. Across from him, Russia was standing at the stove, a pink apron wrapped around him as he held a spatula in his right hand. When America's eyes wandered to the left, he could see in the corner a small TV, sitting on the opposite counter, was on. And on said television was a picture of America talking to a woman.

_O…oh my god….I finally did it…._

_I'm two places at once._

Until Alfred realized that it was not himself but Matthew on TV.

_Oh…._

"H-he normally isn't like this! Th-the fact that he's been gone for a month! That's n-not like him!" The television woman placed a gentle hand on Canada's shoulder.

"I can see that you're really worried about your brother C-"

"What? NO! I'm scared for the people NEAR him! Do you KNOW what he's like if he doesn't get his caffeine or fried food daily intake? He LITERALLY threw my car into a building!" Matthew then turned to the camera, his face frantic, "For the love of GOD! If you have Alfred, just put him down somewhere and run as far as you can! He's the deadliest when he seems like he's happy! And don't leave anything RED near him! He'll either rip it to pieces or eat it, OR BOTH! And for the love of god DON'T MENTION ZOMBIES!" The screen then cut to a TV anchor, who smiled boldly at the camera.

"Thank you Cindy. And now a word from our sponsors."

And then a commercial about beer came on. Because…the BBC news and beer have….a lot in…common?

_Mmmm…British beer…._

_Wait, WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?_

"Ah, poor Matthew. I hope he will be well enough for me to…ah…what's the word…"

"Visit him?"

"Beat him with a pipe, yes, that's it."

"Hm….are you sure you don't want to send some….helpers over? We could make it look like an accident…I can talk to Dmitry about it, да?"

"What? Noooo! Putin, I have to defend my sister's vast tracks of land! As her brother, I must be the one to break the knee caps of those thinking defiling thoughts of her."

"I thought you sent them dead things."

"That too."

The man above Alfred hummed.

"Fine, just don't set his house on fire or anything."

Russia then turned around, back to his stove. After a long minute, the man sighed.

"Russia-"

"I promise nothing~!" Ivan sang as he danced about and flipped over whatever was on the stove. Alfred meowed loudly, causing Ivan to turn back around. "Ah Kitty! You are awake finally!"

_What did you do anyway? My head is killing me…_

"I am surprised you are not dead little thing-"

"Yes! I had to use horse tranquilizers on you!" Ivan cried out, but for some reason…in excitement.

"Yes, and even then I had to hold you down. You are one strong little cat."

_I….I don't remember any of that._

And Alfred really didn't. In fact, the last thing he remembered was attempting to hack into Ivan's bank account when the door burst open and then all he could remember was…

Was…

_Eyes…..ice cold…..paralyzing eyes….kind of like that giant snake in the second Harry potter movie._

_I think it was called a Kraken._

Yes, Alfred had stared into the kraken's eyes…and survived…

_Hell, all I need now is an itchy scar and a ginger kid and I'm Harry Potter._

"That is why you have been sleeping for so VERY long kitty. I tried to wake you by pushing you-"

"With your car Ivan-"

"But that did not work. So I just plopped you-"

"Threw him-"

"Into your room until you awoke. And then Putin here decided to pet you while he visited for lunch and TV with me! Isn't Papa so nice!"

"Ivan I'm not your father."

Russia then gave a giggle and a smile close to that of Shirley Temple-

The girl, not the drink.

_Putin? Who the hell is Pu-_

And then Alfred's gaze went up until he met-

THE EYES OF THE KRACKEN.

His body went cold.

His limbs rigid.

"Hm…I have seemed to have paralyzed your cat yet again Ivan-"

"Noo~! I told you to stop staring into people's souls Putin!"

The eyes looked away, giving Alfred a moment of relief.

"I don't do that Russia, you're just being silly." Ivan gasped and pointed with his spatula.

"You're doing it again!"

"Well, if it's that effective then why didn't you just have me stare at him to calm him down? Why did you have to pump him full of enough drugs to kill an elephant?"

Ivan went into one of his 'looking off- humming-then not really answering the question and doing something else' thing.

Putin shook his head and looked back at Alfred, who was about to move when he was once again paralyzed.

But thankfully he was saved by TV, just like so many times before in his life.

All three stared back at the Anchor who smiled at the camera.

"Welcome back. We will now show some more interview footage, as well as past footage of the United States of America, and various countries."

The screen then switched to France, who sat on a couch next to some woman.

_Oh dear GOD no…_

"So, France, how has it been wi-"

"Oh poor petite Alfred! To have been kidnapped in such a HORRIBLE way! His brother must be in ruins over such a tragedy!"

"Um, the reports actually don't know exactly what happened to America, -"

"That poor boy, locked in a cold basement, with barely any food! We never really got along but STILL! How my heart CRIES-"

"Sir, stop touching me-"

"Oh that poor boy!" And then France proceeded to weep into the British woman's shoulder, his hand obviously trying to cup a feel as she slapped his hand away.

_Oh, Britain must have talked to her before THIS interview-_

_Then again…_

_He does this to anyone talking to him._

The woman then pushed France away from her.

"Anyway, any speculation on where-"

"Oh Alfred! How I wish I could help you! He's probably being hurt as we speak! I can't even THINK what they would do to a VIRGIN!"

"Um….that doesn't…really have to do with it-"

"Oh by now they've probably take-"

Black screen.

"The following footage has been cut due to the maturity of the material. We will instead skip to a later part of the interview."

The next scene showed the woman looking horrified, while France had a dirty look on his face.

"U-um…anyway….ahem…yes…ah…what do you think of how people are taking this? There was some speculation by some countries that Russia may have-"

"Russia would NEVER do that kind of thing to Alfred! You dirty girl-"

"THAT ISN'T WHAT I'M SAYING!"

"O-oh, right! Well, non mon cheri! You must know that Russia wouldn't do something like this!" France then laughed, "I know Russia very well you see! We are still friends and we talk often-"

"Ah~, France…we only talk when you need me to 'fix a problem' for you!"

Also known as the whole 'breaking France out of jail and busting up anyone who saw him do the dirty' thing.

"And as you know, I was also married to him for some time!" The woman looked at the camera dully before turning back to France.

"That's….that doesn't really have to do with it-"

"Oh I remember it well! When we got married! He was such a shy boy back then! Always being beaten by his leaders and the church! You know, he was chaste when I met him! He was so shy on our wedding night-"

"Please don't go into it-"

"I had to-"

And then, instead of a black screen, the scene switched back to the news anchor.

"Sorry for that, but due to the mature detail that was described for the rest of the interview, we had to cut it out."

Putin and Alfred turned to Ivan, who was holding onto the end of his apron like a school girl.

"Nice times, as they would say."

"Oh I was a blushing bride!" Ivan giggled.

_I will never be able to burn that image out of my head._

_EVER._

After that, the television showed a variety of other interviews, such as Australia.

"Yah! Alfred was supposed to come on down 'ere and 'elp me with the wata' problem! So much wata's come on down 'ere so quick that the sea critters came up 'ere too! Now there are sea turtles and the like floatin about on the streets-OI! One minute mate!"

Australia suddenly punched his fist into the water and pulled a shark up, before then tossing it far into the distance-

Team rocket style.

"Um…sir…won't that hurt the shark?"

"Nah, he's a strong one he is! 'Ell just be right bunkers for a bit before gettin back up again. Cricky, Alfred was supposed to 'elp me with that too! Too many land sharks flotin' along here for the people. It just isn't safe!" He then turned to the camera, his green eyes sparkling, "Alfred! Get on over 'ere! I know 'ow excited you were to throw some sharks with me!"

_AW MAN! I MISSED STREET SHARKS!_

Russia placed a bowl of coffee in front of Alfred and a cup in front of Putin, along with a plate of…something….

"Thank you Russia-"

"No problem Papa-"

"Russia I'm not-"

"Yay, I am so glad to have my papa here you see! It just makes me SO happy Putin!"

So the human then gave up, grumbling under his breath as he ate the…stuff…that looked like a potato pancake but…wasn't….

More interviews involving South Korea, Brazil and South Africa.

While watching the programs Alfred drank his coffee and ate his thing that FOR SURE tasted like potato pancake but wasn't.

It was food.

He was happy.

Until the next interview came.

Suddenly on the screen there sat a small, 20-something year old woman, her long black hair tied behind her back. A delicate, dark green ribbon covering her eyes. She wore a traditional, what seemed to be Chinese dress that matched the green ribbon.

A man sat next to her, his hand on hers, his eyes cool and collected. They sat in a darker room, only a single window open to shed some light.

_Aw…MAN REALLY…._

Alfred covered his eyes with his paws.

He hated when people did this kind of stuff.

"So, first of all, how are the two of you?"

"oh, I'm doing fine, and so is brother here." The woman smiled, motioning with her head towards the man beside her. Alfred's stomach growled but he refused to eat

Which doesn't sound like a big deal BUT IS

"Well, what do you think of the mess that's been going on?"

"People are surprised when we say that we are generally concerned for America, but we are. Our country has been getting closer to his over these past few years. We are, burying the hatchet, at you would say."

"Yes, I am quite worried for Alfred. But then again, I know he can take care of himself. I do not believe anyone could have kidnapped him as some have said. He is too strong you see…and he is far more cunning then everyone gives him credit for." The woman said, her voice gentle and-

_UGH! Just make it STOP! Why do I ALWAYS have to have a FRIGGIN guilt trip whenever I see Vietnam? Why can't you people LET IT GO! _

"But still, so much damage done to the land and, in turn, yourselves. Are you actually as concerned as you say?"

"Of course!" North Vietnam said, his voice slightly chipper, "Like I have said! We have been trying to patch things up with America for a while now! What is done is done. Even if he did kill more people than those who lived here, and even if he did drop THOUSANDS of TONS of napalm on us. It's fine that he just barged into our lives AFTER we fought for YEARS with France to get our independence, and it's fine that he then alienated my sister from me and called me a communist pig and then shot me in the face and blew up our houses and beat my sister-"

_OH, THAT WAS ONE TIME!_

"-And then MARRIED her behind my back and try to turn her against me and bring in MORE soldiers before he just DITCHED her and her people leaving them for DEAD in the hands of me and MY people making ME LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY!"

Awkward silence

"Even with all that…it's….it's fine now. It's…it's ALL forgotten…right sister?" South Vietnam smiled weakly and nodded.

"Yes, it is alright now."

"Um…right….um…and I can't help but notice the ribbon covering your eyes…are you still blind South?"

"A little…the ribbon is…really more because I'm shy of my eyes….you see they're still quite damaged-"

"We are seeing a doctor about them."

MORE awkward silence-

Due to the fact that nobody knew if America or North Vietnam caused South Vietnam to go blind.

"Ah…Poor Alfred. So much drama in his life for his old girlfriend! Perhaps I should go pay them a visit-"

_YOU TOUCH HER AND I'LL KILL YOU!_

"Your little friend seems to object." Putin mused as Alfred spazed and hissed on the table, nearly spilling over his coffee (but thankfully, not).

"Oh, he's fine Putin. In fact, if he doesn't freak out, THAT means that he is unwell."

"South, you said you're not too worried for America, why is that?"

The woman laughed slightly.

"Oh, he can handle his own! I remember many times, back when we were married, he was very cunning when it came to military tactic. It was his leaders who had the final say though, so many things were not his fault. And he is distracted too easily, so I can't imagine anyone being able to get his attention for too long. I think instead he is off taking a break perhaps…he always loved the outdoors you see. Many times he would ask me to go for a walk with him."

Alfred moaned and attempted to cover his ears.

WHENEVER interviewers talked to South Vietnam, it was always so embarrassing. Due to the fact that it was the only known relationship that he had been in, people would always ask her INCREDIBALY personal questions.

And she was too honest-

TOO HONEST!

Telling the world that he was actually too scared to have sex because 'Whenever people have sex in the movies, THAT'S when the bad guy BREAKS into their house and KILLS THEM' was a dark day for America.

_But it's TRUE! You never see MEN have sex then die! It's always people MY age who do it, and the next thing they know Freddie is in their room hackin them up! Well SORRY for looking out for my general well being!_

He had tried to explain this later on to the press.

No one understood.

"I do hope he is alright though. As my brother has said, we are friends now. And though it is…at times a little awkward-"

_Only a LITTLE (sarcasm)_

"We have come closer again. That is why I hope everyone will try their best to find Alfred. He is…I worry because he is also so very sensitive…"

"America is sensitive? I don't remember any of that!" Ivan huffed, his arms crossing. "You can insult him easily enough but he never cries about it. He just becomes more violent and stupid."

_I hate my life._

"Perhaps I did not step on the right cracks? Maybe next time I should say obscure things about Vietnam…I never thought of that…"

_I hate TV…_

Ivan grabbed the nearby remote and switched the TV off, and for once in his life Alfred actually had a small feeling of warmth towards Ivan.

Before remembering that he was the cause of his current unhappiness.

"It seems as if the news stations are still convinced that you had a hand in this Ivan. I suggest holding another news conference and….a 'cleaning out' of your house-" Ivan turned to his former leader, a pout on his face.

"For the last time! I really DON'T have Alfred here!"

"….hypothetically-"

"No I really DON'T! I told you before that I was planning on doing something at the Olympics!"

"Yes….well….then I guess you should 'clean your house to NOT move Alfred because he is not here'."

"He's not HERE!" Ivan whined, his upper body falling onto the counter in front of them. He looked at Alfred and sighed. "Why doesn't he believe me kitty?"

Wait….did you say you were possibly going to burn Canada's house down?

"Because you two hate each other-"

"No Papa! You see at the LAST meeting America and I shared a 'good laugh' together over China and Britain!"

Which was true….

At the G20 meeting, during one of the breaks Alfred had been eating his ridiculous amount of hamburgers (and talking to Obama) when he had to get up to go pee (which isn't really vital to the story but whatever).

While drinking his 2% awesome milk, he saw Britain 'sashaying' over to tell him to stop being an idiot (for whatever reason). Then America got distracted because Russia was looming over him, and Britain turned his attention to what seemed to be a beautiful young woman.

The three could not see her face as her back was too them, but Britain said, in his gentleman like manner, 'Oh, she seems lost, perhaps I should inform the poor dear where to go'.

Which is British talk for 'Hey, she has a nice ass. I'm going to go use my British accent to get laid'.

Which would have turned out fine, had he not hit on the 'woman' before she turned around to reveal herself as China.

Russia and America had never laughed so hard, so close together in their entire lives. Alfred actually had milk coming out of his nose, which caused Russia to start crying in laughter. And it didn't stop for a good 10 minutes, due to each nation edging the other on with their own sense of humour.

Needless to say, Italy screamed in horror at the two nations actually getting along for once.

But, America wasn't thinking about that, or having a flashback.

Instead he was still caught up on the whole-

_No seriously, did you just say you're going to burn Mattie's house down?_

"Good times-"

_No, REALLY…..did you just-_

But Russia just laughed, interrupting Alfred's thoughts.

The cat turned to Putin for some comfort.

And instead had his soul violated.

VVV

**I hope that was alright for you guys. It might not be as funny as it should but….yah. Wish me luck for school man. I'm going to try to finish this semester but I might have to drop out (not because of bad marks, but my mind is all 'Imma take off now' and I'm like 'NOOOOO')**

**I hope mentioning Vietnam didn't bother anyone. And yah, Australia is having floods.**


	14. Chapter 13

**I don't own Hetalia. Guess what you find out in this chapter? Hehehe**

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Alfred had begun to tolerate Russia's presence.

JUST BARELY.

It seemed that, as a cat, he had little options left for him when it came to his new housemate.

He couldn't exactly tell Ivan off, or say 'Hey, when you smile at me I actually die a little inside' or, 'I'm now having constant nightmares of you bathing me. I'm going to need therapy.'

He also couldn't storm out of the house since he had no idea where to go, and he couldn't call for help since no one around here seemed to speak cat.

So instead, much to Alfred's dread and hatred, he had….accepted his fate.

He was a cat.

Russia was his-

NOT OWNER

Rather…. 'Dude with the food'.

And America would have to wait out whatever it was that was cursed upon him. He absolutely couldn't wait to turn back into a human. He had so many things to do after all! He had to see Tony and….tend to his garden…..um…..and probably lots of paper work….

And some 'splaining to do.

Alfred let out a strangled meow at the thought, and Russia looked down at him with a smile.

"Aw, are you tired my little cat?"

_Not in the MOOD for you calling me your WHATEVER bro._

A large hand came down and stroked the cat's fur. Ivan hummed at hawed at the TV show in front of him as he continued to pet Alfred who was….

Rather…

Oh, what the hell..

He was laying on Russia's lap.

"You have warmed up to me in these past few weeks kitty. Ah, it makes me so happy."

_Tell anyone and I bite your hand._

Russia then moved his hand and began to scratch Alfred's stomach, causing the other to begin flailing happily, a low purr escaping his body.

Which America would normally see as 'screaming homosexual' (As in….no not A screaming homosexual, but the action was rather…well…one dude laying in another dude's lap while the dude sitting is petting the other guy and swooning over how pretty he is and rubbing and his chin and-)

_SHUT UP BRAIN!_

Yah, so anyway, Alfred would have seen that as…not with Russia, however after time he had found the one MAJOR upside of being a cat-

(besides avoiding paperwork and having no general responsibilities)

It was the fact that he could go to people, DEMAND love and affection, then ditch them when he got bored.

America was a loving creature. He needed compliments and hugs like fat kids needed chocolate….come to think of it, he also needed chocolate.

All that aside though, he needed the affection. And so, after a….however long he had been stuck in this frozen hellhole, without a lot of touching or compliments, Alfred began to go insane.

And broke down.

So here he was now, pawing at Russia or jumping on him whenever he had a fancy for a ol' compliment about his looks or his intelligence while also getting a nice rub down.

"You are so smart kitty, I was thinking of taking you over to see Ukraine. I think she would very much enjoy your company."

_I know, I AM pretty smart. And a pretty woman like Ukraine WOULD totally swoon over me._

"Ah…but to actually go over there and see her…." The hand stopped its petting motion as Ivan looked far off, his eyes out of focus. America glared up at the tall man.

_Um, I didn't SAY stop touching me Ivan._

(in a totally non-gay way)

Russia then looked back at America with one of his solemn smiles.

"I guess we'll just have to see what her boss says…."

Alfred, now on his back, kicked his legs in the air.

_Tell me I'm pretty._

Ivan's hand hovered over Alfred's stomach, his face in serious thought. Alfred let out a low growl that went unheard to Russia.

America's patience, like usual, ran out.

His arms and legs began flailing in the air as he rolled around on the other's lap, demanding attention.

Russia looked down in amusement before leaning down and picking the cat up into a hug.

"OOH! You are just so CUTE!" Alfred hissed at the sudden hug and squirmed away, his mood switching suddenly. Ivan pouted as Alfred sat beside him, glaring at the tall man.

"Oh…you are no fun…" He looked back to the television screen, which now harbored the face of England on it, "Oh…and kitty? Canada will be visiting in a few days. Isn't that wonderful? I think that's wonderful." Ivan's smile became incredibly dark. America couldn't help but shiver.

Turning to the TV screen, which held England, Alfred gave a huff. Stupid England…making him a cat. He didn't even DO anything! Really! When Alfred thought back to the incident, he couldn't really see the reason for Arthur's spaz attack over it all. He sighed, mulling over the memory. Maybe he was missing something?

FLASHBACK TIME!

It was a sunny afternoon in London (which was surprising) as Alfred stood outside of England's door. He had tried ringing the doorbell, then knocking, until now he was currently kicking the door relentlessly.

"Seriously, OPEN UP! I know maids are in there or SOMETHING!" The American called out, but still there was no answer. He looked to the left, then to the right.

England was so unappreciative of America's surprise visits. Here he was, after flying for so many hours to get here, and he wasn't even allowed in the stupid house!

_Screw it. I'll just let myself in._

And with that Alfred meandered around to the side of the house and hopped the large wooden fence (and landed gracefully mind you

LikeacatLOLZ

Yah anyway). He wandered over to the large backyard, the familiar view welcoming him. England had had this house for years, so he had a lot of time to work on the place. The backyard was huge, holding a small maze in the center of it while stone pathways ran around it. Behind all this were thick forests, which were-

"OH HEY A SQUIRREL!"

Alfred ran after the poor thing before it screeched and ran off into the maze. He stared after the adorable little critter.

He had learned not to go into the maze.

EVER AGAIN.

Because 1) He had gotten lost every single time and 2) He once saw this movie where like, there was this chick and this guy and they were running from this other guy and as they ran they had to go into this maze and they TOTALLY split up and then the hunter guy chased her down and then the maze like came ALIVE and ATTACKED HER and her boyfriend was all like 'OMG SHARON NOOOOO' and…and…

Alfred shivered at the memory and moved on, directing his attention to something less….

Scary and evil.

America looked behind him to the house, which seemed rather still for the middle of the afternoon. _Perhaps Arthur went out for the day?_

"Pffft…he WOULD go out for the day."

Whatever that was supposed to mean.

America shrugged. He would just have to make due and hang around here until the guy came back. He checked out his options.

Gardening?

_I do like that but….Arthur would give me a weird look if he saw me doing his weeding…_

Exploring the forest?

_That could be fun but…I'm….kind of SUPER hungry…_

Maz-_DON'T EVEN SAY IT_

Breaking into the house and eating Arthur's food out of revenge?

_Hmmmm_

Alfred stroked his chin in thought, then shrugged. Oh what the hell, it would feed his angry stomach AND piss off Arthur.

So like, a two in one deal.

Alfred somehow managed to get into the house and had one of those moments where he thought 'What just happened? Wait…how the hell did I get in here?' but then he stopped caring about it and moved on to the kitchen.

It was as clean as ever…and as old looking as ever. America pouted at the sight. Why was everything so CRAMPED in London? Even the hotel rooms! Everything was so small!

_Probably explains why England is so short._ Alfred mused as he wandered over to the cupboard. After close inspection inside, he could see a package of cookies.

Sugar cookies.

America grabbed the small bag and ripped it open, sending a few stray cookies to their untimely death. He reached into the bag, and grabbed one of the survivors, bringing it up to his mouth slowly as he gazed at the crummy masses beneath him.

He took a bite.

And then all hell broke loose.

Because as soon as he ate that cookie, Alfred realized he was having a 'hungery day'. One of those days where you could eat and eat but you'd STILL be hungry. Normally for a human, this could be managed by going to an all you can eat buffet.

However, Alfred was a nation. A very productive, hyper active nation. On a regular basis he ate a ridiculous amount of food. But on a HUNGRY day. On a hungry day NOTHING could satisfy the man's hunger.

The other stray cookies quivered at the sight of Alfred, who just stood there, the torn cookie in hand. Then he glanced down at the rest, a glint in his eyes.

And so began to food slaughter of August 2010. Nothing was safe or sacred. Bread screamed while the bacon cried out for help. The only survivors (red peppers) would go on to say that it was the most brutal, bloody massacre they had ever seen. Even the frozen foods were eaten, right out of the bag.

And they say that, if you listen closely, you can still hear the screams of the broccoli to this day.

Alfred belched and stared at the chaos around him. Bags and wrappers were tossed everywhere. The fridge door hung on only one hinge while a couple of cupboards were ripped right out of the wall. The sink faucet had been removed, which caused water to spray everywhere.

It only took him 4 minutes.

_Wow…I beat my record._

And then he skipped outside.

With Arthur still being a no show, Alfred decided to sprint over to the edge of the garden near the forest and climb a tree. With his new amount of excess energy, he was ready to blow off some steam on ANYTHING.

However, when he came up to the first tree, he did the most peculiar thing.

He raised his hand and karate chopped it.

It crashed to the ground.

If THAT didn't alert Britain, Alfred didn't know WHAT would.

He wandered over to the side of the tree and bounced around on the spot.

Ok, tree

On ground…

And….twigs on tree.

No…no twigs….wood….wood tree…

Yah….yah…..wood….water….wood and water….yah…ok…

His body shook as he whipped out his pocket knife and began to hack and slash at the tree, the twigs and branches flying every which way.

His blood sugar kept rising with every amount of sugar that it absorbed.

His eyesight blurred as he went in a flurry around the tree, not even really understanding what his hands were doing, but they were doing it DAMN WELL.

He raised his foot and kicked into the tree, creating a large dent. He scrapped and pulled at the bark. His knife screeched and cried at the impossible task at hand as America's hands began to bleed a bit. But…he was just so….so….

"DONE!" He screamed to no one in particular before jumping up and down in the air.

"MUST….GET….RID…OF…ENERGY…" He huffed as he ran around on the spot. He did this for another couple of seconds before he spotted the squirrel again and took off towards it. It ran at the mere sight of him, high tailing it up a large tree.

_HA! A mere TREE cannot stop the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!_

Alfred leapt onto the tree and climbed vigorously as the squirrel leapt and climbed for its life. They were nearing the top of the tree. It was coming into sight. A sneer came onto Alfred's face.

"I HAVE YOU NOW!" He screamed as he reached up-

And then the squirrel jumped into another tree.

Alfred spazed a little midair before grabbing a hold of a thick branch and swinging himself to safety (on another large branch). He sat down and caught his breath, his eyes still coming in and out of focus.

His legs were sore, and his hands screamed in pain. In fact, when he looked down at them they were torn up and bleeding immensely. Alfred shrugged. He'd had worse, and he was still too sugar high to feel the pain.

Though…he DID wish they would stop screaming in pain. It was getting rather loud…and…

Wait….Hands couldn't scream….

Could they? Wait….wait…no they can't.

Alfred looked down to see an older woman in a light blue dress. He couldn't see the expression on her face, but by the words she was spewing out at him he could tell she was mad.

"WHAT?" He yelled down. The woman stomped her foot.

"I said get right on DOWN here Mr. America! Right NOW! What in god's name do you think you're DOING?" Alfred swung his legs and sighed. Oh…it was MARY. The old bag.

"Nothing Mary…" He groaned loudly as the woman gave a huff.

"Oh indeed, nothing at ALL! I see you absolutely wreaked HAVOC upon the KITCHEN!"

"Whateves Mary, it's no- Oh hey! Where's Anne! I want to talk to Anne!"

"America you come RIGHT down here this INSTANT!"

"No way! Not unless it's Anne! I want to talk to the young, hot maid!" A few other workers began to gather under the tree, staring up at America. It made him wonder where the heck they were when he was under his sugar attack…

"Oh hey sir!" Called a familiar man with a green cap. Alfred waved.

"HI STEVE!"

"Sir, I do think you should come on down here!"

"Hey Steve! I was thinking of helping you with the gardening wouldn't that be GREAT I think that would be GREAT HEYYYY you should TOTALLY come up here STEVE!"

"Um…Sir-"

"COME DOWN THIS INSTANT!" Mary screeched as a few more crew members gathered around, including-

"OH HEY ANNE!" America waved hysterically at the red head, almost falling off his branch. The girl waved back.

"Hello Mr. America!"

"Oh haha Anne I told you to call me Alfred because we're friends and everything and hey do you want to come up on this branch we could have like a picnic and maybe sit close together unless you don't want to but you should put some jeans on instead of wearing a skirt while climbing up a tree because-"

"What the bloody HELL ARE YOU DOING?" A voice screeched. Alfred closed his mouth, his body shaking as he turned to look down at a VERY…VERY pissed of England.

"Ohheeeeyyy England-"

"Don't you 'Oh hey England' ME! What in the BLAZES did you do to my KITCHEN you BLOODY FOOL?"

"Uh…I kinda….well that's- Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

England was most defiantly not wearing a shirt, but some stupid jeans…

And no socks too…

How VERY peculiar…..

If, you know, Alfred cared.

Which he didn't really.

"What does it MATTER if I'm not wearing a shirt! It's none of your BLOODY business if I'm wearing a BLOODY SHIRT!"

"You shouldn't swear so much Arth-"

"NO! NO! What YOU shouldn't do is F*CK WITH MY BLOODY KITCHEN! That is what you SHOULD not DO! And on TOP of that you ATE ALL MY FOOD! Wh-WHEN DID YOU EVEN….When did that HAPPEN?" Arthur was now flailing his arms about, which was super dumb.

_Dumb England. He's like…so dumb…oh hey-_

"Oh hey Kiku! What's up bromister?" Kiku had walked up to the rest of them wearing one of his one layer house coat….thingy….things…

"Hello Alfred-san."

England then said something to Japan but Alfred couldn't hear.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU-"

"GOOD!" England called, his hands on his hips, "Now get DOWN from there before you hurt yourself! Unless I have to-"

"What were you doing?"

Silence.

"What?"

"Why is Kiku over?"

England and Japan looked at each other. Britain turned back to the tree.

"We were playing chess."

"WHAT?" Alfred cried, almost leaping out of the tree, "You were playing STRIPPER CHESS and you didn't even INVITE ME?"

"Not exactly Alfred-san you see-"

"NO! No. You, be quiet." England hissed at Japan before turning to Steve the gardener, "And YOU! What the bloody hell are all of you DOING just standing here and GAWKING at him! I told you to SHOOT HIM ON SIGHT!"

"We…we thought you were joking last time sir-"

"Obviously NOT!"

"Well fine!" America cried, throwing his hands into the air, "I was GOING to give you my work of art but if SOMEONE is going to be a huge DOUCH about this then NEVERMIND!"

England and the rest of the crowd stared over at the once fallen tree that Alfred had carved. It was long and smooth, and inside was a deep, long hole that would fit three or more people. On the front sat a little wooden eagle, and leaning on the sides were three oars. Anne tilted her head.

"What is it?"

"A canoe."

"Wh…WHAT?" Arthur howled, now beginning to rip out his hair, "WHEN-HOW-WHAT? WHAT? WHATISTHIS-IDON'TEVEN-"

"Sooo…Anne," Alfred swayed while England continued on his hysterical rant, "Want to come on up here and hang out-HAHA GET IT-"

"Um…Though the thought is tempting Mr. America-"

"You don't have to worry! I wouldn't let a little 17 year old girl like yourself fall or anything."

Silence….aside from…you know…England freaking out.

"America I'm 23 now."

"W-WHAT? Since WHEN!"

"Since a while now."

"Oh," He paused, "So…you're over 18 now?"

"So it would seem."

More silence.

"Want to make out?"

"I don't know if this is really an appropriate time America."

"...I'm gonna take that as a yes-"

"ALFRED!" Britain screeched as he ran up to the tree, his finger pointing straight up, "You come down RIGHT THIS INSTAND OR SO HELP ME-"

"You're not my MOM England-"

"Well we can GET your mother dear boy!" Mary called out while Alfred scoffed.

"My mom's DEAD lady. England TOTALLY killed her-"

"Like I'm going to kill YOU if you DON'T COME DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS-"

"MAKE ME!"

Silence.

Both men stared at each other, stubborn anger in their eyes.

Before England turned to Steve and grabbed his pistol,

And fired at Alfred.

Alfred yelped as the branch beneath him snapping in half, then had a moment of weightlessness before plummeting (rather painfully) to the ground.

His back hit the ground right before his head, which he then reached up to grab.

"Sonofabitch THAT HURT." He hissed before opening his eyes.

The only thing that could describe Arthur's eyes was…

Actually, NOTHING in the English language could describe the look.

Alfred tried to think of a Mandarin word…

Nope, none there either.

Arthur reached for his belt and Alfred cringed.

"Y-You can't give me the belt! I'm a man now! You can't give an ADULT the belt-"

"I'll make an exception this time." England said too calmly as he reached down and grabbed the back of Alfred's shirt. Alfred tried to run off, but was instead slowly dragged into the house.

"N-NO! Not the belt! ANYTHING BUT THE BELT DUDE! COME ON! PLEASE! I'm already scared enough of those things as it IS! NO! NOOOOO!" Alfred screamed before the door closed.

And after that, his mind went blank. Next thing he knew. Alfred was a cat.

Sucks don't it?

END FLASHBACK

Alfred meowed softly.

Nope. No reason he could see.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

**Yyyyyaaaaayyyyy….yah. Hope it was funny. And I hope you liked the reason for Arthur turning Alfred into a cat. I couldn't really decide on anything and then it just kind of hit me. Hope you liked it.**


	15. Chapter 14

**A hand shot out of the dirt, the bony fingers clinging to the soil and grass in order to pull the mangled body up. Slowly the next hand came, and soon a head made its way out of the earth. The thing pulled and pulled, finally freeing itself from the grave before looking up at the dark night. It threw its arms in the air. "I LIVE!"**

**It's been a long time. Nough said. I don't own Hetalia. Sorry if the chapter sucks but yah.**

**EDIT: I changed this chapter…like…A LOT**

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"He said the dumbest things you know." Matthew interrupted, his eyes trained on the screen, "but I know he's fine. Do you know what we were talking about before he went missing?"

Ivan smirked, his one hand holding a bottle of beer while he looked at his friend. They sat in the Russian's (new-new) living room, a video of the latest hockey game playing on screen.

_his diminishing dignity?_

"We were talking about you."

Ivan squealed, his legs kicking joyfully as he raised his hands to his mouth.

"Why- Me? Oh Matvie I am so flattered!" Canada laughed.

"No, well I mean…he was being all stupid. Did you send him some documents or…something?" Ivan sighed happily.

"You will have to be more specific…"

"Um, like…documents to…do with me?" Matthew said softly. Ivan giggled.

"More specific please." Matthew cringed slightly.

"One that would make him ask me if we are secretly socialist spies that are attempting to take down his government?" Ivan practically bounced at his, his smile as big as ever.

"Oh! So he did receive my email!"

"What the hell did you send him?" Ivan giggled.

"Oh, nothing…nothing at all." Canada sighed and reached out to pet Kumajiro.

"Well, either way, for whatever reason he asked me…and then I found him putting cameras in my house," Ivan continued to laugh joyfully while Canada sighed and rubbed his face, "Just, nevermind. Anyway, where is that cat?" Ivan sighed a bit, his face turning into a pout.

"You mean my kitty? Oh, he is playing…"

"Where?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Meanwhile, in the far reaches of space, a man named Isaac was standing on a train, the shattered windows around him a small reminder of the hell he was trying to survive. Around him lay multiple bodies. One was of a man, his legs torn off, the others horrific beings from the depths of the darkest corner of one's mind. The train roared through the dark tunnel, the blood on the walls glistening in the neon light.

He walked over to one of the grotesque bodies, his foot slamming down in order to search for ammo. He then walked up to the window, and bumped into the wall. Then he backed up, and bumped into the wall again. Then he ran in a circle and punched a chair before switching between crouching and standing over one of the bodies-

Alfred clicked E repeatedly, his kitty face scowling at the screen in front of him.

_Yah that's right. What chu gonna do demon? What chu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside yur-OH GOD! OH GOD OH GOD ISSAC OH GOD!_ A creature leapt on screen and attacked the protagonist, America flailing at the controls with his paws. _DOWN! DOWN DEMON! UGH! Yah. Tobuscus all up in here._

He sat on a chair, two dictionaries holding him up to the computer screen, his small paws running all over the keyboard, his eyes focused. Beside him sat Albino rat, its small eyes amazed and horrified at the images before it. Littered around them were empty glasses of soft drinks and beer. Chips scattered the room, and beside the computer sat a plate with what looked like to be a sandwich.

Matthew stood in amazement, his mouth hanging open at the image before him. Ivan leaned against the wall, a sad look on his face.

"I tell him that playing too many video games will rot his brain, but I am afraid he will not listen."

"Is that…dead space?"

Alfred hissed.

"Dead space 2," Ivan corrected, "In English."

Kumajiro walked out from behind Matthew and approached the chair, his eyes curious as they fell on Alfred.

_Yo, one sec Kuji, just gotta screw this evil demon spawn baby._

The bear climbed up to the chair, sitting beside Alfred.

"…do a barrel roll."

"Kumaji! Don't go near him!" But it was too late. As Alfred shot and punched evil spawns from hell, Kumajiro began to direct him on various things.

"Reload. Pick up those spikes for your gun."

_Hah, score._

Ivan sighed.

"He is, a bad influence as they say." Matthew scolded.

"Kumiji, come here right now!" Ivan shook his head.

"Sadly, it is no use. There is only one way to get him when he is like this."

"What? How?" Ivan then whistled.

"Kitty? Kitty time for dinner-"

Alfred hissed again.

_Dude! Just one more chapter! I just busted the train and-_

"Awww, who is a hungry little kitty? Who wants their little kitty food?"

_Don't make me hurt you Braginski!_

Ivan cooed and gushed as he came over to the cat.

"Guess who is going to get some food? Who is going to eat now?"

_No-nonononono-SAVE GAME! SAVE GAME! SAVESAVESAVESAVE-_

Ivan then scooped up the cat in his arms, Alfred screaming and hissing as Isaac got cut up on screen.

_NOOO! NOOO!_ He cried inside, all the ammo that he had found lost, all the demon stomping ruined. Russia cuddled the depressed creature in his arms, his face nuzzling against the others fur.

"Oh, my adorable little kitty. Your daddy is going to feed you now."

_kill me _

Kumajiro walked past Ivan and over to Canada, sitting down next to the nation.

"Food." He said simply. Canada sighed a bit, then picked the bear up.

"Alright, let's get you something to eat."

"Who?"

"Canada."

They then moved to the kitchen, Canada placing the tired bear on the table and Russia setting his pissed cat next to it.

"Now, play nice while I make some food." America tried to claw Russia's re-donkulous looking nose, Russia punched America in the kitty face.

Nothing special.

Ivan then moved to the small island in the center of his kitchen, a large smile on his face.

"Matvey, what is it that you have planned for dinner?" Canada shifted slightly and looked at the fridge, his brows furrowed.

"I…guess we could make crepes-"

"Pardon? I can not hear you when you speak like a woman Matvey-"

"Crepes! I said we should make crepes." Russia clapped his hands together and did one of his incredibly unnerving giggles.

"Oh, just like your papa? Thank goodness. Since you were raised by that heartless, godless country England I thought you might try to make some of his food." Matthew managed to stutter out a reply while Russia giggled again. America glared at the tall man.

_Seriously? Why are you friends with him Matt?_

Canada turned to the stove, busying himself with various items while Russia sighed happily.

"I miss these times Canada. When we just 'hang out', as they say." Matthew nodded in response.

"Yah, we don't really get together much, do we-"

"Yes, many a time have we played hockey and gone for walks with general winter-"

"Um, yah that too-"

Ivan stretched slightly and gave a happy sigh.

"I remember one time, why, we got lost in the snow!" Matthew frowned slightly.

"A-actually…that's…because you took all the route markers out-"

"And we had to try to find out way back home before sundown."

"Because it was 40 below…"

Ivan grabbed his scarf and laughed happily.

"But we managed to still have fun by roughing around, as they say-"

"You…kind of broke my legs-"

"And had snowball fights!"

"And you buried me alive in the snow."

Alfred glared at Ivan.

_Why are you friends? Seriously?_

Ivan stood eerily close to Matthew while he held one of his signature, joyful smiles on his face.

"Oh and then the General came by to say hello! Don't you remember?"

Canada's body shook slightly.

"You started strangling each other-"

"Ah~ And he was so happy to see us getting along!"

"How did you even manage that? I mean…he's winter. How did you manage-"

"Yes I do miss our 'hanging out' as they say Matvie." Russia's smile darkened considerably as he moved in closer to Matthew. Canada shrunk on the spot and clung to his spatula, his legs shaking.

While his other half, Kumajiro, had decided that it would be more fun to roll around the table.

_You…kind of suck as a pet._

"Matvie, tell me, and be honest," Ivan's body gave off a dark aura, "We are friends, yes?"

"W-w-w-what?"

America meowed loudly.

_Is this what always goes on between you two? Matt your friends are messed up._

Russia moved in closer, so their foreheads were almost touching.

"Are you my friend?"

"Y-y-y-yah! I mean- ye-yes! Sure! Right? Is that…right?" Russia pulled back then, a calm smile on his face.

"Ah! That makes me so happy to hear Matvie! That you are my friend! My trusted, loyal friend!"

Matthew allowed himself to breath while he turned back to the stove.

"What is this about Ivan? N-normally you don't get this….intense unless you're drunk or…VERY drunk." Russia pulled back, his face happy as could be.

"Oh Matvie, you silly little Canada goose. Why do you speak in riddles?"

Russia giggled happily as Canada slowly chuckled along, his head shaking slightly.

"I don't know what you mean Ivan, but sure. Whatever you say. Now how about we focus on dinner, eh?"

America sat there creeped out by the conversation, his little kitty ears pulled back.

_You're a freak Russia. Like, x10._

Ivan sighed happily, his head tilted to the side.

"Matvie?" Canada looked at the other, a hint of annoyance in his face.

"Yes Ivan?"

"Since you are my very trusted, loyal friend, does that mean that you would be honest with me? About anything?"

"Yes Ivan." Matthew nodded. Ivan hummed and hawed.

"Alright. Now, tell me…have you ever seen Pulp Fiction?"

Alfred tilted his head to the side. Matthew shook his head.

"Nah, I never got around to seeing it."

Ivan nodded as he pulled his pistol out from his back pocket. Alfred gaped at the scene.

"Hmm. That's a shame. Then I guess I will skip the reference since you would not understand."

"Oh, ok."

And that was when Ivan shot Matthew's left leg.

America screamed while Canada fell to the floor, his leg bleeding out on the tiled floor. Ivan tapped his temple with his pistol, his eyes glancing over at Alfred.

"Shhh, kitty do not say anything, or the police will hear da?"

"THEY'LL HEAR MY SCREAMING!" cried Matthew, his face contorted in pain as he held his leg. The bullet hit just above his knee.

"Then I will just have to shut you up." Kumajiro leapt off the table and attacked Ivan's left arm, earning him a loud hiss from the man. However, Ivan seemed prepared since he ripped the animal off of him and tossed him into the pantry, closing the door behind the bear. The Russian then pushed some nearby boxes against the door, kicking one to check if it was sturdy.

The large nation then twirled the pistol in his hand, a happy gleam in his eye as he looked to America.

"No getting mad this time kitty, this is an issue between mommy and daddy. If you interrupt then, well…"He trailed off while pointing the barrel of the gun at Alfred's face. Alfred stared at the weapon in front of him. Not only was he afraid, but he was also slightly aroused.

He has a thing for guns.

Ok that was weird.

Um…yah.

Meanwhile, Canada bled on the floor.

"W-why!" He cried out, his anger turning into pain as he fought the tears in his eyes. It had been a very long time since he was last shot.

"You see Matvie, this is what happens when you lie to me. You lie, I shoot you. You lied to me once, so I shot you once."

"I-I didn't lie!"

"Um, I believe you did. Besides, I have gun now. The man who holds the gun is usually correct."

_He's got a point Matt._

"Y-you didn't have to shoot me."

"Yes. I did. Now little Matvie, as it seems I have your attention, I believe you and I should have a little chat," He leaned down on the balls of his feet while taking out his phone, "Is this, or is this not a map of Ukraine in your house?"

Matt looked at the screen, then grinded his teeth.

"No."

Ivan shot him in the shoulder.

"Again, is this picture a map of Ukraine?"

"Y-YES!"

"Mmm…I thought so."

"I-I never should have c-come to d-dinner! You a-a-always try to k-kill me if you mention d-d-dinner in the invite!"

"Well, so far you have fallen for my dinner invitation thrice," Ivan then played with his phone before showing Matthew another picture, "Next question, and this should be easy, is this a picture you asked Japan to draw of my sister, Ukraine?"

"There's nothing wrong w-with that p-picture!" Ivan kneeled over Matthew, moving his knee to push into his leg wound.

"Answer question please."

"YES!"

Alfred leapt off the table and hid behind the island, his little kitty mind attempting to make a plan. To save his brother. His brother who needed a HERO!

"And so, conclusion is that you have…_maps_ of my sister?"

"No-" Ivan pushed harder on the gun wound, "Yes! Yes I do!"

Russia eased on the pressure then, a sad sigh escaping his lips.

"I thought as much. Well, I thought it only fair then that I have this." Matthew groaned between his gasps for air, his eyes straining to see what Ivan had pulled out of his pocket.

"What?"

"It is a map of New York, Matvie."

_lol-waitWHAT!_

Canada coughed.

"Alfred?"

"Mmm, it is a good map too. Look!" Ivan unfolded it before their eyes, "It shows you all the streets too! Each and every little nook and cranny of New York!" Ivan leaned in closer to Matthew, "It even has the name of the buildings written on it."

Alfred sat behind the counter, stunned and horrified and disgusted and horrified and violated and FRIGGIN HORRIFIED

_OH GOD-IT EVEN HAS THE TREES MARKED ON IT! THIS IS SO EMBARESSING!_

Matthew got up on his elbows, his face stern.

"Russia, give it to me."

"Oh but Matvie, you don't understand!"

"No-Russia-give it to me."

Russia grinned wickedly.

"But it's not the only one. I have them all," He leaned in towards Canada, "I have a map like this for _every state_-"

And that was when Canada back handed Ivan before grabbing the gun and pistol whipping him in the face.

"You give me those maps or I SWEAR TO GOT IVAN-"

Alfred almost wept from joy. Russia giggled.

"Or what? Or what Matvie?"

Matthew shoved the gun into Ivan's mouth, his face in a snarl.

"I'll blow all your teeth into your brain." Russia chuckled and pushed the gun out with his tongue.

"You see why I have anger Matvie?"

"I see that you have a minute to give me those…those…_things_."

"Then how about we trade? You give me all the things you have of Ukraine, and I will give you what I have of America."

"How can I trust you?" Ivan sighed.

"Search my house, my computer, everything if you wish. I will allow you to hack into my system- but only if you allow me to hack into yours."

_Oh thank god, it's over._

Matthew hummed slightly in the back of his throat.

"So, I give you what I have of Ukraine?"

"Yes Matvie."

_Uh, yah Matt. Just give em up._

"Even things you don't know about?"

Russia's face became incredibly dark.

"Yes Matvie. Everything."

Matthew tapped the gun.

Then tapped again.

Thinking.

_Uh-Mattie HELLO?_

"How about…a different option?"

"Oh?"

_NO! No other option unless it involves SHOOTING HIM._

"I keep what I have of Miss Ukraine…and you keep what you have of my brother-"

_WHAT?_

"Matvie, I do not think you know what you are saying."

"I'm saying I get to keep my pictures, and you keep yours. You not only keep the detailed maps, but you also get to keep some blackmail on Al."

_YOU DIRTY BASTARD! I KNEW YOU HAD TO HAVE INHERITED SOMETHING FROM FRANCE!_

They stared for a long time, neither speaking until finally Russia gave a genuine laugh.

"You never stop surprising me Canada. Alright. Fine. Keep them. But if you go anywhere near my sister, I will hurt you again."

"So it's a deal."

"…yes."

Canada gave a sly smile. Russia chuckled. And Alfred DIED ON THE SPOT AND WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MATTHEW EVER EVER EVER!

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**I hope that was ok. I'm so sorry for being gone for so long ;A; I love you guys! I WOULD HUG ALL OF YOU IF I COULD!**


	16. Chapter 15

**There is a time in one's life in which the sun begins to set. When a new dawn must take place in their lives. When the lonely call of the world cannot be heard.**

**What I'm saying is, I've been really busy. Like…nuts busy. For all the news on my life, scroll down to the bottom!**

**Meanwhile**

**HERE IS YOUR UPDATE! (I no own Hetalia)**

/

It was blank.

Just like America's hope in mankind.

It was blank like his soul. Like his last ditch effort to find the humanity in his fellow countrymen.

It was blank like…like…

_Crap. And here I had a whole 'arts student' thing going on…_

Alfred stared at something that WAS blank, but it was not his 'soul' or his 'depth of life' or some other metaphorical crap like that. Instead he just stared a large, very blank piece of paper.

One that sat on the ground. In front of him.

_Piece of crap. I can't even think of what to draw._

The room he sat in was full of colour. All around the beams of the warm sun touched and kissed the walls. Bright colours decorated the various furniture and walls, all shades of red and orange coming to life on the fabric. A large window on the left wall displayed the beauty of the world. Outside the snow had begun to melt. The ground was changing from its slushy, muddy form into the hard ground. Green grass had begun to reach towards the sun, life blossoming from the depths of the earth. Here and there various animals began to race around, obviously excited by the warmth and new coming life in the area.

Everything seemed happy.

Especially Russia.

Which made America very UNHAPPY.

In the middle of the room the freakishly tall nation stood, a small paintbrush in his hand delicately balancing on his fingers as he looked his canvas once over. In his opposite hand he held one of those wooden…artsy things that had paint on it.

You know the one.

The canvas held a very bright and colourful picture on it. Various trees and blooming flowers decorated the once blank area. In the far distance of the picture Alfred could swear he saw a figure walking, though who it was he couldn't fathom.

Yes, all around Alfred was colour.

And Art.

And all that 'fru fru' crap that he hadn't inherited from France.

No, America had inherited what had MATTERED. The important things that Britain had showed him. Like good business skills. How to screw the rules and make money. How to build and create and make various things that would bring any other nations to their KNEES.

But was America inventing and making Russia beg for mercy by his epicosity of weaponry and business savvy?

NO!

No instead Alfred was in a STUPID room with STUPID colours while Russia painted his STUPID painting with his STUPID paint and made it look totally AWESOME while ALFRED sat by his STUPID, NOT AWESOME painting and looked STUPID!

Not that Alfred was jealous or anything...

No, he was just suffering from cabin fever.

EXTREME. CABIN. FEVER.

"Ah, and how is your drawing coming my little kitty?" Alfred growled while he looked at his blank picture before glaring at Russia.

_I painted a picture of all the people that love you._

"Oh, how cute. My little kitty is not only retarded, but he is also artistically declined. And what is that pray tell? Prussia caught in a snowstorm? How very clever of you." Alfred sneered at the taller man while scratching the wooden floor.

_I hope I ruin your floors. Then you'll be sorry._

Russia giggled and slapped the cat with the end of his paintbrush, getting red paint all over the smaller creature.

"At least you didn't try to write me another message. Remember what happened last time?"

_You threw me out of the fifth story window._

"Yes, unpleasentries happen. Due to the fact that kittys cannot read or write, correct? And so cannot hope to send me messages and thereby prove that I have 'lost my marbles' yes?"

_Dude, you don't need me to prove your insanity._

But it had been true. America had attempted to communicate with Russia various times (especially after he had made a deal with Canada and was thus holding incredibly detailed maps of Alfred).

He had tried everything from emailing the Russian to writing on his wall in blood (backwards, so when Russia looked into the mirror he could read the message fully…which maybe wasn't the best idea but Alfred found it absolutely hilarious at the time. That is, until Russia had not screamed like a little girl but had instead giggled joyfully before grabbing Alfred, tying him to a rope and suspending him from the ceiling for five days while withholding food and water from him).

Yah…that kinda sucked.

And so America felt trapped. And pissed off. And trapped. And angry and friggin…friggin…

_HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN A FRIGGIN…NATION IN….HUMAN FORM…NESS!_

"Aw…is it time for kitty's nap?" Alfred scratched and destroyed the canvas in front of him, his anger only burning hotter by his actions. Ivan only chuckled though, now used to the others actions. "Alright, perhaps it is time for you to get some fresh air yes?"

_If by fresh air you mean murder than yes._

And so Russia led Alfred to the back door, opening it up happily as America dragged his paws out the door. It didn't make a difference. Even when he was outside, he had nowhere to go. No one to go to. Ivan sighed and walked over to a chair that sat near the edge of the deck, a bottle of vodka already awaiting him. America just sat down though, right outside the door, his eyes glaring at the horizon.

He had tried everything. Absolutely everything.

He had attempted to email other nations, but no one took him seriously.

He tried to go into his emergency email to send a message to his government, but everything was on lock down due to his disappearance. All the passwords had been changed. Even the secret websites had been relocated.

He had attempted to smuggle himself out the door via another nation, but somehow Russia always knew where he was (and punishment for trying to escape involved getting covered in tree sap. Which was gross and sticky and it meant that everything stuck to Alfred while Ivan laughed.)

He had tried to write to Ivan, but again that was a no go.

So instead America- no…Alfred was stuck. He was stuck in a house millions of miles from home while his worst enemy mocked and tortured him every day-

Alright…maybe not EVERY DAY…

Sometimes Ivan could be alright. He was warm and didn't really expect Alfred to do anything but look cute (which was something he had already mastered). Plus he liked to be a major troll to the other countries, and America did have to admit that he enjoyed watching Russia freak all the other countries out with his double meanings and creepy laughter.

But it still wasn't enough. It wasn't home…

_I hate life….if only my friends were here. That would somehow make everything better…or…so says Twilight Sparkle._

His thoughts were interrupted by Ivan giggling to himself, yet again. With a mental eye roll Alfred gave a sigh. What was there left to do? All his plans had failed…and yet he just couldn't accept defeat like this.

After all, he secretly wasn't even that good at being a cat. For a few days (after what Alfred believed to be stress filled and sleep reduced) he had tried to be a cat. Just a cat. Try to make this work. Because what if this WAS going to be the rest of his life?

Needless to say it was weird.

Some parts were cool. Obviously destroying Russia's furniture (again) and running into the glass door (again) was kind of fun. Not to mention running into every paper bag he could find and then making an insane adventure to try to get out. And yet, it just wasn't as epic as being a human could be.

Or…humanfied…nation….

Crap, he hated continuity.

What was he saying?

Oh yah, trapped in Russia (wait no- HA) as a cat.

The small nation took a deep breath.

In the end, there was only one thing left to do. Because if Alfred was going to go out, he was going to go out with a BANG baby. And what did that entail?

Well, first off he was going to take down all the creepy maps Ivan had of him on his computer. THEN…oh then…Alfred was going to screw with Russia's major security systems like nothing else!

Yes, Russia was going to get the worst screwing of his life!

…..in a totally hetero way.

With an evil kitty glint in his eye Alfred smiled. Yes, this was how it was truly going to end. Now all he needed was a distraction…

…

A while later, Russia was walking down the hallway looking for his incredibly brain damaged cat. After all, who was going to entertain him while he drank himself into a coma? Now that Lithuania was no longer living in his home, Russia needed someone else to be there when he decided to have a bit of fun and beat everything within a 5 meter radius.

And yet, he could not find his littler friend anywhere…

"Hmm, perhaps he is still mad at the whole 'covered in tree sap' fiasco. It is his own fault though. That is what traitors get. A face full of tree sap," He stopped a moment to think, "Or was it a face full of boiling water? Hmm…now that I think about it, it was boiling water…." His face brightened as he peered down the hall. "Kitty~? Kitty come here! I have a new game! It is called 'third degree burns to the face'! I have not played it in a while and I do not want to get rusty."

Something was off though. Something was…no quite right. It was far too quite in his hallway. Ivan licked his lips, the hairs on the back of his neck rising.

"Are we playing 'hide and go seek?' You know how much I love that game. First one to lose gets a whip to the face~."

He crept down the hallway, checking each door briefly as he walked by. No kitty in the laundry room, or the third guest bedroom. Ivan's fingers twitched, his eyes roaming.

"It seems you are getting better at 'hide and go whip' kitty. Perhaps we should raise the st-" But his sentence was cut short by something on the floor. A piece of paper. Confused but intrigued, Russia bent down and picked up the small object. It seemed fairly plain, however upon closer inspection he could see small, delicate flowers painted on the front. And inside…

_Oh, a card?_

He opened the card and stared blankly at the contents inside.

"Who's wedding?" He asked the emptiness as the figure crept up behind him. The figure with long, beautiful hair and gorgeous, deadly eyes. A figure with slender legs and delicate hands that held a very secure rope…

The scream was heard for miles.

Alfred however, was too busy to care.

It was true that he could not make contact with his government. He couldn't contact his friends or his family. He couldn't even make real contact with the man he was staying with.

He COULD however send an anonymous Morse code message to a certain psychopath who was forever attempting to break into the house that Alfred was currently in. A house that he had memorised the password to. A house that he had made note of all the entrances and exits.

As the screeching and crashing continued America felt a pang of sympathy. After all, he just wanted a distraction, not for Russia to get molested by his mentally deranged sister.

Then he remembered how Russia liked to play 'bitch slap kitty out the second story window' and suddenly he wasn't feeling so bad.

Besides, he only had a limited amount of time. The screen in front of him flashed on as his paws worked their magic, flying across the keyboard as he made one command to the other.

_Switch all to English. Open up program. Enter password. Use key increpted password into data base. Command code alpha. Search all non work related files…_

Yes, it was just like old times. Because Alfred might have sucked at arts and crafts, but he would be damned if he was going to get outmatched in something that he was known for.

And those were two things.

Computers, and cheating the hell out of something!

Meanwhile, Russia raced down the hallway. He threw as much furniture between himself and his sister as he could, but she was far too quick. Her light and slender body easily maneuvered around his decoys while his muscles only seemed to slow him down.

Muscles.

Not fat.

Get it right.

He was just about to run around another corner before a spear stopped him in his tracks. He paused before slowly turning around to his 'too-happy-to-be-sane' sister.

"Vanya…why do you run from your adorable little sister?"

"W…where did you get that spear Bela?" She pulled the rope tight between her hands and smiled.

"It matters not brother. What matters is my love for you, and how you are finally going to know of that love."

Ivan shook, his brain begging his eyes to find an escape, some sort of distraction.

DAMN IT! If only he had had his bomb shelter, AKA Belarus shelter, installed in time!

"P-perhaps we sh-should talk things out sister? H-how about y-y-you and I sit down and-"

"NO! No sitting! No words! The last time you had me sit down you chloroformed me and abandoned me in MONGOLIA-"

"But you chloroformed me and kidnapped me-"

"SILENCE!" And in the blink of an eye she was in front of him. Her small arms somehow holding the strength to fling him against the wall, her body counting out any sign of escape.

"B-B-Bela…let us…not do this-" He moved to gently push her away, however she slapped his hands away. He pouted before staring in horror as she tore her own top off.

He then proceeded to try to claw his eyes out.

Meanwhile, in the room behind the soon to be molested Russian…

The firewall was impressive, America had to give the nation that, however with his years of experience and skills he was able to get by it in a matter of minutes.

The screams intensified. Outside the door, breaking glass could be heard as Russia screamed something in Belarussian (something that America could make out to be 'no, our babies would be ugly and please put your top back on').

Luckily America had crammed almost everything in the room against the door, so if Russia did decide to crash into his work room he would at least be kept out for a little while.

And a little while was all America needed.

Yes, he was close. He could almost taste the por-

Ok…that was about to sound weird.

He could almost….er…sniff..no that's also kinda gross.

Wait for it…give me a minute..

He…

Could almost SEE the… graphic material that Russia had taken without his knowing about it!

Yes, just beyond the loading bar was the goal that he was so desperate to reach. Something crashed directly outside the room and Alfred cursed. He still needed time.

_Just 70% to go._

Another scream. Something hit the wall outside, causing the room to shake.

_Come on…come on!_

Another crash and dust fell from the ceiling. A few books fell from the book shelf.

_Stay on target…_

"VANYA! COME TO YOUR SISTER!"

"GO AWAY! GOAWAYGOAWAYGOAWAY!"

_Stay of freakin target!_

**50%**

The laptop began to shake off the desk. Alfred had to dig his claws into the wood beneath him to stay on.

_COME ON YOU PIECE OF CRAP!_

**38%**

A fist burst through the wall.

_Computer I will murder your ENTIRE FAMILY._

And then a knife.

**31%**

"PLEASE SISTER NO!"

"You think your hands will keep my love from you? I will CUT THEM OFF!"

"BUT I NEED THOSE!"

**25%**

Another knife through the wall.

_This is more intense than watching inception!_

"GIVE ME YOUR RIGHT HAND-"

"NO! THAT'S MY SEPCIAL HAND!"

More screaming. A chunk of the wall fell off.

**20%**

_Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod_

Now Russia's hand broke through the wall as he attempted to pull the drywall away in order to climb in.

_!_

**14%**

Choking noises. Russia continued to claw away at the wall. Belarus laughed and screamed like the insane girl she was.

**9%**

_NOT GONNA MAKE IT_

Russia tore a chunk away, both his bloody arms sticking reaching in in order to tear the wall down.

**4%**

_OH GOD!_

The room shook, the laptop sliding to the edge.

**2%**

_TELL MY FANGIRLS I LOVE THEM_

**1%**

And Russia pulled his shoulder in before-

**System lock down. Unidentified user.**

**Code P0225G**

**System scan 48009 Alpha**

**Spy system check 42AA:**

**Full system check**

**File check**

**Spy system check sigfried-**

**Scanning all known spy system software of-**

**System check complete.**

**American spy system software detected.**

**Complete shut down initiated. **

**Self destroy initiated.**

**Stand the hell back Sir.**

**Have a nice day.**

…_.SHIPWRECK_

America jumped out of the way while bits of software and hardware alike went wizzing across the room. Russia just managed to stumble into the room before he dodged a flying piece of burning laptop-

Which then smacked Belarus in the face and knocked her out.

Alfred gasped.

Russia gasped.

Belarus gasped (or…would have if she wasn't unconscious) before Russia let out a small scream.

"M…m…MY LAPTOP!"

/

**Is that ok?**

**I just wanted to say, first of all, that I'm sorry about the last chapter. I know it was lame and stupid but that's what happens when I don't know what to do and I feel like I should just force myself to write something! I get random crap ;A; So I'm sorry.**

**Also, a shout out to…I…I can't remember your name but you told me that if I didn't update you would kill yourself. Um…I'm sorry I didn't do so sooner….I also hope that you were joking…hug?**

**Oh, and whoever gave me the awesome feedback. I'm sorry for not mailing you back but again, I've been insanely busy. You gave me like ligit feedback. Like, what you liked and how I should work on not just random stuff but have an editor and stuff. If you're still interested in editing my stuff (even after all these months) let me know bro.**

**So what have I been up to? Got a new job (at PetSmart!) and now in second year university. Got classes…exams. Yah. How are you internet people? All good?**

**What did you not like about this chapter? Is it ok that it's going in this direction? To be honest I kind of want to start a new story, but I didn't want to start until I actually have finished this one you know? It's going to be like…**

**Ok you know how there are those stories about two nations somehow accidentaly get married and then fall in love? I want to do that but without the falling in love. Instead I want Russia and America and set up by some evil villan to join their countries and they have to somehow work together to find out who it is (and they don't fall in love or anything. They just find out that they both love to troll and become huge jerks to everyone else. Hur derp).**

**Anyway yah. I would say sorry for the lateness but…I think that's beyond it now.**

**LOVE YOU!**


	17. Chapter 16

**Guess who you meet in this chapter? GUESS?**

**I don't own Hetalia**

/

Alfred sat in the mud.

In the cold.

In the rain.

And glared at the house in front of him.

How, pray tell, did he end up in this situation?

Oh-hohoho.

Well let me tell you because he was sure as hell pissed about it.

So what did he do? Where did we leave off? In this story of America's most miserable hours?

The Amazing spiderman- America had hacked into the evil soviet system of Ivan Braginski.

He was so close to the secret files (of U.S maps) that he could almost taste them…which…was kind of gross.

Needless to say he was very close to his goal.

Outside the room Belarus was attacking Russia. Alfred waited anxiously for the files to delete when suddenly all hell broke loose. Because that

stupid, STUPID computer

had detected him.

And then it blew up.

Yah.

Ivan burst into the room. And then more hell broke loose as he cried over his now dead laptop. America tried to explain, but all he could manage were some strangled moans between Belarus's choking hands.

And then the KGB- or….whatever the Russian secret service was- busted into the house and began screaming in Russian.

Ivan tried to explain to them the situation, but then the CIA busted into the room and began screaming and demanding to know exactly why the American nation's secret passwords (which only Alfred and the president knew) had just been used on Ivan's laptop.

And of course then the Russian secret service were all like 'how did you know someone hacked Russia's computer? What? Do you have it bugged?' And the CIA was all like 'That's beside the point because America- Alfred F. Jones- was just detected using Russia's computer and that means Russia has America somewhere in this house.' And the Russian police were all like 'Oh no you didn't just GO THERE SISTER' and the CIA was like 'And what if I DID?' and then this

HUGE CATFIGHT

(ha)

Broke out between the two secret services and there was hair pulling and name calling and EVERYTHING.

At least…that's how Alfred saw it.

Long story short, Ivan freaked, threw Alfred outside and ran back into the house in order to try to calm down the two police forces (and try to tell everyone that no, he did NOT have America in his house).

And that was how Alfred ended up in the cold, muddy backyard. He glared at the house and sniffed, his little kitty nose running from the coldness of the cold.

_One of these days I'm going to throw Ivan out into the mud, see how he likes it. _

His paws kneaded the mud in front of him. Slowly it became more liquefied, thick pieces of dirt crushing under his fur. America growled as he thought of all the ways he could pay Ivan back for throwing him out in the cold.

Sure, it was spring, but it was Russian spring so that meant it was still a frozen hell hole.

With, with mud and crappy brown grass and rain and cold slush and bears-

_Bears?_

America looked to his left where, sure enough, a large bear sat staring at him. Alfred blinked. The bear blinked. He then looked back at the house where, through the window, he could see Russia throwing up his arms up and yelling at someone.

Alfred chuckled. At least Russia was suffering.

_Serves him right, jerk_

He turned to his left once more to see the bear, who nodded to him. Alfred snorted and nodded back.

_I know right? Like, seriously, who does that?_

The bear yawned and laid down, giving Alfred a brilliant idea.

_That gives me a brilliant idea dude._

And with that Alfred laid down and began to roll around happily in the mud.

_I'll get myself all muddy, then bust back into the house and hide in his sheets. Aw man, he's going to be piiiissssseeeddd._

The bear grunted in agreement before Alfred stood back up and shook himself quickly (to no avail though, since it was raining and he couldn't get dry). America then trotted over to his new friend and meowed.

_So, what's your name dude?_

The bear snorted and Alfred laughed.

_I hear that bro._

It then closed its eyes, causing the nation to tilt his head.

_What? Are you seriously tired? Dude you can't sleep out here, it's raining._

His friend just sighed though and continued to rest, paying the small animal no mind. Alfred huffed and meowed again at the bear.

_Dude go to a cave or something._

The bear moaned and rolled over. Alfred trotted closer and poked the beast with his paw.

_I'm serious. You can't sleep out here, it's dangerous. There are like…wolves and bears and stuff man._

The bear growled and shuffled away. Alfred meowed louder and jabbed the bear's side again.

_Dude, up!_

The beast opened its eyes and growled more deeply, but America just shrugged it off.

And instead of running away, he went with his gut.

Which told him to jump on top of the bear.

Which apparently was the wrong thing to do because after doing this, the bear then leapt up and gave a loud roar, bearing (ha) his teeth at the small nation.

America jumped back and lifted his paws up in front of him in defence.

_Hey man! Cool it!_

The bear snarled and lifted itself onto its hind legs, roaring into the air. His large teeth glistened in the rain as Alfred stared up at the towering figure.

It was taller than Russia.

And weighed a hell'ova lot more.

America took a few steps back and quivered in fear (and because he was drenched in rain and mud)

_Dude, be cool_

The bear fell onto its four legs with a loud thud before it took a step towards Alfred, its roars continuing loudly.

_BITCH BE COOL_

It then leapt at the nation, its great claw almost colliding with his face. Alfred leapt back and shook with fear as the beast then dug its massive legs into the ground in order to charge at him.

America booked it in the opposite direction, heading straight for the woods. The bear followed him with surprising speed, its body weight somehow not slowing it down. Alfred came to the tree line and made to duck left, however the ground slid out from under him, causing him to crash into a massive pine tree. With his head spinning he stood up, only having seconds to recover before remembering the massive beast literally on his tail.

America got up to run, however the ground refused to give into his friction and instead sent him this was and that. He fell on his face and stumbled to get a grip. The bear snarled behind him, giving him that extra strength to get back up again and make for a tree.

However, he didn't make it that far.

Something sharp and long dug into his shoulder as the weight of the world came down on his back. With a strangled, bloody cry he was pushed into the mud, his throat quickly filling up with the wet, earthy substance.

For a moment he couldn't breath, whether from his clogged airway, or from the weight on his back he couldn't be sure. However, after a moment he was able to get his face out of the mud and spit, taking in a cold, strangled breath before fully acknowledging the intense pain in his shoulder. He cried out again and tried to look behind him, however there was too much mud and blood in his eyes to see.

No, he could only guess that the thing had pinned him down to the ground, its massive claw on his back. Alfred tried to cry out, but the only sound that came from him was chocked and, to be honest, pathetic.

Something panted angrily above him and again growled. America tried in vain to push his paws into the ground, to use his power as a nation to lift himself up (and the bear off) however the beast had him pinned. He couldn't move.

He couldn't do anything.

Just breath, and feel pain.

And cry- which he TOTALLY didn't do.

The creature growled again and Alfred could hear its jaws coming closer to his ears. He could feel the teeth near his neck.

His nerves screamed.

His body screamed.

He tried to scream.

But nothing was heard.

Only the heavy breathing.

And the quick pitter patter of the rain.

Of quick footsteps.

And as quick as it happened, it disappeared. The weight lifted off of him. The sharp claw ripped out of his shoulder.

The ground shook from the weight of the beast falling. From a few feet away America could hear hissing and growling.

Scratching and howling.

The trees shook. Mud flew this way and that.

With shaky limbs America managed to get himself up, his shoulder badly wounded. With his wrists he rubbed at his eyes, allowing the tears and rain to wash them clean.

Finally the battle ground grew silent. Alfred rubbed his shoulder before looking off towards where the noises used to be, awaiting to meet his saviour.

He had half a mind to think it was Braginski.

However, the scene he found in front of him was not that of Ivan standing over a bear, but that of the bear laying down in the mud, a small figure standing triumphantly on top. The nation blinked slowly, thinking perhaps there was some mud still in his eye.

The figure leapt off of the beast and trotted over to Alfred, a smile on its face.

Alfred stared at it, stunned.

It came up to him and then sat down in the mud, its face giving him a large grin.

America blinked at the cat in front of him.

It gushed at him.

_So you are the one I've heard so much about?_

Alfred staggered back (and then swore because it hurt his shoulder like nothing else).

_Y-you can TALK TO ME?_

The fellow cat giggled as its tail happily skipped back and forth behind it.

_Of course, fufu, it is how us cats can talk to each other._

Alfred stared dumbly at the animal, his mouth hanging open.

_You…you mean I could talk to animals THIS WHOLE TIME?_

The long haired cat giggled again and patted Alfred on the head.

_No you stupid thing, only our kind can talk to each other. Animals are too stupid…evidently like you._

Alfred's joyful mood dropped as he frowned at the other.

…_you remind me of someone I know._

The other cat licked its own paw.

_Oh? I'm glad to know that part of your brain is still working. I was afraid you might be brain dead since you did, after all, pick a fight with a bear._

_Yah…you seriously remind me of someone I know._

The cat slid closer to Alfred and giggled.

_You are making me blush. Stop._

_It's like you're him….but as a cat._

It then snuggled against him and purred.

_I am guessing you are talking about your boyfriend. Though, I must tell you that I don't 'play that way'…or at least, not with someone as evidently moronic as you._

Alfred allowed a small hiss to rise in his throat as he looked at the other.

_Stop that. And Ivan is not my boyfriend. More like…like…enemy-end. _

The other cat snuggled further into Alfred (which was gross because they were both drenched and covered in mud and blood and god knows what else). It also purred loudly.

_I should remind you of Ivan. I am his cat._

Alfred perked up as he skipped away from the other and gave him a quick look over.

_Wait, you're…you're Russiacat?_

The other purred and waved his tail.

_That took you longer than it should have comrade._

_What TOOK you so long bro? _

Alfred hopped back and forth, his bleeding shoulder paying him no mind.

_What do you mean?_

_He's been waiting like, FOREVER for you to come back dude! _

Russiacat pouted and stretched.

_It was not so easy…He is always moving around…and after I lost him, I was unable to find him again._

Now it was Alfred's turn for his tail to wag happily. He quivered and jumped from one paw to the other, seemingly forgetting how the other had just saved (and...cuddled) him.

_It's gonna be like, a freakin family reunion man! And now he'll let me back inside!_

_It is not so simple-_

_Aw yah! Awesome! How did you find him finally bro? What like, secret cat service or, like what?_

Russiacat sighed and shook his head.

_No. I was able to find him because of you._

Alfred stopped his bouncing around in the mud to give Russiacat a weird look.

_What? I don't get it._

_He means me._

Alfred looked towards the third…'voice', which came from the forest. There a shadow emerged from the forest. It was another cat, but this one was different from the other two. He was white, though he was discoloured due to the rain and mud. His short hair bristled in the cold, but around his neck his fur thickened and turned brown, giving him the look of almost a collar. He took a few tentative steps through the mud before staring right at America

Who stared at him

Who stared at him

Who stared at him

Before the new cat tackled him into the mud. Alfred cried out (from surprise and from mud being pushed into his bear wound). The other nuzzled into him and purred loudly.

_I found you! I finally found you!_

Alfred spazed under the other.

_You sure did! Now get the HELL OFF!_

The other leapt off him quickly and trotted on the spot, his excitement evident as a low whine escaped his throat.

_I'm sorry- ok no I'm not- but seriously I love you._

Alfred spat the mud out of his mouth and shivered.

_Who are you? Who are both of you and what is going on?_

The new cat circled Alfred happily, his body shaking.

_Don't you remember me? Don't you? Just think! I'm sure you do! I know you do!_

Alfred took a hard look at the other before shaking his head.

_No, I don't know any Russian cats-_

_I'm not Russian! I'm American!_

Alfred blinked and squinted at the new comer.

The new cat smiled.

Alfred tilted his head.

…_fluffy?_

_See! SEE YOU REMEMBER!_

And Alfred was tackled once more.

_Such a beautiful reunion. I'm going to cry._ Russia cat purred. Alfred struggled under his cat.

_Fluffy get off!_

_You remember! I knew you'd remember!_

Alfred pushed the other away from his face and shook his head.

_I don't get it though, they…the police said you got hit by a car!_

The other cat purred loudly and shook with joy.

_No! No! They lost me! I got lost on a plane to Russia! I've been stuck here since 1985!_

_OH EM GEE FLUFFY ARE YOU FOR REALZ?_

_YAH DUDE!_

_OH MY GAWSH HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?_

_I helped him._

Both took a moment to look at Russiacat, who had taken to cleaning his paw.

_Say wha?_

_I found Americat wandering around Southern Russia. Since I had also lost my master, we decided to become friends and travel together to find you and Ivan._

_For realz ya'll._

America stared up at his long lost cat, his body overcome with many feelings (joy, confusion, excruciating pain from his shoulder).

_But…if you've never found Ivan since then, how did you find him now? How did I help?_

Americat purred loudly and nuzzled into Alfred.

_You once placed a microchip in me in case I ever got lost, but you were drunk so you put one in you too. _

Alfred blinked dumbly at the thought.

_So, once the signal was coming from Russia, we would try our best to get to the signal before you left again. But since you've been here so long, we were able to track you down this time before you left._

Alfred blinked again.

_This might be hard for you to grasp because you're an idiot, but it is quite simple Alfred._

America glared at Russiacat before looking back at Americat.

_You had to deal with him for 30 years?_

The other cat sobbed slightly.

_He bullies me every day!_

Russiacat purred.

_If you weren't so simple minded I wouldn't have to._

Alfred smiled and nuzzled into his cat.

_As long as you two aren't sleeping together, I'm happy._

Russiacat koled loudly in the background as the two Americans purred and cuddled.

And Americat licked Alfred's face.

Which normally would be REALLY gay (since they were both dudes) but since they were cats Alfred let it slide.

Russiacat trotted over and snuggled with them too, which became kind of awkward, so Americat cleared his throat.

_So, Alfred, why are you a cat?_

_It's a long story. Needless to say, I need to turn back into a person quick._

Russiacat groomed America's arm (which was getting a little too…you know…licking your arm- for Alfred).

_No need to worry. We have a plan._

Alfred mewed loudly with excitement.

_Seriously? WHAT? I'll do ANYTHING._

Americat got off of Alfred so he could sit up. The other cat's once joyful face now turned serious as he pawed at the dirt.

_Well…you see we found you a week ago, but couldn't get into the house. So while we waited for you to come outside, Russiacat and I tried to brainstorm and do some research on how to change you back.._

_And?_

_It is like Sleeping Beauty._

Alfred looked to Russiacat, who was a little too happy.

…_what?_

Americat mewed softly.

_We think you need to be kissed to turn back into a person._

Alfred stared at Americat…then Russiacat…then glared.

_You're joking._

_No._

_What is this, a fairytale? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way!_

Americat whined softly

_It's the only thing we could think of! In all of the fairy tales it's a kiss that always does the trick! And besides, it's better than the fanfiction way of doing it._

_What's the fanfiction way?_

Americat gave Alfred a serious look.

_You would have to have sex-_

_That's not so bad-_

_With Ivan-_

_Ew-_

_In cat form._

_(…freakin fangirls…)_

Alfred gave Americat a horrified look before coughing loudly.

_A kiss sounds alright, I mean, now that you mention it. _

_Yah, that's what a thought._

Alfred tried to laugh off the situation.

_Besides it's not like…you know…that or anything. Lots of guys kiss. Like, in Italy you always kiss both cheeks and…and…in France and..._

Alfred frowned.

_I don't know if I can do this._

Americat jumped up.

_No need to worry! Russiacat and I have your back! We have it all planned out! It's operation Gaylord._

Alfred glared at his cat.

_Did you choose the name?_

_No, I did._

Russiacat purred as he nuzzled up to Alfred. America growled and, if he had sunglasses, he would have put them on.

_Alright. Lets' do this._

/

**I hope that was ok. I am going to end the story soon, but I didn't want to do it right away.**

**Also, I have been spending time on my other story, 'He's my roommate' (shameless advertisement) haha…read it…please…I live off of reviews.**

**And I hope I made you laugh. I giggled a few times while writing the chapter (though...nothing much happens). And I need to get up early tomorrow...so I hope this was good enough you guys ;w;**


	18. Chapter 17

Hey look at that! I updated! SAY WHA?!

I don't own Hetalia

vvvvv

Alfred walked back and forth as the small bowl on his head shifted from left to right. He walked on his hind legs, his other two arm...leg…limbs folded behind his back, giving him the look of a cat-man deep in thought.

_Alright, so we all know the plan, right soldiers?_

_Meow!_

_Fluffy, you create a distraction and follow through in sub-operation 'my lumps'._

_Yes sir._

_Russia cat, you follow me onto the roof and aid me in removing the ceiling glass. Then, lower me in so I can then follow through in stage two of Operation Gaylord._

_Yes sir! Meow!_

_And one more thing- wait, where the hell…_

America looked back and forth, noticing that only his American cat sat in front of him, a look of determination on his little feline face. Alfred scrunched up his own.

_Where's commie-cat?_

_I dunno. But uh, can I use go the bush before we go?_

_What? Ok fine. Just be back here at o-800._

…_.what?_

_Just…just hurry up._

He then watched as his cat gave a weird salute and hurried off into the bushes. Alfred sighed and began to create more diagrams in the mud. He also did a triple check on the equipment in his mind. Did he have everything? All the ropes and pulleys? The garbage bag? It had already taken them half a day to get the bikini bathing suit, and they were losing daylight.

America looked up at the bushes and growled slightly.

_Where are those two? They should be back here by now._

And as if on cue, Americat came hopping out of the bushes happily.

_Ok. All done. Let's go._

_Ok cool. First we need to find Russiacat though._

They both looked back at the bushes where something rustled around. Alfred tilted his head while Fluffy took a tentative step back.

_Aw man, I hope it isn't ghosts-_

_D-don't even say that master! You're scaring me!_

The two cats stuck close together as they slowly inched closer to the bush. Finally Alfred lifted up one paw and, after taking a breath, moved the branches away in order to reveal Russiacat.

Peeing on a bush.

…_lame-_

_YOU BASTARD!_

Americat screeched and tackled Russiacat, who meowed and clawed at the others face. Alfred glared at the two as they hissed and fought over the bush.

…_seriously. Is THAT what you two have been doing? Peeing on a bu-_

_I MARKED THIS AS MY TERRITORY COMMIE! HOW DARE YOU-_

_This is MY home kitten! Don't even-_

_Ok seriously you guys!_

_I KNEW it was you that kept remarking this spot! I claimed it already you DICK!_

_I had marked it LONG before you did child-_

_I WILL NEUTER BOTH OF YOU!_

The two other cats stopped their fighting in order to look at Alfred, who glared at them.

_You two can pee on this bush as much as you want later. But for now, I need to turn back into a human before I have a mental break down and whip everything within a ten mile radius._

_But...you don't have a whip sir._

Alfred narrowed his eyes.

_Do you honestly think that will stop me._

The two cats looked at one another, then back at Alfred before giving a slight nod. Russiacat raised his paw.

_Alright, we will begin Operation Gaylord, however, I will not forget about this little one._

_Yah, me neither fatty._

_Well now that the peeing business is out of the way…_

America looked towards the house and put on his aviator sunglasses.

_Let's do this._

Vvv

The two translators sat on the couch, drinking heavily while basically the rest of the secret service threw insults at each other.

The two had given up long ago translating the insults and had instead decided to stick with basic conversation in Mandarin (so the others couldn't understand).

"I don't know why we're even here. We searched this place up and down for America, but we can't find him here." Johnson sighed as he took another sip of his scotch. At least there was free alcohol.

"Yes, we could not find your country here either. As I told you before, we checked long ago when he first went missing. We are just as worried about him as you are," Johnson looked at Ivana as she coughed lightly, "Well, not as worried. I mean, now the likelihood of another oil spill has dropped significantly."

Johnson gave a strained smile as he adjusted his sunglasses.

"There's also less of a chance we'll keep trading with you our goods now." The Russian woman rolled her eyes and looked behind the couch. In the kitchen, three Americans were trying to get some more drinks while a few Russians were (trying) to cook some dinner (with an American telling them they were doing it wrong). In the living room two men fought while six others kept switching the channel from hockey to American football.

She rolled her head from side and side and stood up, causing the agent beside her to look up.

"What is it?"

"I want a cigarette." She mused, pulling a pack out of her back pocket. Johnson shrugged.

"I think you can smoke in here. I've seen Russia do it a lot." The Russian agent sighed.

"Yes but, you see, I only smoke after a good meal. Or after sex." She looked over at Johnson. Meanwhile, he had begun to check his emails. She waited as it took him a moment to look back at her.

"Hm? Sorry, what? I, uh, think you can get some good food down the street."

The woman narrowed her eyes.

"No, no I feel like I would rather do the later."

"Oh. Well uh. Ok then." He looked at her.

She looked at him.

Then gave herself a mental slap in the face.

"You really are like your country, aren't you?"

"How so."

"Here. I will show you." She reached down and grabbed his hand, dragging him out of the room as he stumbled behind her.

"Where are we going? Is it a surprise?"

"Oh, it's a _surprise_ alright."

And just then the doorbell rang. And the Russian woman swore angrily before walking over to the door (and dragging the American behind her so he wouldn't get away).

She opened the door quickly and looked around, seeing nothing there.

"…Oh good. A prank. Just what we needed-"

"Is that a cat in a bathing suit?"

Both agents looked down to a fluffy American cat, one covered in white with a thick, brown fur around its neck. It wore a red and blue bikini and grabbed at one of the straps, looking up suggestively.

_Ohh nooo, my top, its coming undone._

"Uhh.."

Meanwhile, Russiacat and America struggled to get to the center roof, that which was held over the main hallway.

_Ok, you ready? Are the lines secure?_

_Yes. Everything seems in order. The question is, are you ready? I am not sure if the ropes will hold under your gargantuan weight._

_Haha-shut up before I cut you._

Russiacat shrugged and sprawled onto his stomach, inching onto the glass window (the sun roof). Underneath Ivan was clearly seen talking to a few agents. They seemed to be arguing, however something from down the hall caught their attention, causing the agents to leave the scene. Ivan then stood there with his arms crossed, calling out something to them.

The Russian cat poked out one claw and carefully cut a circle in the glass, edging his way around until he then poked his other claw into the center of it, removing the cut out glass. Alfred adjusted his safety harness.

_Dude, how sharp are your claws that they can cut glass?_

_Want to find out?_

_Sorry man. I don't do lovin before the big show._

With one last check on his equipment he gave Russiacat a thumbs up (which was more him sticking his paw in the air nazi style). He then grabbed the flowers and, after a final breath, jumped through the hole.

And for a moment he was in free fall, and it was terrifying and amazing at the same time. Everything slowed and sped up around him as he looked down at Ivan, who immediately stared up at him.

And then the garbage bag parachute kicked in, and he was floating through the air like a dove or-

Um-

A manly…

Floaty thing. Like a piece of dandruff.

And as a beautiful piece of dandruff he floated right on over to Ivan, who stared in amazement at his parachuting cat.

Who flew right into his arms.

Russia caught him with ease and looked down, absolutely speechless at the stunt his retarded cat had just pulled.

America smiled up at him and nodded, the sunflowers in his mouth bouncing along with his head movements.

Ivan looked around, as if to see if anyone else saw, then looked back at his cat. His mouth was dry and his voice in a small whisper as he brought the cat closer to him.

"Are those for me?"

America nodded.

"That is so sweet. I do not think…anyone has ever done something this sweet for me little one." Alfred blinked slowly and tried his best 'innocent/blushing bride' look.

_What this? Please, you're embarrassing me._

Ivan chuckled and slowly petted the creature, then taking the sunflowers in order to smell them.

They were fresh, but how was that possible?

How could he have gotten them? In fact, how did he know to get them for him?

He chuckled.

"Perhaps you are not as stupid as you look."Alfred stretched, exposing his stomach in an attempt to bring back the mood.

_I'm as cute as I look though._

The Russian then nuzzled his face into the warm fur, taking in a breath of how soft and fresh it was.

"Thank you. You are too kind little one. You have warmed me, deeply."

Alfred purred loudly.

_It ain't nothin baby. _

_Now how's bout you give daddy some sugar?_

_(Just please, no tongue)_

Ivan hugged the cat closer, pulling his face away only briefly in order to rub his nose against the other's. And then he leaned in closer to-

"IT IS WEARING MY _BATHING SUIT_!" Someone familiar screeched as Americat rounded the corner, the bottom of his bikini missing.

Alfred shook his head at the other, as if to tell him to 'GET THE HELL OUT I'M ABOUT TO SCORE!' but the panting cat could only shrug before running straight at them, an

**Absolutely livid**

Belarus behind him.

The clothed cat hid behind Russia, looking up at America with pleading eyes before looking down at himself and covering his exposed areas.

_Oh nooo~ my pants came off-_

_OH ENOUGH WITH THE ACT! THIS IS SERIOUS-_

"BELA NO! PLEASE!" Ivan cried as the woman lunged at the frightened feline.

In an attempt to stop his sister he dropped America, who landed on his feet and glared at the other cat.

_I was so CLOSE man! What the HELL!_

_P-please don't be mad man! Just look at her-LOOK OUT!_

Americat then pushed Alfred out of the way as the woman's knife came crashing down onto the floor.

Across the room a dozen or so secret agents followed behind. The Americans raised their badges.

"Everybody FREEZE! That cat is an AMERICAN citizen and is under OUR JURISDICTION-"

"Like HELL! That KAT haz stolen Russian property! It is under-"

"Belarussian property!"

"SAME THING!"

And then the agents began to have an epic cat fight in the corridor.

But, less pulling hair. More pistol whipping.

Meanwhile, Russia held his sister's wrists as she struggled against him.

"Let me go brother! Please let me GO! That THING took my BATHING SUIT! It was supposed to be a surprise gift for YOU! For when he went to EUROPE TOGETHER-"

"But _we're NOT_ going to Europe together!-"

"YOU ARE SO COLD! SO COLD BROTHER!" The woman screamed as she sobbed and violently shook against her sibling, trying desperately to get out of his grasp.

Alfred stood in front of his cat as the woman screamed and carried on. He looked back at Americat and gulped loudly.

_I don't think Russia can hold her off much longer. I think we'll need to make a break for it._

_But how! Sir there are dozens of special forces in the way! And-_

_Don't give up hope! Don't give up on me now soldier!_ Alfred kneeled down over his cat and placed his paw on his back. _It's not over until it's over ok? We've been in plenty tight spots before! And this aint nothing compared to that!_

_B-but sir!_

Belarus managed to pull one arm away, her cries of desperation getting louder. America looked back at Americat, who stared deeply into his eyes.

_Hey…hey don't give me that look!_

_I just want to say sir, in case we don't make it-_

_DON'T GIVE ME THAT! We'll MAKE IT-_

_But-but if we don't! Sir…being with you these past few hours. _The cat blinked as a few small tears formed in his eyes. _They've made me the happiest cat alive sir._

Alfred sniffed as he shook his head, his own eyes betraying him as the tears began to fall.

_D-don't say that! Don't even think that we won't make it out of here!_

_And sir I, I've always…what I'm trying to say is that I've always lov-_

The Belorussian woman finally tore away from Ivan, making a straight line towards the two cats while America could only stare up in horror.

And at the knife in her hand.

And before he could think, before he could even raise up his paws in self-defence a shadow came over him. A white, furry shadow that pushed him to the ground, its own body acting as a shield to his own. Alfred opened his mouth in terror as he realized what had happened.

Realized how he was saved.

_Fluffy? FLUFFY?! NOOOOO!_

The room fell silent as the other above him cringed, probably from the knife stabbing him in the back. Alfred could just imagine the warm blood oozing onto the floor. The once living being now nothing more than a corpse above him.

America sobbed as he wiped his tears away, his glare evident as he stared at the others.

_ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!_

Some of the agents looked away as others stared. A couple looked on in horror while another one just shook his head.

Alfred lowered his head, his tears freely flowing as he imagined the funeral for his cat.

His loving, sweet, innocent-

"Are those cats doing each other?"

Alfred's head shot up as he looked over at the secret service agent. He scrunched up his face.

_What? No-_

He then looked up at fluffy, who looked down at him (in a very alive like manner).

Alfred moved his head to the side in order to see that he was in a rather compromising position.

He looked back up at Belarus, who had actually frozen mid stab.

And Ivan who-

OH GLOB HIS FACE

_Uhhh….It's not…what it looks like-_

"YOU WHORE!" Ivan yelled as he threw the flowers on the ground and came stomping up to-

_Uh-oh_

And then he kicked Americat.

Right out the window

_CALL Meeeee_

He meowed before disappearing into the darkness. Alfred rolled over and looked back up at Russia.

Who was….um…well…

"You should learn that you cannot play two fields at once comrade. It seems I must teach you this, yes?"

_Uh-uh- please! Let me explain-IVAN? IVAN! _

Russia then picked up his cat and stomped out of the room, an eerily pleased expression on his face while the cat in his arms cried and screamed in terror.

The agents held onto one another in horror, one man crossing himself as they watched the Russian take the animal upstairs.

"God help that cat."

Vvvv

After a very painful day of playing 'pin the tail on the kitty' and being explained in graphic detail why cheating on others was bad-

Ivan using examples of the people who have cheated on him in the past, and what he did to them (showing Alfred via dolls and puppets. Which sounds nice but due to the content, Alfred was now scarred for life)

Alfred finally was allowed a moments peace.

Well not really. Since he had to now sleep beside Russia.

The Russian hummed happily as he thumbed through another page of Margret Atwood.

Yes. You did read that right.

_Seriously dude? I thought you were into some serious literature. Next you'll be reading Twilight or Hush Hush-_

_Oh no I DIDN'T!_

"Normally I do not read material that is targeted towards preteen North American girls, however, I decided it would be good for me to know more about my little lost sheep's mind set. And so I thought, what better than literature targeted towards young women!"

…_that hurt man._

"Hmmm, but it is not helping me to know where he is." Russia hummed, closing the book and placing it down on his night stand. He sighed and looked over at Alfred, who gave him a look.

_What? Are you going to show me on my body where you 'burnt the regret back into France' again?_

"To be very honest with you kitty, I am a little…afraid."

Alfred scoffed and pawed into the pillow beneath him.

_Of your sister? Yah I know._

"It has been too long. At first I thought it was a prank of his, then I thought perhaps he decided to be irresponsible and take a break but now…I am worried. America, he has been gone for too long." Ivan looked away, "I fear the worst."

Alfred stopped kneading the fabric beneath him and instead looked up at Ivan, who had a very serious expression on his face. He shrugged and gave a small sigh, his large shoulders lowering.

"Do not get me wrong little one. I am not the biggest fan of the boy. He is very childish, and when I say he is immature that is an understatement. He is too headstrong, rash, irresponsible, rude, and plain irritating. And that is only to name a few things."

_Ouch. Way to lay it on thick._

"And yet, I would be lying if I said I did not miss him," The large man picked up one end of his scarf and began to fiddle with the fabric, spinning it in and out, "He and I…we did something for each other. He was one of the few people that understood me."

Alfred tilted his head.

"You see, after the fall of the Soviet Union-no wait, that is a lie, even before then- people were afraid of me. They still are. As they should be. I have earned that fear. I have worked hard for it." He twisted his scarf tightly, "And yet, with fear comes loneliness little one. For who will stay close to that whom they fear?" He let go of his scarf and looked across the room.

"Sure, Serbia and I are friends, but he is still afraid. And Lithuania," He chuckled, "Lithuania is not my friend. He is my old, broken toy. My sisters…they love me, and yet they are frightened. I have given them reason to fear me. The things I did to Belarus…oh, but the things I did to Ukraine."

Half of his face was covered in shadows as he reminisced on his eldest sister. How he had to teach her a lesson.

Alfred looked down as he thought of his own family.

How Matthew never really looked at him the same way after 1812. After he forced his way in.

Or after he refused to let go of his nuclear weapons.

And Arthur?

_Arthur…_

"And yet, America," Alfred looked up, "He…he was never afraid of me. Which was strange because he should have been. Well, I guess that is not the correct way of saying it. He was afraid of me, especially during the cold war. I was also afraid of him. And yet, it was not like the fear of the others. It wasn't like the fear of Lithuania and how he could not look me in the eye, or the fear of Britain; how he would stand against me while shaking in his boots. This fear America had, it strengthened him. It was as if, as if he fed off of it. Like it motivated him. Because when I looked into that boys eyes, he would look right back. In fact, he would step forward, as if edging me on. Even in his fear he refused to let it take him over.

If anything, the fear was…fun."

America thought back on the times during WW1, or WW2. But especially the cold war. How it was just the two of them on the playing field. Sure, Ivan had his union but it was really about him and Alfred.

The arch rivals.

"And in that fear and hatred for each other there was a kind of understanding, almost like a friendship. Does this make sense to you little one? Because even though I _loathed_ him beyond everything else, and I would imagine what it would be like to smear his image off of the map, I also didn't want to see him die. I didn't want him to go. Because then who would challenge me? Who would be my equal playing partner? Chess is no fun if no one else wants to play with you.

And so that is what him and I would do. Even in this time, after the cold war. We play this…game with one another. He calls me a terrorist and I call him a woman and we laugh and hit each other, but at the end of the day we…we understand this odd relationship. Because in the end it's about attention. He…he gives me attention."

America looked back at Ivan, who smiled now. He looked fondly at Alfred.

"On my birthday, every year I will always get something from him, without fail. Even in the very beginning, my first birthday after the fall. He sent me a present. Sure, they are always presents that are insults. He will send lumps of coal or dirt, but inside of it, the heart of the present, it's the fact that he gave it to me. Because the worst thing to do to someone is not to insult them, but to ignore them. And kitty, he never ignores me. Not once."

Alfred coughed lightly. Ivan chuckled and picked him up, holding the small thing in his lap.

"And it is not just on my birthday. All year round. We will email each other and text each other insults. And when I see him at meetings, I always rile him up. He always tries to hit me. Sometimes I let him," Ivan smiled warmly, "Because we both understand kitty that it is better than being alone. But now…" His smile faded as he looked off to the side, "Now I believe he is gone. I have…I have seen countries die before. I always thought he was too strong for that but now, now I am not sure. What if he is gone? Then who will…" He didn't finish, just lowered his head as he went into his own thoughts.

Alfred meowed softly and batted at Ivan's hair.

_Hey man, don't say that. It's ok. I'm right here. See? Don't make that face dude…come on._

He was really taken aback though when the other let out a small sob, his face still hidden from his hair as his shoulders shook lightly.

"I am worried," He whispered, his voice barely audible as it quivered, "Because I know what they do to our kind little one. I know what they do to us. And Alfred is so young," His grip on the cat tightened as America looked up to see the small tears fall like rain onto his face, "Just like me. I was so young too. And they broke me. And I never got better. I n-never left that place. To this day. And I worry because even though he is a foolish boy- he is still just a boy. He doesn't need to know what it's like. H-how cold and wet and…" His body shook as he bit his lip, his mouth not daring to let out what his heart felt. What his mind remembered. So he instead shook his head, a chocked sound coming from his throat, "I was so y-young…he's s-so young…"

Alfred reached up with his paw and lightly touched Ivan's face, causing the large man to flinch at the feeling.

He cooed and purred softly, his small paws trying to dab away the other's tears.

_It's ok. I'm here. And I'm safe. I'm with you. And even though this hasn't been the best time, I mean, you haven't done any real damage man. I'm not…I'm still ok. I'm still me. I haven't changed. They haven't changed me man._

Ivan sniffed and quickly rubbed his eyes, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he hiccupped.

"I am sorry. That was…I should not have said that in front of you."

_It's fine. I know you…don't really talk about your childhood. But it's good to talk about it. Abuse should never be silenced._

The Russian then tried to laugh it off as he wiped away more tears.

"Oh, just look at me! Like girl who has just lost virginity to drunk boyfriend."

…_not the best analogy at the moment man. But I'll let it slide._

Ivan laughed lightly and looked down at Alfred, the smile back on his face.

The genuine one.

"Thank you little one. For so much."

Alfred purred.

_It's fine. Anything for a friend._

"You are too kind. But also a little dumb," He laughed, "You remind me of him."

_I sure as hell hope so._

Ivan chuckled again, and then stared down warmly at Alfred, his eyes dried, his shaking nerves calmed. He breathed out slowly and lowered his face, rubbing it softly against the cat before pulling away.

Alfred purred and stretched his neck up in order to give Ivan a small lick beside his lips.

As an act of comfort. And warmth. And an expression of 'no, you're not alone'.

And Ivan leaned back down and gave the softest of kisses to the small creature, making sure not to startle it or scare it away.

Alfred purred again and snuggled into the kiss, causing Ivan to pull away giggling.

And then-

And then this feeling deep in America's stomach started to grow.

Like the smallest of sparks.

That began to flame.

And it kept building and building against him and he held his breath before he could feel something coming.

Like he was changing.

His eyes widened as he took in a breath, his body expanding and his little paws shaking as he

Burped right in Ivan's face.

They both stared at each other.

…_sorry. Must be the tacos._

And they stared.

Before Ivan let out a giggle.

And Alfred let out a snort.

And they both began to laugh until they were crying, but for a good reason.

And Alfred was enjoying himself until he realised that he had not just turned into a human.

And was still a cat.

And had let Ivan kiss him.

_HAHAHAHA-OH GOD DAMN IT!_

Meanwhile…

Americat and Russiacat sat outside the window, watching as their two masters laughed.

Well, until America then spazzed for some reason, causing Russia to laugh harder and pull him into a death hug.

Russiacat sighed.

_It seems that Operation: Gaylord was a failure_

_Aw man! And I wore a woman's bikini and everything! All for nothing!_

_Well, I am out of ideas comrade. Perhaps we should simply let the spell wear off?_

_Aw HELLZ NAW! We are going to save him no matter WHAT!_

They both stared back inside, where Alfred howled in pain as Ivan held him in a full nelson.

_No matter what._

Vvvvvvvv

Was that ok? I hope I put in the right amount of 'funny and serious'. It know it was kind of a mood swing chapter but…yah.

As for the 'they' that hurt Ivan, that's up to you. Was it people? Is he referring to other nations? You decide man.

And did anyone recognise Agents Johnson and Ivana? They're from my other story.

There you go. I love you. Review and I will love you more.

Anyone get the glob reference? Anyone? Anyone? Buller?


	19. Chapter 18

I don't own Hetalia.

VvV

Alfred sat pathetically on the floor, his body stretched out in front of him as his fat sagged to the side. His fur was ruffled and unclean, his eyes looking old and worn out.

Even his breath smelled.

_Way to boost my self confidence._

Yes. America was a pathetic, low life loser because he had failed in his mission.

And thus failed at life.

Because he was now surely doomed to the life of a cat.

He curled up and whimpered as Ivan came striding into the room.

"Ah! There you are my little feline friend! I was looking all over!" He smiled and knelt down, poking at Alfred's stomach, "I was thinking, 'But how could I lose a beached whale?!' when I found you! Silly me."

America sighed.

Russia pouted.

"What is wrong my fat little friend? Are you sad because that cat who violated you never called you back?"

_The voices are being mean today Ivan. You know. The ones that narrate my life and tell me to do things._

"Well do not be sad over that kitty. Many people have never called me back after violating me. It is part of life. It is 'injustice' after all."

America rolled over.

_Go away. I'm not in the mood to even shoot things._

Tears welled up in his eyes.

_Oh god. What am I saying? HOW FAR HAVE I FALLEN?!_

"Awww…little one. Do not look so sad," Ivan then picked up the cat, who became limp in his arms, "I know what will cheer you up! A nice warm bath!" Alfred's head lulled as he looked up at his…

….

Oh, what's the point?

Owner.

_Why do you always insist on bad touching me when I'm sad._

"That's the spirit! Come along now child." And with that they headed towards Ivan's room, the Russian all smiles while Alfred dreaded the next hour.

Outside, the two stray cats attempted to plan their next step.

_It is obvious. We must fight fire with fire, or, magic._

_Dude, we're freakin cats. We can't DO magic._

Russiacat smiled and tilted his head.

_And you have better idea?_

The American cat laughed.

_COURSE! WE BLOW UP THE PLA-_

_I told you before. We can't nuke them. And even if we could that doesn't mean we should do it._

_HEY! If Hollywood has taught me anything it's that explosions solve EVERYTHING._

The older cat sighed and got up, stretching his legs before hopping up a tree.

_Hey man, where's the fire?_

_I am going to check on them. See how they are doing._

_WAIT UP, BRO!_

The younger then leapt at the tree, digging in his claws in order to wobble up. Meanwhile, Russiacat sat on the branch outside the bedroom window, his eyes narrowed.

The American huffed.

_Phew. Big freakin tree man._

_Perhaps if you hadn't eaten all those leftovers-_

_Can it Red. I'm fine._

He then struggled and managed to get beside the other cat. They then sat, watching as the door inside opened with Russia happily carrying a possibly dead Alfred in his arms.

The happy nation said something, shook Alfred, then threw him to the floor before walking to the bathroom, a skip in his step.

Americat sniffled and pawed at the tree branch.

_Oh Alfred. If only I was your master. I would treat you so well. And give you belly rubs… and… and…_

He purred and kneaded the branch, causing it to sway beneath the two cats. Russiacat sighed happily.

_I am first of all surprised we have not fallen to death due to your gargantuan weight. I am also concerned for you mental health._

Americat scoffed.

_It's totally normal for me to want to want to be a human and take care of my master._

_I assure you that what you are imagining is illegal in many countries-_

_SHUT UP!_

Alfred lifted his head from the carpet and looked up at the two cats, who both lifted their paws as if to wave. America lifted his own, his body shaking slightly as he hiccupped a sob.

Americat whined and reached towards the window.

_Oh master! Please don't cry! Everything will be alright! I promise! REALLY! I'LL BE YOUR SUPERMAN-_

The branch began to shake as the American continued to rock and move towards the window.

Russiacat held on tightly as he laughed nervously.

_Now now c-comrade! No need to shake the BRANCH-_

The other cat began to howl.

_CAUSE AFTER ALLLLLLLL- YOU'RE MY WONDERWALLLLL- AHHH_

Alfred then watched as the tree branch outside the window screamed then cracked, bringing the two cats down with it. Americat screamed while Russiacat simply glared, their bodies quickly dropping out of sight.

Alfred sighed.

_Great. Now I'll have to take care of a dead cat too._

Ivan then popped his head out of the bathroom.

"Kitty! I was thinking we could take a bath together today, isn't that great?"

_Kill me._

"That's the spirit!"

And then he disappeared again, the sound of running water clear in the background.

America sighed, then clenched his paws, his face distorted.

_Am I really going to accept this? Is this really my fate? Doomed to a life of-of-Russia filled bubble baths! Of cruel and unusual torture?! Of NEVER LAYING A GIRL?! NO! No I-I can't- I WON'T stand for this! This isn't me man! If I'm going down, then I'm going down fighting. Either I turn back into a human, or I die trying!_

He jumped up, his eyes clear as he spoke to no one.

_Did I take it lying down when Britain kept raising my taxes? When Mexico wanted Texas? When Japan punched me in the face? NO! No I DIDN'T! I fought back then, and I'm sure as hell going to do it now!_

He wavered, then stood on his hind legs.

_Because I'm the land of the free!_

He stretched out his right arm.

_The home of the brave!_

Then the left.

_And I will not accept a destiny that has me doomed to be another's slave! I'm a man of ideas! I am a nation of POWER!_

He took a breath in and pointed out towards the window, towards the sky.

_And I- I-_

"I will NOT STAND FOR THIS! MOON. PRISM. POWER!"

The room lit up (in his mind) as he balanced on his tippy toes and did a spin, mimicking the movements and motions from his (secretly) beloved anime.

And there were sparkles, and ribbons, and fan service, and really manly colours as he moved his arms back and forth, finally taking the final position and making a peace sign over his forehead.

In the back of his mind people clapped.

And somewhere a fangirl screamed.

But for now he stood alone in the room.

Alone and very naked.

"Yup, that went-oh my god-am I talking-IAMAREN'TI?!" Alfred leapt for joy as he ran to the window, his fingers twitching, his legs aching.

He almost fell, slightly forgetful of how to walk bipedal, however he did manage to make it to the window and open it up, staring down at the two cats who were fighting.

"YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! It was DISNEY ALL ALONG! I JUST HAD TO USE THE POWER OF MY HEART! AND MY INABILITY TO TAKE IT LYING DOWN!"

The two cats looked up at him and meowed- Russiacat giving a low meow while Americat began freaking out and running in circles.

"Haha-good one fluffy. You always knew just what to say."

"What?"

America turned back around to Russia, who had just come out of the bathroom, his face…

Uh…

That of an expression which cannot really be described.

"Hey dude. Sup. Guess that's gonna be a 'no' for the bath right?"

Ivan blinked. Very, very slowly.

"Yeah. Totally," They stood there in silence for a moment as Alfred looked down at himself and smiled, "Man, I cannot tell you how much I missed this," He then hugged himself, "I'm so warm and chiseled! DAMN! I forgot how attractive I was, I mean, look at me!"

Russia opened his mouth, then closed it.

Alfred snorted.

"I know. I leave people speechless. Oh hey, I missed you too buddy." Alfred gushed talking to…

You know what? I think you can guess what he was referring too.

"I was going to make a 'touching myself' joke, but then I didn't know if your English was good enough to catch on. You get me? Yeah, cool." Alfred looked around, his hands on his hips as he openly scratched himself, "So…" He looked at Ivan, "Why's your shirt off?"

Slowly, Ivan's face hardened.

"What… Why are you here?"

"Huh? Dude didn't you know-"

And suddenly Ivan was right in front of him, his large hands on his throat, his face deathly close as it held an expression of rage and fear.

"What. Are. You. DOING HERE?"

Alfred gasped as he grabbed at the other's hands, desperately trying to pull them away.

"D-dude! M-my windpipe! I n-need that!" He choked, only making Russia press down harder.

"This is some sick joke isn't it? Who are you really? Are you British-"

"It's me!" Alfred wheezed as Ivan snorted.

"Please. Amerika would not suddenly appear in my room in the nude and not begin the conversation without an insult."

America coughed and shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes.

"N-no I'm- your c-cat!"

Ivan's grip loosened as his eyes widened, his expression taken aback.

"My cat?"

Alfred pushed him away and coughed violently.

"Y-yeah dude! Your freaking c-cat-"

"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY CAT?!"

Alfred looked up and raised his hands.

"No man! No it's me! I'M YOUR CA-"

Ivan screamed as he lunged and slammed Alfred into the ground, his thumbs pressing hard on his adams apple as he snarled angrily.

"I LOVE HIM you SON OF A BITCH-"

"I-V-I-can't-B-BREA-"

"GOOD! I'LL KILL YOU-YOU…you…y…"

The pressure lifted as Ivan looked off to the side. Alfred coughed and looked over as well, finally noticing the various agents who stood at the door.

All with shocked expressions.

"W…we…heard a noise…" One mumbled before another screamed and pulled out his gun, opening fire on Russia. Ivan dodged out of the way, scrambling to get to the bathroom as different agents began to fire at him. The Russian agents began to push them aside, a small fight breaking out as Alfred curled and attempted to cover his body from the bullets.

Three agents raced through the crowd and came to him, kneeling and speaking too quickly for him to understand.

"What?"

"Sir, are you alright? Is everything ok? Quickly, tell me, how many times does the cock crow?"

Alfred scrunched his face and looked at the other man.

"How the F*CK should I KNOW?! I'm in a DRIVE BY SHOOTING-"

The agent then nodded to the others.

"That's the right answer. It's him."

The third agent began to bawl as he cupped America's head in his hands and cuddled him.

"SIR! SIR, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

"Come on Smith! N-no need for…for tears." The other two sniffled as they joined in on the very awkward group hug. Alfred blinked.

"Um…as much as I'm enjoying this men, can someone please get me some pants before we start having a moment?"

"Of course! Of course. Someone! GET ME SOME STARBUCKS, STAT!"

"It's ok sir. Everything will be alright now." The agents helped him to his feet as one took off his jacket in order to drape it around his shoulders.

"Ok cool."

"Let's go home." Alfred smiled.

"I've wanted to hear those words for a long time soldier." He then turned his head around, "Hey Ivan! I'm gonna go back to my place...uh..."

Several agents had Ivan pressed against the wall, his hands pulled painfully behind his back as they cuffed him. He looked over at Alfred, fear and confusion in his eyes.

America tilted his head.

"Hey? What's gonna happen to the sasquach?"

"Come along sir. We have a jet that will take you back to America immediately."

"But-"

"Come on."

And that he was gone, just getting another glimpse of Ivan before he was pulled away from the scene.

vVv

He sat on the plane, a cool beer in his hands with Americat sleeping in his lap. He kicked his feet up on the table ahead of him. He looked out the window and hummed.

He loved flying. Airplanes were the coolest.

After being a cat for over a year, he had forgotten about the cool things about being a human. Like beer, and driving a car, clothes, cell phones, flipping people off.

_It's the little things in life._

He mused, leaning back and sighing happily.

"Is there anything else you would like sir? More chicken? Or beef perhaps?"

Alfred lulled his head over to the side in order to look up at the Stewardess. She wore a light blue uniform, with matching skirt. He looked over her.

_And skirts. I missed those too._

"No...no that's alright."

"Are you sure there's nothing else?" America sighed and reached out, gently grabbing a hold of the woman's wrist.

"Listen, I've basically been in solitary confinement for over a year. No one but a creepy old dude for company. Know what I'm sayin? There are some things that I," He looked up at her, "Couldn't get my hands on."

The woman blushed and nodded.

"O-oh..."

"Yeah. So," He pulled her closer so he could whisper, "I think we both know what I'm getting at. Seeing as we're two couple of young people and all."

She swallowed and nodded.

"I...I think so."

"Good. Then let's not waste any time."

And that's how the woman found herself in a one on one match in Halo.

America moved and jumped on the sport, shooting and chasing after as her character jumped in a car.

The other stewardess' screaming and cheering behind her.

"STACY USE A PLASMA GRENADE! I TOLD YOU ALREADY!"

"I'm all out!" She whined as America jumped up and punched her character.

"HEAD SHOT!" He cried as another girl kicked his back.

"Let me play already! Stacy doesn't even know how to play!" Alfred swore and rubbed his back, pausing the game an glaring up at her.

"Hellz naw! You cream me every time!"

"So you'd rather fight against a total noob?" Alfred snorted.

"Uh, yeah!"

The captain walked into the room and sighed, crossing his arms.

"Glad to see you all had a total disregard for your safety by not fastening your seat belts. If you're done, we've landed and the president is ready to see you sir."

Alfred leapt up and threw down his controller.

"Really? He came all the way to see me?"

The captain chuckled.

"Sure did sir. He's right outside."

America gave the man a thumbs up then rushed to the door, waving to the girls.

"Bye ladies! See you later!"

They laughed and waved as he opened it and ran down the stairs.

Below the president opened his arms.

"Alfred! There you are- UGH-"

But he was interrupted by Alfred picking him up and spinning him around.

"DADDY! DADDY, I MISSED YOU!" The man coughed and stumbled after America put him down, "Sorry. Forgot the whole 'not crushing you' business."

The man laughed and coughed some more.

"I-It's fine Alfred. You just caught me off guard," He smiled at him and patted his back, "How are you? Was your flight ok?"

"Yeah man. It was ballin'."

"Good...good." He pushed Alfred along lightly so the two began to walk, "Alfred, I need to talk with you-"

"I know. I missed an election. Damn-"

"No. No, it's much more important. It's about the Russian Federations trial."

Alfred laughed.

"Yeah, what?"

The man sighed.

"The senate and I took action as soon as we heard. The trial starts Wednesday, three days from now."

America smiled, with a little desperation.

"What trial?"

"For kidnapping. Alfred..." The president looked directly at him, "He's getting tried at the United Nations for kidnapping and attempted murder,"

Alfred stopped walking.

"It's for the death penalty."

VvV

Can you say cliff hanger? Yeah boyz! Only one or two more chapters left! Say whhhaaa?


	20. Chapter 19

So we've survived the end of the world. Good job everyone. As a special gift for surviving, I've updated with the final chapters. So enjoy this DOUBLE CHAPTER UPDATE! WHOOOOWWW! Oh, and there will be one final chapter after this for the epilouge (which will be added when I'm not lazy)

I don't own Hetalia

VVVVVVVVV

Section 28; Part G

Trial of Personifications of country's

**Death Penalty**

In extreme circumstances, a personification of a country may be tried with the punishment of death. This can only be the outcome if a majority of countries agree that this is the best possible solution. A large majority vote will only be allowed (At least 70%).

A country can only be tried for the death penalty under specific circumstances that have been decided upon by the United Nations. These acts include:

-A Personification using their power to not only hurt their own civilians, but also the civilians of other countries. This is done if the Personification is acting on their own accord and not of that of their leader. If the Personification is acting on the will of their leader, then the personification is not to blame for any unfortunate circumstances that may arise.

-A Personification using their veto power in order to disregard the will of their leader and citizens in order to start a war that is not based on economic or defensive reason, but solely reasons of passion.

-A Personification attempting Nuclear holocaust.

-A Personification attempting to bring about the annihilation of humanity.

-A Personification kidnapping/taking hold of/imprisoning another personification in times of peace and holding said personification against their will for an extended period of time (At least 6 months). In this case, the victim's mental health and personal trauma as an outcome of the kidnapping/ taking hold of/ imprisoning will also have to be taken into account.

Alfred stared at the document.

"Well. That was extensive."

"Indeed."

"You'd think I'd remember something like that-"

"Well you bloody well _should_ since you helped _write_ the damn thing!"

The American lowered the papers from his face and stared blankly at his former guardian. Said man glared back, his face flushed from anger and panic.

Alfred slowly raised the paper up, then flatly tapped Arthur on the head.

"Stop freaking me out-"

"Well you SHOULD BE-" England sputtered, waving the papers away, "For god's sakes Alfred a nation's LIFE is on the line- don't you care?!"

America put the papers back on the nearby table and looked around the library like setting. They were in the file room of the United Nations building. Deep in the depths of New York, he had invited Arthur to come along to help him find a loophole in this whole mess.

So far his father figure had been less than helpful.

_He's just been going on about death and rules and regulations and trash. What does it matter. What does any of this matter?_

"Dude, just tell them the truth-"

"That's the thing, we _can't_ tell them the truth you idiot! I already told you that."

Alfred sighed.

"Yeah, and I still don't understand. The truth always works-"

"Not in this case. Don't you get it? No one believes in magic anymore! No one is going to honestly believe that you've been a cat this whole time."

"Ugh! Then just demonstrate it to them or whatever! I don't care! This is so annoying bro, I just want to get on with my life."

"You don't get it-"

"No you don't get it man-"

England grabbed America's shirt and pulled him closer, his eyes straining from frustration.

"No you don't GET IT, you IDIOT," He snarled, "Don't you think I've already asked my superiors? Or your superiors? No one believes me. _Everyone_ thinks it's some sick joke. And even if I _did_ somehow do a demonstration, everyone is going to think it's just a sleight of hand. OBVIOUSLY. So NO, it is NOT an option to tell them what REALLY happened!"

"OK! OK! Lay off the SHIRT man!" Alfred pushed the other away, holding his one hand up in a sign of peace while he smoothed out his shirt with the other, "Geez. God you're so dramatic. Fine, whatever. I'll just come up with something." The younger man sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "Why are you freaking out so much anyway? I thought you didn't like Russia."

Arthur proceeded to let out a long, tired sigh and rub the bridge of his nose.

"I don't like him. But that doesn't mean I want to see him killed for something he didn't do."

"Which is also what I'm saying dude. I mean, think about it. How many countries are seriously going to agree on killing a personification. Really? I doubt it man. I think everyone is just making a big deal out of nothing."

"Sir? It's time for your appointment." Both men turned to an agent who entered the room, his face firm and his shoulders broad. Alfred shrugged and grabbed his coat.

"Alfred, listen to me-"

"Yeah, I did, and it didn't help at all-"

"No _listen_," Arthur grabbed the younger nation's arm to hold him back, "_Listen_ to me Alfred. Not only does Ivan have enemies who _do_ want to see him dead, but he's also inadvertently scared the _living hell_ out of every other country out there. Just think about it. They all think that this is a man who captured and held one of the most powerful nations in the world. They're scared it could happen again to any one of them!"

Alfred stared at the other for a long moment.

He then smiled.

"I always knew you thought I was super cool-"

Arthur slapped the words out of the other's mouth. Alfred quickly reached up and touched his cheek, shocked at the sudden violence. Something like a growl escaped from Arthur's throat as he once again grabbed the younger nation, this time by the collar.

"This isn't a f*cking _joke_ Alfred! A man's life is _literally _on the line."

"Did…you just hit me?"

"Sir? We really must go."

Alfred stared blankly into the face of his former guardian. His brows were furrowed, his face red from anger, his hair not quite as soft as it used to be. A bead of sweat ran down the side of his face as he took a shaky breath.

Alfred blinked, then slowly narrowed his own eyes. With only a few thoughts, it was suddenly an explosion inside of his mind, his knee acting of its own accord and making swift contact with Arthur's stomach.

The other spat out, his breath caught in his throat as Alfred quickly slammed his fist into the other's face. Arthur went down hard, his body hitting the ground in only a few seconds.

The American clenched his hands and shook, his legs begging him to kick and beat the older man beneath him.

"You just made me live through hell. You don't _get_ to hit me. Or talk down to me for that matter." He snarled, his hands burning.

Arthur coughed violently and looked up, the anger beaten out of him, instead leaving him with a concerned expression.

"You… you still don't get it-"

"Oh SHUT IT." He cried out, giving the other a hard kick. "All you do is bitch."

"Sir-"

"I _KNOW_!" The American quickly turned on his heel and stormed out, not bothering to look back at the beaten man on the floor. Not even bothering to talk with the agent or ask where he was going.

It didn't matter. None of this mattered. It was all just so dramatic and… pointless.

_Whoever heard of formally killing a personification? No one._

_If we didn't kill Gilbert when we had the chance we sure as hell aren't going to kill Ivan over something as stupid as 'kidnapping' or whatever._

_Besides, I've told everyone it wasn't that big of a deal. He didn't kill me did he? No. So I'm fine._

"It's just not a big deal. I don't know why everyone's pissing their pants."

"So you don't think it should be taken so seriously?"

America blinked at the ceiling fan above him; how it turned slowly and methodically. It was old, tilting slightly to the side as it turned for no reason at all.

It wasn't fanning him, so it wasn't really doing its job ,was it?

And what was up with the bumps on the ceiling?

_I never understood the purpose of that. It's bumpy but you're not supposed to touch it._

He blinked again.

_Unfamiliar. I feel like I've seen a lot of unfamiliar ceilings lately._

_And yes that totally was a reference._

"America?"

_Is she still talking?_

He turned his head to the side and looked at the kind, young woman who sat on a simple chair.

The room was small, with a few bookshelves and lamps. To the right was a large window, overlooking the city and all its madness.

In the distance he could see the statue of liberty.

"What?"

"I asked if you considered the current situation… unimportant." He stared at her, then looked back at the fan, his hands folded on his stomach. His head rested against the couch's arm, his legs kicking slightly over the opposite end.

"Basically. Yeah." He looked back at the woman.

_She's pretty._

"Why am I here?"

The woman smiled.

"I already told you. I just want to get an understanding about how you feel about the situation-"

"You're here to see if I'm crazy or not." Alfred narrowed his eyes, "Is this because I told everyone I was a cat?"

The woman jotted down something on her notepad.

"No. No it's because you've been missing for quite some time."

"Whatever."

_I hope your fan breaks._

"How about we talk about something else then? What do you want to talk about?"

For a moment he thought the fan was going to fall, but instead it did another slow turn, picking up speed slightly before slowing once more.

_If it did fall it might break my leg. That would suck._

"He never took me to the movies," The woman jotted down a few notes as he continued, "I wanted to go and see all the new blockbusters, you know? Like, I wanted to see Captain America and The Avengers… Batman…. dude, there were so many movies I wanted to see. But we never went."

"Do you know why?"

He shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. It just bums me out that he didn't bother to take me out. Like he was embarrassed to be seen with me or something. Which I _guess_ makes sense, but still."

"Did he take you out on other occasions?"

"We went grocery shopping a few times, or he would take me for walks. Don't bother asking though, since I already told you I wasn't in a state that anyone could recognize me."

"Of course." She wrote down a few more notes. Alfred glanced at her and frowned.

"Aren't you finding this conversation weird? I thought you'd be asking me if he like, tortured me and stuff."

The woman smiled and shook her head.

"Nope. I just want to know what you have to say," She twirled her pen and looked up at him, a kind of smirk on her face.

This somehow comforted him. Made him feel as if she also didn't see this as such a big deal.

"So, what did you two do for fun?"

"For fun?" Alfred snorted, "His idea of fun was messed up, man. Like, my idea of fun was- is- playing video games."

"He let you play?"

Alfred chuckled slightly.

"Yeah, after some trolling he finally let me play video games on his laptop. Though he wouldn't buy me a playstation 3 or xBox no matter how hard I begged. Other than that… uh…. I guess we'd just do stupid things. Stupid Russian things that were lame. Like painting. Or going for walks. Or him getting drunk and hitting me. You know, guy things."

"Right," She paused, "Do you like painting?"

"I don't mind it, but I prefer cool art, you know? His was lame. And like, it would be so stupid because I'd try to write him messages and junk and he'd be all 'no communication allowed' and then like, kick me out of the house. It sucked."

"I can imagine."

She jotted down some more notes.

"Besides that, his idea of fun was all messed up. But I think that's because the genuine Russian idea of fun is totally warped. That or like, I'm getting lost in culture shock you know? Like, he would play these crazy games of chasing me around the house and using me for target practice…. and don't even get me started on the whole 'bleeding gums' fiasco."

"Sounds… unpleasant."

Alfred snorted and rubbed his nose.

"Tell me about it. You weren't there, but believe me when I say I'm not going near that guy when he wants to play 'doctor' ever again."

She nodded as he sighed and stretched his arms, hoping this would end soon so he could go home and play his new computer games.

_And hopefully Canada will be there by then._

…

_Then I can begin operation 'Canadian bacon.'_

"Did you two ever talk?"

Alfred sighed and rested his hands once more on his stomach, patting rhythmically to some beat.

"He would talk. _Ugh_ he would talk. For like, hours. It's not like I could talk back though. So I just had to like, sit there while he pet me and junk," He quickly shot her a glare, "Not that I enjoyed that. Write that down. 'Did not enjoy Ivan touching him with his greasy bear hands, even if it was oddly comforting in times of loneliness and distress'. Did you write that?"

She scribbled some more before nodding quickly.

"Yes, I took note of that, don't worry."

"Good. So yeah. I would like, _try_ to talk to him through written messages or weird emails, but either he didn't believe it was me or he would totally freak out and mess with me for trying to communicate with him."

Alfred rubbed his face and groaned, "It was _so_ stupid, you have no idea. That, and the fact that I couldn't talk to anyone else. I almost went _nuts_. That- OH!" Alfred sat up and pointed at the woman, "That, and like, he would bathe me. Like, full on, legit, lather me in soap and wash me- bathe me. And he _enjoyed_ it. Who enjoys that?! Who _DOES _that right? Apparently that guy. We even bathed together a few times," The American shuttered, "I saw his junk. If you want to write that I was traumatized from anything, it was from that."

"I could see that being an unpleasant experience… yes."

Alfred scoffed.

"You don't even know the half of it. I am uncool bathing in small tubs with other dudes. Never mind the fact that he also kept touching me." He sighed dramatically and fell back onto the couch, snatching one of the pillows and hugging it tightly, "Just uncool man. Totally defies the bro code." Alfred glared at the ceiling, "Especially when he touched my junk." He mumbled, not caring if she heard the last part.

The woman nodded while writing some more notes, flipping the page and ending her sentence.

"And yet, you told me before that you don't consider him the 'bad guy' in this situation?"

"What? No!" Alfred flailed his arms, "Even if he is technically a huge douchebag, he's not like the totally evil dude in this situation. If anything its Arthur! That PRICK got me in this whole mess!"

"So you blame your brother, and not Russia?"

"Yeah-no-I mean-ugh you know. I'm just saying," Alfred gave a deep sigh and whined, "I'm fine. Nothing terrible happened. This is just what Ivan and I do. We mess with each other and freak each other out. Besides, in the end he fed me and like, took care of me right? I'm back now. I don't want to press charges. So why's everyone so bent out of shape?"

The woman jotted down some more notes, however this time it took much longer than her usual scribbles. Alfred watched her patiently, silently wishing he could see what she was writing down.

_Probably stuff about Russia not being a huge douche._

_And having traumatizing junk._

…

…_.._

_And now you're imagining the Russian's junk._

America cringed and shut his eyes, trying desperately to think of something else.

_Quick! What's more distracting than Ivan's junk!_

_What was scarred in your brain before that?!_

His brain quickly snatched the first mental image it could find.

That being the time Arthur was blackmailed to dress like a female nurse.

_His legs…they were so hairy-_

"Can I use your trash can? I need to puke my feelings out now."

"One last thing," She continued, ignoring his plea, "Do you miss living with Russia?"

His waves of nausea suddenly left as he tore his eyes away from the beautiful looking garbage can to the dark haired woman before him.

"What?"

"Do you miss living there?"

Alfred snorted.

Then chuckled.

Then laughed at the mere notion of missing living in that horrible, miserable, dark, cold, evil, messed up, crazy, mind numbing, solitary, weird place.

With all its winding hallways.

And all its dark rooms.

And all the weird paintings of ancient tsars.

And all the books that smelt just a little too old.

And all the blood and alcohol stains from previous nights before.

And all the large windows.

And all the warm little places.

Like the closet full of pillows, where he hid for one whole spring afternoon before Ivan found him.

Or the carpet inside the guest bedroom, and how it became like a heating pad by mid-afternoon.

Or the blankets rolled beside the fireplace.

Or the couch, and how-

"You didn't answer my question."

Alfred blinked, coming back to the present small room around him. He glanced around and chuckled again, shrugging, laughing it off.

Like he always did.

Laughing off his sweaty hands and flushed face.

"Like I said lady, it wasn't horrible there. It had its moments."

He smiled.

She smiled back.

And he knew that she must have picked up on what he meant. Must have written it down in her little notes that Ivan wasn't such a bad guy.

Must have realised the truth of the situation.

She let out a long breath and gave a large smile.

"Alright, sir. That's all I really needed to hear."

Alfred's smile grew until he was smiling ear to ear.

"What, seriously? Aw cool dude! Thanks!"

She chuckled.

"No problem. You're free to go."

Alfred jumped up and gave a small salute, quickly snatching up his coat and racing for the door before stopping suddenly. He looked back at her, his smile faltering slightly.

"Uh, what are you going to do with those notes anyway?"

The woman looked up at him and chuckled lightly.

"I need to use them to clear up this whole mess."

America gave a huge sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Aw thank god dude. So like, this is all cool then- cleared up?"

"Yes sir."

"Awesome. Catch you later babe." And with that he was out of there, racing past the agent assigned to pick him up and dashing down the stairs.

If he ran fast enough he could make it to Dairy Queen in no time.

By the time he did make it back home, he had a two hotdogs and a large chocolate milkshake in hand. He gulped down the dogs, asking all the random agents around if his brother had arrived yet (the annoying shy one, not the annoying loud one).

No one had seen him. In fact, they all seemed hell bent on distracting Alfred for some reason or another, giving him all sorts of food and games in order to take his mind off things.

Not to mention how they took his phone and denied him from contacting anyone (especially Russia. At the mere mention of Ivan the agents seemed to have a panic attack and almost broke into a riot, one agent breaking down and sobbing in Alfred's arms).

And so, the American had to be content with spending the night with the CIA and awaiting the day of the trial at the UN headquarters in New York.

America found this kind of annoying. Tony found it hilarious.

"Stop laughing Tony. I've basically been sentenced to solitary confinement for some reason. And I didn't even do anything wrong!"

The small alien pressed x repeatedly, totally owning Alfred at the new Japanese fighting game. Alfred would have been doing better of course, if a certain cat hadn't made it his life goal to nuzzle the crap out of the American. He had resorted to laying on his stomach as the cat purred and rubbed against his face (changing from sitting cross legged, as the cat then would sit in his lap and try to hide in his shirt).

"It's just weird man. And no one has debriefed me on what the hell is going on. I can't even watch the news. This blows. It's like they're hiding something from me, Tony."

Tony tapped his buttons a few more times, somehow causing America's character to explode.

"_Just ask._" Tony mumbled, staring up at Alfred with his big black eyes. Alfred put down his controller and sat up, causing an annoyed whine to come out of Americat. He then picked up his grey, smooth, cold (and kind of clammy) friend, giving his a gentle hug. Americat hissed.

"I missed you Tony."

"_No homo._"

"I missed these moments we share. You're- you're like my best friend Tony!" Alfred sniffled as he looked up at the agents who sat on the other couch, each holding a beer and watching him intently, "Are you happy now?!" He suddenly cried, one agent jumping in his seat.

"W-what?"

Alfred then whined dramatically, squeezing Tony with inhuman strength as Americat mewed and cried beside him, begging for attention. The two agents quickly got up and got on their radios, demanding chocolate milkshakes and fried food frantically in order to ease Alfred's suffering.

But in all honesty, America didn't want the food, or the video games (which even surprised him). It was this weird secrecy. And the agents!

_Seriously?! What do they expect to happen?! I can take a bullet and pull a train behind me. Some guy isn't going to make me feel safe._

But no matter how much he pleaded and begged, the agents stayed.

They even came with him to the UN building, walking all around him like some wall.

"This blows."

"It's for your safety sir."

"Can it kid, before I scratch out your eyes."

The man in sunglasses stared at his nation.

"It's not like you have claws."

"That's what _you_ think-"

"Alfred!" Said American looked up to see the smiling face of his own image, his mirror self almost crying as he ran to the nation, "Alfred! Alfred I was so worried!"

"Mattie!" Alfred cried out, shoving the agents out of his way (more violently than necessary) in order to make room for his brother.

The Canadian ran up to him and, with the force of a freight train, smashed into Alfred with a tremendous hug. Alfred took a step back, barely able to stay on his feet as his twin latched onto him, his right hand clutching his back, his left hand holding his head as if to see if it was real.

America laughed and patted his brother on the back.

"Aw come on Matt, don't be such a girl. You're embarrassing me with the water works man."

His brother sniffed softly into his shoulder and shook, his words coming out in gulps.

"I thought you were dead."

"Yeah, you and half the world."

"I-I was so worried." The Canadian then pulled back slightly in order to look at his brother, "But when I heard the news you were ok, I was so happy."

"Yeah...yeah."

The Canadian sniffed a bit more and rubbed his eyes, an awkward chuckle rising from his throat as America smiled and patted his brother's shoulder. The agents around him each smiled, some wiping their own eyes at the tender moment of brotherly love.

That was broken with Alfred's fist meeting Matthew's face.

"HOLD ME BACK AGENT JOYCE!"

"W-what?-"

"I SAID HOLD ME BACK!" The agent clamored and quickly grabbed a hold of Alfred's arm, a look of confusion on her face.

"Uh- like this?"

The American looked back at the woman and sighed.

"No man, like, you gotta have me in a full nelson. Like you have to _hold me back_. Get it? Kind of like in a bar fight."

"Oh! Oh ok." She then wrapped her arms under his underarms, pulling his back against her chest.

"Yeah. Yeah just like that."

"Ok."

Alfred blushed lightly as he looked back at her.

"And uh, you really gotta hold me against you. Like I gotta feel your body behind me-"

"What? Why-"

"DAMN IT WOMAN DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL THE MAN?!"

Canada held his bleeding nose and looked up at America, a look of confusion on his face.

"W-what was THAT for?!"

Alfred tore his eyes away from the very good looking woman currently holding him, to his bleeding brother.

"What? Oh. Yeah." Alfred cleared his throat, then kicked wildly at Matthew, "That's for selling me out! Ain't no one likes a sell out Matt! NO ONE!"

"What are you even _talking_ about-"

"Don't act all cute and Canadian! With your freakin fresh water and free health care! You sold me out! I know! I was there!" America struggled as he thrashed dramatically, attempting his best to put on a good show.

However, the woman behind him then let go, causing him to suddenly stumble forward and collide into his brother.

Who barely cushioned his fall.

"Ow...Oh what the HELL, Joyce?!"

"You were freaking out! It was hard to hold on!"

America sat up and rubbed his head.

"Oh, whatever!"

"Sir, I can, uh, hold you back if you want."

Alfred glared at the man who raised his hand.

"...Back in line Jack. I know what you're trying to pull."

"Please...get off."

"Quiet you. This is officially your punishment."

America shuffled off of his brother and stood, dusting off his jeans with his hands. Canada also stood, his legs shaking slightly as he tried to make sense of the situation.

"Wh-why did-"

"Matt, we've been over this. Don't make me tell you twice."

"But you-"

"Do you want to meet Mr. Fist again? Because you're asking for a reunion."

"You are as violent as ever I see." A voice broke in, silky and-

"What is this? The Western reunion?" Alfred asked France as the older man chuckled and gave the American and pat on the shoulder.

"I saw you pull in outside. Besides, you are hard to miss with your," France motioned towards the various agents, "ensemble following you about."

Alfred stretched his back slightly.

"Yeah well, you're not too hard to miss either with those flashy pants pal. Not to mention I'm surprised the first thing to come out of your mouth wasn't a blatant sexual innuendo."

France did his usual throaty chuckle (that made anyone's ears feel molested).

"Well if you want mon cheri-"

"Alfred?" The man turned once more to another familiar voice, this one quiet but confident.

"Kiku!" Said Japanese man stopped part way in his jog and gave a quick bow, remembering his manners on greeting others.

Alfred had no such manners however, and so bolted at the shorter nation and pulled him into a bear hug.

Kiku choked.

"F-forgive m-me," He gasped, "I said y-your fi-first name-"

"Aw dude, cut the crap! You know I don't care about that! But I did miss my fav East bestie!"

"T-then why a-are you punishing m-me!" The older man gurgled, his spine almost crushed. Alfred spun him around.

"Because its how I say I LOVE YOU-"

"I KNOW! P-please S-STOP!"

America sighed and let go, spinning Japan onto the floor where he stumbled and grabbed himself. He looked up at the blond, a horrified expression on his face as he tried to catch his breath.

He looked kind of like a beaten up puppy.

Alfred bounced happily.

"Awww, you look like a freaked out homeless guy," He grabbed at the air, "It's so cute! Get over here-"

"NO! No, PLEASE!" Japan cried out, extending his open hands in a stopping motion, "You know how I am with hugging and touching Alfred. It is hard for me-"

"Dude," The American cut him off (like so many other times before), "I haven't seen you in a year. As they say in my home country: Give me some sugar."

Kiku tilted his head, his face still showing fear.

"P-pardon?"

"It means I'm going to hug you so hard your ancestors feel it."

He took a step forward, and almost got away with it, if it hadn't been for the other blond right behind him.

Britain held the back of his shirt.

"Now now, Jones. You'll give the poor man a heart attack."

Alfred pouted.

"Aw come on dude. I'm just playing around."

More nations began to gather, each offering greetings or condolences over his situation. Some gave him quick hugs while others gave him pats on the back (except for Korea, who did his usual thing).

"Surprise!" The Korean yelled, grabbing Alfred's non existing chest. The man glanced behind him.

"Dude, I get it, but again, I don't really have anything going on up top." He stared down at the hands, "Unless like, I was shirtless... but even then."

"Then you do not know my surprise attack," A glint appeared in the Korean's eye as his fingers twitched, "TWIST OF DEATH!"

And with that his index and thumb grabbed ahold of Alfred's nipple, for a moment his thoughts going along the lines of:

_Well yes, I didn't expect him to get fresh with me._

And then the Korean twisted violently, causing the American to scream bloody murder. The dark haired man laughed and leapt off of Alfred, booking it through the crowds with glee as the American cried and held his wounded chest.

"I'LL GET YOU BACK YOU DIRTY BASTARD!" He hollered, the other country now out of sight.

Some of the other counties laughed, America holding his wounded body and pride. A small hand came up and lightly grasped his shoulder.

"I think I can make it better."

Alfred sniffed and looked at the familiar dark haired woman.

"Are you hitting on me? Because that isn't cool. Besides, I have a bone to pick with you." Vietnam shook his shoulder and let go, her arms crossed.

"No hello after all this time?"

"I saw the news. I thought we had an agreement that you weren't going to embarrass me by talking about the more 'private' details of our past relationship?"

The woman shrugged.

"I didn't, I just-"

"Like literally an agreement. Man, you sighed a freakin form! I was there! It's LEGAL."

She shrugged again and smiled.

"Fine. What was the agreed fine? I believe it was mon-"

"Uh," Alfred crossed his own arms and whistled, looking off, "I don't know, something about like, hot tubs and mud wrestling."

She uncrossed her arms.

"Really-"

"Hey, I don't write the rules babe! I just enforce them!"

A light chiming echoed throughout the corridor, signaling the beginning of the meeting. The surrounding nations immediately began to walk away, each towards the entrances to the main theater. Vietnam waved slightly.

"Well I'll be going too-"

"What? Running away? Where's your brother at anyway?"

She chuckled and leaned in to touch his arm.

"Good luck Alfred. I know this must be hard for you," She hesitated before leaning up and giving him a quick peck on the cheek, "I'm glad you're ok."

He blushed and gently touched his cheek, watching as she bowed her head and walked after the others. He put his other hand on his hip.

"That'll be another penalty you know!"

The British man behind him pushed his back and gave him a hard look.

"Enough with the fooling around Alfred. You have plan right? What did you and your government decide to do?"

"Uh-"

"Nevermind. I have to go in. Good luck with your plan, I hope it goes smoothly."

And with that the older man walked away, leaving Alfred alone.

Again.

"Yeah. Plan."

VVVVVVV

Click that 'next chapter' button bro. Go for it. It's right there.


	21. Chapter 20

Drama! Intense! Sorry if these ending chapters aren't as funny, but I thought I'd get all serious.

I don't own Hetalia

VVVVVVVVVVV

The room was one of the largest America had ever been in, though he had sat in it many times before. In a great crescent was part of the room, with more than a hundred levels, each holding a certain amount of chairs and desks with different country's name tags on the front. There were many country's sitting in the room, those who were able to take time out of their schedule in order to be present for the meeting. In the majority of the other empty desks sat computers, each connected to their country who could not make it in person to such an important event.

Alfred looked around the room, spotting familiar faces as he went. To the left sat Britain, the far right Lithuania. Mexico waved lightly from her seat, Japan nodding to him from his.

But not a single person was the one he was looking for.

Quickly searching for.

So he could say something, or motion something, or even just make some kind of contact with, so he could ease his mind. So he could see that stupid smile that told him that this was all just a joke, just a waste of time. That everything was under control.

It was just a game.

America sighed loudly as he walked in front of the desks and chairs towards the stage. Right in front sat two desks, each with two chairs, their backs to the crowd. Alfred leaned against the right table and looked back, expecting to see his little parade with him.

However, only one suited man followed him in, quickly seating himself and motioning for Alfred to follow. The American shrugged and sat down, leaning back in the chair.

"Who are you, my lawyer?"

"Sure. Let's go with that."

Alfred stared in a bored manner at the man and yawned, stretching his arms behind him.

"Mind telling me the game plan? Or how this is gonna roll? Or something?"

"The original plan was to have you stay home so you could feel better sir, however the council overruled our government's wishes and demanded that you come."

"So...I'm just taking up space?"

"Just leave everything to me sir. This will all be sorted out soon. You just have to sit there and look pretty."

Alfred laughed and hit the table, a bright smile on his face.

"THAT I can DO!"

The other man smiled back.

"Glad to hear it."

A door to the side of the stage opened, allowing three people to walk out onto the stage. Alfred first noted that they were all humans, not nations. Second, he noticed that not a single one wore any kind of 'judges' uniform.

The lead woman sat down at the desk positioned center stage, facing the rest of the audience. The two men then sat at either ends of her.

He also noticed how incredibly serious all three looked.

_Lord help me._

"Good afternoon," The woman began, a light Egyptian accent on her tongue, "We will now begin. As voted upon yesterday at 4:30PM New York time, this meeting shall be conducted entirely in English. Are there any objections to this?"

The room was silent, save for the light clicking away of a keyboard. Alfred turned in his seat to spot a man typing down what was being said.

_So it really is like a trial. Come to think of it, where's the media?_

"Very well." America looked back at the woman as she held up some papers on the table in order to read, "We will begin. Will the Russian Federation please enter the room."

The sound of heavy doors opening echoed throughout the room. Alfred spun around in his chair to see the familiar man walk swiftly into the room, a blank expression on his face.

Trotting behind him was a small woman, a large briefcase at her side. America laughed and waved at the large man.

"Yo dude. I haven't seen you in days. You show up drunk or what?"

But instead of smiling (in a totally creepy ass way) or giving some kind of insult, Russia just sat down, his eyes fixed on the front.

He didn't even look at America.

Alfred rolled his eyes.

"Don't tell me you're all caught up in this too man."

The woman sat down beside him and opened her briefcase. Alfred sighed dramatically and leaned back in his chair.

"This is going to be so _BORING_!"

"United States of America, though you are allowed to speak when you wish, I would like to kindly ask that you keep all statements that don't regard this case to yourself."

Alfred looked up at the woman, then stared back at the various nations looking directly at him.

He looked back at her.

"I want to say sorry, however, I would like to also remind you that as a nation, I am allowed to express any opinion I have on any matter. Unless the rules have changed? Because the last time I was here I totally got in an epic pistol whipping battle with Braginski over Georgia," Alfred shot a look at Russia, "In which he totally cried like a little bitch."

Ivan remained neutral and stared straight ahead.

Alfred narrowed his eyes.

_So that's how it is. Fine. I know this game. You ignore me until I make a total ass of myself, then you suddenly act like the old you and jump in on mocking me. Well no sir, You aren't going to win this time._

America felt a tug on his shoulder as he was pushed back in his seat by his kind-of-lawyer. The nation glared, but decided to cross his arms instead of causing a fuss.

If everyone wanted to be stupid and serious and all freaky then .

He closed his eyes.

_I'll just sleep through this then._

"We all know why we are here, so we will begin without a debriefing. United States of America, would you like to begin with your opening statement?"

Alfred opened his eyes and sighed, about to stand when he was pushed back down by his citizen.

"Hey-"

"The government of the United States of America would like to overrule all statements and expressions given by the personification of the United States of America, Alfred F. Jones, on the issue of his disappearance and living with the Russian Federation's personification, Ivan Braginski."

Alfred blinked.

Then tilted his head.

"On what ground?" The woman asked. The American lawyer adjusted his tie.

"You will find on page 5 of your report a thorough psychological analysis conducted on Alfred F. Jones yesterday. The medical professional has concluded that he is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and thus cannot accurately testify or represent himself."

Alfred glared at the man

"Are you calling me _crazy_?"

"The United States government further wishes to then represent Alfred F. Jones on his behalf-"

"BULLCRAP! I didn't agree to this! Yo! Judge lady! I didn't give the ok for this!"

The woman across from him sighed slightly.

"I am not a judge , I merely help to lead the trial and discussions. I have no actual power in this situation."

Alfred stood.

"Then who the hell am I to talk to?"

"Them."

America turned around to his fellow nations, who all stared back. He scoffed.

"You're kidding right?"

Mongolia raised his hand.

"Mongolia. You have the floor." The woman spoke, said nation clearing his throat.

"I believe that if a trained, medical professional thinks that America cannot represent himself, then I agree that his government should represent him in his place."

Murmuring broke out throughout the room.

Another hand came up, then another, and then another.

"Yes, Haiti-"

"We cannot disregard everything America says though. What one professional says could be wrong-"

"But just look how he acted when Russia came in-"

"That's how he ALWAYS acts!"

"ORDER! Please! Speaking out of line is discouraged in this room-"

The American then watched as the discussions and arguments exploded throughout the room. He couldn't keep up. Everyone was talking at once, and in so many languages-

"Even the reports say he's totally lost it-"

"Countries don't experience human mental disabilities-"

"It's just brainwashing! I TOLD YOU-"

"QUIET!" All heads turned to the familiar voice, the one that always seemed to bring order to the situation. Germany stared around at the rest of the nations, his hands placed firmly on the desk. He gave a rough sigh, then stood straight, his eyes looking everywhere but America.

"Though I agree America should have the right to speak for himself, I don't think we should disregard the obvious fact that a year of trauma could have warped his mind. When my bruder came home, he was not the same man as before; as I doubt Alfred is."

The nations whispered and mumbled as he continued, looking at his brother.

Alfred looked towards Gilbert also, who seemed uncharacteristically small, like he didn't want to be seen. He stared off to nowhere, attempting to look bored.

"Gilbert lived with Russia for a longer period of time, and he also displayed empathy towards his captor." There was a pause, "And he still does-"

"OH COME ON!" Gilbert yelled, throwing his hands in the air and then face planting onto the table, his arms covering his head. Gilbird chirped happily inside his pocket.

Alfred crossed his arms and looked towards the woman at the front.

"You can't take my freedom of speech lady. Ya'll gonna make me lose my mind up in here."

"Yes. Britain." Alfred whipped his head around to Arthur, who stood awkwardly.

"Well, I was wondering if we could perhaps know what it was that made the...medical professional think that America is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome in the first place?"

There was a murmur of agreement as the American agent turned to the crowd.

"Mr. Jones expressed sympathy and a general caring towards , even after admitting to physical, mental and sexual abuse-"

The room exploded in noise. Ivan slowly lowered his face into his hand.

"WHOA WHOA! HOLD IT!" The room quieted down as Alfred stood and waved frantically, "There was _NO_ sexual- It wasn't like that!-"

"Quote: 'That and like, he would bathe me. Like, full on, legit, lather me in soap and wash me- bathe me. And he enjoyed it.' End quote. Further on it also mentions how the two of you bathed together, and how this traumatised you. You even asked for it to be specially noted that you were traumatised."

Ivan slammed his face into the desk as Alfred went beet red, his hands waving in front of him frantically.

"L-listen! That's not what it _sounds_ like! Like- like- it's ok! I was just jokin' around! We were screwing around!"

The room got louder.

"NOT THAT KIND OF SCREWING AROUND-"

"I say we kill him now!" Someone screamed in the back, causing more nations to jump and shout. Alfred laughed nervously as he grabbed the nearest mic.

"Listen- listen just chill out people! It's not- shut up! It's not weird for two dudes to bathe together! Japan and I do it all the time!"

"Were you naked?" Turkey yelled. Alfred swallowed and pulled at the collar of his shirt.

When did it get so hot?

"Uh...technically, yes-"

"I KNEW IT-"

"Now- hey! What we do in our own time is our own business!"

Ukraine hit the desk happily.

"Ah~! I knew it! So that's how it was! You wanted to-"

"Hold your horses babe, I ain't saying I _wanted_ to ok?"

The commotion continued in the room, each country having a say, and looking at Alfred and then Ivan and then Alfred and then Ivan and then-

"It ain't LIKE THAT! I TOLD YOU PEOPLE! I didn't want to- listen he MADE me do it! I didn't want to be naked! I didn't want a stupid bath! But oh no-no we have to bath the stupid animal don't we?!" The room quieted down, "And then I was all 'dude! Back off!' and he was all 'come here little one' and then just-UGH! Then I saw his junk and it was _HORRIBLE!_ Why are you people making me relive this?"

The room was quiet.

Alfred let out a deep breath and looked back at Ivan, who had a horrified expression on his face. Alfred frowned.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

The woman shuffled her papers.

"Are you satisfied, United Kingdom?"

Britain swallowed and sat back down.

"Y-yes."

"Fine. Then we shall vote. All those in favour of the United States government representing Alfred F. Jones on his behalf please choose A. Those who wish for Alfred F. Jones to represent himself, along with his government, please press B."

There was silence as each country clicked the buttons provided on the table. After a long minute the woman looked down at her phone, then nodded.

"Then we have decided. 73% believe that Alfred F. Jones should represent himself along with his government."

Alfred sighed and turned around, looking at the closest nation to him, South Italy.

"Phew. Dodged that bullet. Thanks man."

South Italy snorted.

"Don't thank me, I voted against it, moron."

Alfred blinked. Then growled.

"Why you-"

"Then, let us also have the opening statement of the Russian Federation. , would you please stand."

Ivan stood and cleared his throat, his arms firm at his side, his back straight and tall.

"I stand by my previous statement given prior to this meeting. Alfred F. Jones did not live in my house for the past year-" voices broke out around the room as he continued, "My government can tell you that they searched my house and did not find him. It was only four days ago when he-"

"LIAR!" Someone cried out, other voices joining in.

Ivan remained neutral though, his stance firm.

"It was only then that he appeared in my house and was found. I do not know how he got into my house or why, what I do know is that he was not with me prior to that incident."

The different voices continued to grow as the woman at the front nodded.

"Is this your statement Mr. Braginski."

"Yes."

"Then we shall open the floor to questioning-"

Among the commotion a hand raised up. The woman pointed towards the crowd.

"Yes. Laos. You have the floor."

"Russia, if you are true, then why is America saying he was with you?"

"Because America lives in a fantasy world, we all know that." China called out, his arms crossed as he observed the chaos around him.

Ivan adjusted his scarf.

"I do not know why he is saying these things. I only know that he is lying," And then Ivan finally looked at him- looked directly at Alfred.

And Alfred smiled at him, one of those goofy smiles that he always gave people.

He was even going to wink, in a mischievous way, as if to show that it was all just a joke. Just another weird chapter in their lives.

But Ivan cut him off.

"Possibly in some twisted plot-"

"What?!" Alfred asked as Ivan continued, his voice growling.

"I never dreamed you would go this far."

Alfred stood once more amongst the chaos in the background.

"Dude, I don't want to _kill _you!"

"Really? Then why am I here?" Ivan motioned to the room, then looked back at Alfred, "Then what is this?"

"This?" Alfred looked around, looked at the various nations yelling and arguing with one another. He noticed how no one actually cared enough to look center stage, "This- this isn't my fault man! I didn't want this! I just-"He looked back at Ivan, whose face wasn't just cold. Or even angry. It was so full of negative energy that it hurt to look at.

Alfred wanted to shake it away. Wanted to rip it off his face so he could find the one he always saw, always looked at. That stupid face with that stupid creepy smile with his stupid, carefree attitude-

"You what? You what Alfred?!" Ivan roared, motioning violently towards the crowd, "You leave for a year for god knows where, and then you show up in my house and expect everything to be fine?! Expect things to be normal?! What did you think would happen?! What did you think they would say about me?!" He clenched his fists, his face contorted, "I always knew you hated me, but enough to destroy myself and my reputation? With something I didn't do?" He shook his head, "You're worse than I thought-"

"No! No listen! It ain't like that!" Alfred moved away from his desk, the chair screeching violently against the floor as he pushed away from it. He waved his hands and laughed, his mind panicking at the growing chaos around him.

To his left the nations fought, the situation boiling to the edge of reason. They screamed and spat and swore.

But Alfred just laughed and shook his head, his breaths quick.

"You don't understand dude. I'm not lying, and I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't think this would happen. Hell, I didn't know this could happen! I just-"

"Just what?" And then the anger started to fade, just a little. It began to melt away, revealing that hurt face, that pathetic face Alfred hadn't seen since the 90's.

When Ivan had fallen. When he lost everything.

And Alfred had been standing there, wanting to smile, but unable to bring himself to do so.

Because Ivan had just been so small.

Like he was now.

"Listen…dude-"

"I was worried about you." The taller man blinked and looked away, "I thought maybe something had happened like…and when I thought I might not see you again…" Ivan held onto the table, allowing it to support his weight as he looked down at the floor, thinking.

And listening.

Before his eyes changed again, as if coming to a sudden realisation. And then he looked up at Alfred, and that look in his eyes-

"No-no! No! Don't give me that look man!"

"But I was wrong."

"No! No listen man! It isn't like that! This- all this- it's just- it's what it always is! It's just a game man!"

The look intensified.

"You think this is a game?-"

"It's always a game with us man! That's what we do! That game we play! How we always one up each other! How I'm always trying to get you to like, freak out or something, and it always backfires! And how you get me all worked up! Or those insults we say to each other- it's just that! It's just the game! It's what we do-"

"Look around you Jones!" Alfred looked up at the chaotic crowd. At the confusion and anger above him, "If this is a game, then you win."

"I don't want to win!"

Ivan laughed bitterly, and then looked back at him with that look-

That face-

With its disgust and confusion and utter _hatred_-

"Just STOP IT!" Alfred cried, lunging forward before getting pulled back, someone behind him holding him back, "That look! You don't get to GIVE that look! Not to me! After EVERYTHING I've done for you!-"

"Like WHAT?!-"

"Everything we _did_! You don't get to LOOK at me like _THAT_!" Alfred pulled harder, a soft voice asking him to stop from behind, "Not like that! Out of all the people you can't give ME that look! I don't deserve it!" His voice cracked, his eyes straining but refusing to humiliate him, "You don't know what it was like for me! How lonely I was when you were _right there_! And then- and then-"

Ivan hit the table.

"What are you _talking about_?!"

"You! The things we did! How it sucked but it was also kind of…THAT'S WHY! That's why you can't LOOK at me like that!"

"How do you _want_ me to look at you when you're trying to _kill_ me?!"

"I don't want you to die!"

"Then tell them what happened!"

"I did-"

"TELL THEM!"

Alfred's ears rung violently from the noise-

No wait-

From the lack of noise.

_When did the room become so quiet?_

Alfred looked back at the crowd to see a thousand faces staring back.

He swallowed hard and relaxed, the man behind him slowly letting him go.

After a moment Alfred turned, facing his mirror reflection once more.

The twin gave a painful smile.

"You… should just say what happened."

Very slowly Alfred shook his head, his voice low.

"I can't. No one believes me."

"They will. That's the great thing about telling the truth."

Alfred looked up once more at the crowd, the faces. His friends and enemies.

He blinked slowly and gave a small shrug, his throat suddenly dry.

Because what do you say? Where do you begin with something like this? With a story so long?

And wasn't Arthur right? No one would believe something so absurd.

_But what did Matt say?_

_The truth….huh._

_The truth is…_

"The truth is that," Alfred rubbed his arm, trying to form the words, "When… I guess a while ago, I wasn't really… myself."

He looked back up. The room was still silent. Their stares burning into his skull.

"I…uh, I wasn't really… I was lost. I guess you could say I was out of sorts. I left Britain's house and then just, found myself on the streets of Moscow. Somehow." Alfred glared up at Arthur, who looked away, "I guess you could say someone must have had it out for me. Either way, something happened to me. I don't know how, and I don't care why anymore, but somehow I found myself different than before. I was…unrecognisable. I was different. So different that when I first saw myself in the mirror I didn't believe it for myself. I thought I was dreaming. But then slowly, I started to accept that, for whatever reason, I was different now. And that's when Ivan found me."

A few whispers started, and Alfred stared directly at them in order to stop the fire.

"No, didn't take me, found me. And he didn't even know it was me. For all he knew I was just some stupid... it doesn't matter. He picked me up and took me home. He took care of me. It was dumb, and honestly it really sucked at first because Ivan is like, the worst caretaker ever, but…after awhile it was ok. He didn't starve me-"

_Often._

"-And he didn't hit me-"

_Without reason._

"-and he didn't do any weird touching-"

_Of the sexual variety._

"-He was just himself. Ivan. Taking care of some stupid kid. So yeah, that's what happened. He didn't even know it was me until I managed to change back four days ago. Which is why he freaked out and denied knowing I was there. So yeah. That's it. That's what happened."

The nations continued to stare, this time their faces changing. Some of concern, others of confusion.

A few in anger.

"Alfred," Matthew muttered, his voice low and shy, "I think… you should really-"

"But that _is_ what happened. What?" Alfred glared at the crowd, "You people don't believe me?"

"Alfred, how could he not know it was you?" Japan asked, his eyes never leaving Russia. Russia stared back.

"He just didn't ok-"

"And why didn't you tell him it was you-" France called.

"He didn't believe me-"

"And why didn't you try to tell any of us-"

"I DID but you didn't BELIEVE me EITHER-"

"And then why-"

"LISTEN!" Alfred spat, his hands clenching into fists, "Why don't you people listen to me? Honestly, what do I GET from lying? Think about it? What do I _get_ from making up this WHOLE damn thing and defending him?! What's in it for me?! Did any of you think about that?!"

"Then why _are_ you defending him?" The woman asked from up front. Her voice somehow not as loud as the rest. Her words far away.

"Because-because- you know! Because!"

"Why?" The room seemed to ask.

"Because, because it's Ivan. Because it's him." Alfred motioned towards the taller man, his face tired and frustrated-

But also sad. Like he was far away.

"I mean, wouldn't you defend someone who- who is…you know. A person who, like…" He lifted his hands and moved them, but even they confused him. Somehow they couldn't portray the message he was trying to say.

So instead his throat just burned as he tried to spit it out, these words that he couldn't understand.

"He's like, he's…what he did for me-"

"What did he do for you?"

"And then, in turn-"

"What did you do for him?"

Because wasn't that the question?

_Isn't that always the question? What do we do for each other? _

Alfred looked down at his hands, then back at Ivan.

'What is he to you?'

_What is he to me?_

How do you define something that was built on hatred and grew into-

_What? What is it? What do we have?_

Because all the memories that he could quickly snatch and pull back weren't technically warm, or comforting, or friendly.

They were images and pictures of torment.

All the little threats, the heated discussions, and infuriating arguments.

The victory over the Soviet Union-

_Before that._

The fear of nuclear war, and the blazing hatred of anything even remotely close to Braginski-

_Before that too._

The humiliation of Vietnam.

_Further back._

The confusion in Korea.

And before that, the sly remarks over Leningrad. The empty promises of aid. The numbing cold.

The radio and its reports of revolution.

That blank look on Ivan's face and Alfred's intervention over Japan.

That conference in Europe.

His trip overseas.

Until he was at that first time, the first time they had ever met. And Ivan had looked like a monster of a man, far too tall and large to be human.

And how Alfred had felt so small, his feet only recently holding him up all on his own. Since he had pulled away from Britain. His hands so strained from the war of no invading force, but that of his own people.

Ivan had just stared at him, observing him, sizing him up. And Alfred had stared directly into his eyes.

And then Ivan had smiled, the first Alfred had seen, and weighed his heavy hand on Alfred's shoulder and said:

"You are different from the others. I can tell, yes?"

"Don't touch me."

Ivan laughed and shook Alfred slightly.

"I was told of this fire of spirit that defeated Britain, though I cannot tell if it is because of courage or simple stupidity." And with that he walks on, leaving Alfred with the other naval staff.

And Alfred glares and sighs:

"I don't like him."

The human smiles at him.

"Really? Because he likes you."

_Of course he does. Isn't that why he's always pushing me? Always begging for attention with his weird jokes and insults hidden by compliments?_

The nation twirled his hands once more, his mind dragging his screaming psych back to the present. Where the world watched and listened.

"I don't like Ivan." He told himself, his voice echoing through the quiet hall. "He's cruel to me. He always pushes my buttons and knows just what to say to make me feel like a miserable human being. Everything that I'm insecure about he mocks, and the times I am able to fight back he hits me. It feels like I'm always at war with him. I never have any peace. But-"

_And yet..._

"That's the thing that Ivan and I do to each other. We hurt each other. I don't know if it's out of some weird insecurities, or if we're just naturally violent people, but it's what we've always done. And I don't, I don't hate that." Alfred shook his head, "It makes me kind of happy. In a weird, messed up way, I enjoy it. I can't do this with anyone else. No one else understands. It's like, through these pointless fights and threats we bond. It's how we get closer."

Alfred wrung his hands, his eyes now just staring down at himself, deep in thought-

Because if he looked up he would lose this-

"I've always sought attention. I've always wanted people around me. And I do, I have people. I have friends. But- they're not really there. All these people look at me without really _looking_ at me. It's like they ignore all the dark and dirty things about me- they're ignoring a part of me. I hate those things, that part of me, but it's still me. You can't just see one part of who I am. But he doesn't do that."

The hands that were once clenched in fists slowly released, the Russian's face softening.

And curious to listen to the surprisingly familiar words-

"When he looks at me, he _LOOKS_ at me. Ivan doesn't ignore that. He doesn't _ignore _me. When Ivan talks to me, he talks to who I REALLY am. All these other people ignore me! But he doesn't do that. He doesn't IGNORE me!"

He raised his eyes to the crowd.

"Because the worst thing you can do to someone isn't to hate them, but ignore them. And that man," Alfred pointed towards Russia, who looked different than before.

His face no longer holding anger, or hatred, of fear.

But shock.

And realization.

"He's _never_ ignored me. Not once."

The crowd was silent, before bursting with noise once more.

But not at Alfred's speech and words.

But at the Russian stepping forward,

and in just a few strides suddenly pulling the shorter blond close, so close he might disappear into the familiar scarf and suit jacket.

Alfred blinked in shock, his hands not knowing what to do with themselves as the other held the back of his head and squeezed, his breath hot and choked-

"Little one, you _are_ full of surprises."

And with that a familiar bubble began to form in Alfred's stomach. And it grew and and built until it ran up his throat, his mouth vomiting out the laughter.

That familiar laughter.

Because he had to laugh at something as stupid as his sweaty hands and flushed face.

At the fact that he was standing in front of the world while being crushed to death in the most intense hug he had ever felt.

And at the familiar scent of blood and alcohol, and how he found it comforting.

And at that stupid man holding him, that guy who had caused him so much torment over the past year. And his usual stupid smile and hidden compliments, and his eyes that just-

"Please, Alfred, please don't cry."

The shorter man tried to swallow, tried to breath, but the spit and tears refused to be pushed away.

So instead he just pushed his face further into the familiar fabric, his wails echoing throughout the theater.

He tried to talk. He tried to reason, but he couldn't.

His fingers strained as they clutched the fabric hiding the strong back, his body wracked with sobs.

_Is there anything so humiliating?_

"Shhh. It is ok little one. I am here now. I am sorry I did not realize before, but you must admit, this whole situation is rather...absurd." He chuckled lightly.

The America managed to swallow somehow, his breathing erratic as he suddenly turned to the crowd.

"_I'LL KILL YOU! YOU KILL HIM AND I'LL-_"

"Alfred! Alfred please!" Ivan laughed, pulling the shorter man away. He then cupped the other's face in his hands, the tears flowing down and wetting his hands as the younger nation continued to cry.

"Honestly Alfred, how do you expect me to humiliate you if you are doing it so well by yourself?"

The other let out another wail, as if that would express his feelings, his hands straining a death grip on Ivan's wrists.

Ivan laughed and shook his head, kissing the top of Alfred's hair before nuzzling his face into the familiar blond locks.

And he continued to laugh, swaying the other slightly in an odd dance.

"You kill me! You really do! Just look at yourself!" He pulled away in order to get a good look, a genuine smile smothering his face as he looked at the broken man before him, "I wish I had a camera! A kodak moment!"

"Y-YOU'RE SUCH AN _ASSHOLE_!" Alfred screamed, his hands shaking Ivan's as the Russian laughed harder, "I-I'M TRYING T-TO S-SAVE YO-YOU'RE D-D-DRUNK AS-ASS AND Y-"

"No, don't! You're killing me!" The Russian cried, small tears etching at the corner of his eyes. His laughter so strong that it caused a few to fall. Alfred let go of the other and threw his own hands in the air, Ivan crying out happily and pulling him once more into a crushing hug.

"LET G-GO OF ME!"

"Oh my little dear~!"

"I TAKE I-IT BACK! I HA-HATE YOU!"

"You love me! You love me!" Ivan cried, twirling the other around as the American screamed.

And so was the image to the world.

Alfred in tears of fear and passion.

Ivan in tears of laughter.

VVVV

...

Any good? Let me know! I don't know if I wrote the climax well enough! It still feels kind of forced! Either way there will be a bonus chapter added later. But for now, thanks to everyone who's been with me reading this for these past few years! You've all been great and have given me some awesome feedback! And hey, any ideas for a sequal? I'm open to suggestions. And like always, if you liked this then check out my other story 'He's my roomate' (which yes is spelled wrong and I need to fix).

Have a good day guys. And thanks again. This has been so fun to write :D


	22. Epilogue

IT'S BEEN A YEAR. IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE THE LAST UPDATE HOLY MOTHER OF- UUGGGHHHH- ok here. I have an epilogue. Since I know I couldn't just end it the way I did. It's short but...I hope you enjoy it. And thank you to the people who have given me suggestions for a sequel. I have been thinking about it. It's just hard because I want to finish my other story but I've been in other fandoms lately (Don't Starve, Portal, Ace Attorney...) But yeah. I hope you guys like it. Let me know. Lovveee yyoouuu

I don't own Hetalia

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Meow meow."

"Cool your jets we're already here."

"Meow…meow meow me? Meow?"

"No… No you can't do that. I told you that's illegal here-" Ivan opened the front door, a scowl on his face as he looked at his house guest.

"You are late. By two hours-"

"Yeah yeah, don't get your panties in a bunch," Alfred sighed, shoving his bag at Ivan and walking in, Americat following closely behind, "There was traffic and I have wicked jet lag."

"Take off your shoes."

Alfred ignored him as he walked into the familiar house.

"Wow, new couch much? What, did you really hate the old one that much? I thought it was nice."

"Your shoes. Now."

"And what- aw WHAT?! Oh so NOW you get a playstation? Oh so NOW you care- AND it's not even the NEW ONE. What's WRONG WITH-"

Alfred was interrupted as his bag collided violently with his face. His body fell over, his heavy bag making a loud thump on the ground beside him. He held his wounded nose and withered on the floor. "Oh WHAT the HELL IVAN-"

The Russian smiled brightly and grabbed the younger nation's foot.

"Your shoes. They are on. In my clean house. I have killed-"

"Yeah YEAH! Killed men for LESS." Alfred kicked his foot out of the older nation's grasp,"I get it! For the love of- I immediately regret agreeing to this little social gathering." Ivan made another move to grab Alfred's foot but the American kicked violently. "I can take off my own SHOES bro! I'm not a CHILD." Ivan blinked then let out a small sigh before bending down and snatching America's foot once more. Alfred kicked again but Ivan's grip tightened, his fingers delicately undoing the laces of the shoe. He quickly removed it and dropped the shoe to the floor. Alfred sat up on his elbows and glared. "Good job. Good. Are you happy now? Can you remove your yeti death grip from my ankle?"

Ivan giggled.

Then tickled Alfred's foot.

The younger nation let out a squeal and kicked madly, Ivan laughing loudly and continuing to tickle the poor foot.

This continued for a while. Alfred kicking and crying with laughter and pure white rage, Ivan laughing and getting kicked in the teeth a few times. By the time it ended Alfred was curled up on the new couch, a warm quilt over his humiliated body. Ivan stood in front of him, a hot chocolate in hand.

"Do not be like this dear."

"I've been violated. I just- oh god…" Alfred pulled the quilt over his eyes and let out a small sob. Ivan sighed and brought the drink to his lips before bringing it down.

"Every man gets tickled by another man at some point in their lives. It is what separates us from the dogs."

"That doesn't even make sense. This is insane. You're insane. Why did I come back to this hell hole."

"Stockholm syndrome." Alfred sniffled a bit more and pulled the quilt closer.

"And I don't even know where fluffy is. I'm just glad he wasn't there to see daddy being humiliated by a 300 pound Russian man." Ivan looked around.

"The last I saw him, his tail was being attacked by my little koshka."

"Like father like son." Alfred cried out, his body shuddering. Ivan let out another sigh.

"Do you want this hot chocolate or not?"

"No. No I don't want your filthy Soviet chocolate." Ivan waited a few moments. Any minute now Alfred would-

The American peeked out from under the covers.

"Alfred, would you like some hot chocolate?"

The American paused then nodded slowly. Ivan handed the cup to the younger nation as Alfred sat up and sniffled. He brought it to his lips and paused.

"Wait, you didn't spit it in or anything did you?" Ivan smiled brightly.

"Of course not."

"Ok good." And with that Alfred took a deep sip, the warmth spreading through his body. Ivan giggled and walked over to the kitchen, "So what's for dinner?"

"Stew."

"Oh…ok-"

"With lots of beer-"

"Great." Alfred got on his knees and turned around on the couch, his elbows leaning on the top of the furniture.

The house was pretty much the same since he last saw it a few months ago. He was a little surprised. Not that Ivan needed to change the furniture but Alfred thought the older nation had been advised to change things.

Since everything seemed to bring back memories.

Two months had passed since their awkward moment in front of the entire world. Alfred denied crying like a hysterical 16 year old girl but it was hard due to the vast amount of footage showing otherwise. But in the end it had been worth it. It was his tears that kept Ivan from getting the worst verdict. Instead he was sentenced to do extra work at the UN and speak weekly to a psychologist and a Nation's Specialist.

At first Alfred thought it was a fairly good decision. It couldn't hurt for Ivan to see a psychologist. Turns out it could hurt the psychologist, who had to go to therapy himself after a few sessions with Ivan.

So now he spoke weekly to a board of super high up psychologists. So far it was ok (though Alfred had his doubts… and fears).

As for the American he had handled the last two months alright. Aside from the night terrors and the waking up screaming. And the 'needing someone to pet his head and tell him he was pretty for emotional support'. But he had hired someone for that so that was good. And Alfred was allowed to see Ivan every three weeks as it was determined good for his mental health.

Alfred objected to that last point.

"Mmmmrrrreeeeeewww." He looked down at his very angry cat who sulked by, a very happy Russiacat purring and following behind. America frowned.

"Well buddy, at least he hasn't tried to establish dominance over you." Americat looked up with a sad, humiliated expression.

Alfred gave a horrified look.

"Oh god…"

"Jones, could you please get the bread?" Ivan sang. America swallowed harshly and stood up, walking slowly to the kitchen. He quickly got the large loaf of bread and the cutting board knowing instinctually where they were. Ivan sighed happily.

"Is like old times. You and me in the kitchen."

"Just don't bathe me in the sink."

"Sometimes I miss it. Then I remember how I had to buy $30,000 worth of new electronics and I start to miss it less."

Alfred took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"Yeah well, I start to miss it before I remember you touching me all over the place and I start to miss it a little less too. Especially the hot wax thing… and the target practice… and the seeing you naked." He shuttered.

Ivan stopped stirring the soup and paused, his body motionless to the comment. He then looked over at Alfred, his expression suddenly very calm and serious. He took a light breath.

"Alfred?"

Alfred took a light breath of his own. His hands turned clammy as he looked away, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Uh... y-yeah."

Ivan brought his hands up and placed them on Alfred's shoulders, his hands heavy and warm. Alfred gripped his drink and brought it up to his face, almost hiding behind it. His face became warm as he looked into Ivan's eyes which had become very intense.

"I need to be honest with you."

"O-ok."

Alfred took a nervous sip of his hot chocolate as Ivan leaned closer.

"I spat in your hot chocolate."

Alfred spat the liquid out of his mouth and incidentally all over Ivan's face. The older nation closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose. He then lifted up a hand from Alfred's shoulders and wiped his eyes, a calm look spreading over his face. He exhaled loudly from his nose.

"That was immature Alfred."

"No. This is immature." Then Alfred took another sip of his hot chocolate and spat it in Ivan's face once more.

Ivan slapped him in the face.

Alfred kicked him in the shin.

Ivan began choking him and so on. And that was why getting dinner set up, which should have taken 2 minutes, took an hour. Finally Ivan and Alfred sat at the table, their bruised and broken bodies hovering over their stew and alcohol.

"You kick like a mule." Ivan mused, his left hand gingerly holding his broken ribs.

"An' 'ou 'id 'ike a 'heigh 'rain." Alfred gurgled as he wiggled and tore a loose tooth out. He pulled the tooth in front of him and examined it quickly. He then shrugged and put in on the table. It would grow back.

Ivan reached across the table and took the tooth, placing it happily in his pocket. He gave a small grin.

"A souvenir."

"You're a freak."

And so they continued eating.

Later on in the night they found themselves on the couch. Ivan sat comfortably with his arms hanging onto the top, Alfred sitting beside him cradling a beer.

"Why are we watching figure skating?"

On screen the man did a triple sow cow. The people clapped.

"Is Evgeni Plushenko. So be quiet." The man on the screen then did another fancy trick that Alfred didn't really know the name of. The people clapped again as he moved swiftly across the ice. Alfred took a sip of his beer.

"So you're gonna be hosting the olympics soon huh?" Ivan nodded. Alfred nodded. The figure skater did a jump, "So that's exciting." Ivan remained silent, watching the screen intently. America sighed slightly and looked around the room. Everything just looked so different when he was tall. Before he could have sworn that the coffee table was massive, but now it just seemed so small.

He kicked his legs up and fell (not so elegantly) sideways onto Ivan's lap. Russia remained motionless, watching the final part of the ice dance before making his move. When the skater had finally done his last spin and bowed he looked down at Alfred, who was now nursing the beer bottle. He could make a comment. He could tell Alfred that his head was resting in a grown man's lap, but then things would just be awkward.

Plus Russia didn't really mind that much. Sure Alfred smelled a bit, but that's was bleach was for. So instead he just reached down and rested his hand on the other's head. Alfred pulled his beer away.

"We gonna keep watching this?"

"Yes."

"Because I wouldn't mind some kind of sports channel... or movie... or something that doesn't grade people on their gracefulness."

"Is my house, my rules. Besides, you had no say before, so what is different now?"

"Now I can actually communicate with you."

"I see your lips moving but all I hear is 'deedle deedle dee'."

Alfred glared at the screen. Ivan smiled. At that moment both cats wandered into the room. Americat, who was horrified at the scene, immediately jumped onto the head of the couch and walked over to Ivan so he could look him in the eyes. Russiacat jumped onto the couch and curled up next to Alfred's feet, chewing on his big toe slightly. America kicked him lightly, Russia looked up at the cat who was at eye level.

"Yes?"

"Meow. Meowmoew."

"Oh that is interesting."

"Meow- meow meow. MMMRRRReow."

"Hmmm. I do see your point." And then he shoved the cat off the couch. With a loud THUD the cat fell and growled loudly. Ivan chuckled and took a sip of his own beer. Americat rounded the couch and glared before jumping up and meowing loudly at Alfred. Alfred waved him off.

"You're fine dude. Just chill."

"MEOW-"

"Ugh fine!" Alfred reached over with his free hand and pulled the cat close, who was now purring loudly.

And so the four of them sat there, two with a beer, watching the figure skaters dance and twirl on the ice. Alfred's arm hung over the end of the couch, his bottle dangling above the floor. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

It smelt like cigarettes and hard alcohol. Something he had tried to recreate in a small room in his own house, but had failed. That room felt empty and pointless.

This place though, it had purpose. It had a feeling to it.

He swung the beer bottle gently as he allowed the thoughts in his head to slowly drain away. Because right now he didn't have to think about things. He didn't have to worry about life. He could just lay there and rest.

A large hand stroked his hair and rested on his neck.

It was quiet for a while. The two cats purred as the announcer commented on the different skaters. Alfred drowned it out, just focusing on the warmth of his body and the feeling of security.

"It's strange," Ivan began, his voice rather soft and low, "Though you aren't in the same form, I missed this. I missed yo-"

"Yeah, before you go into a deep love confession, I should probably mention that I'm still awake." Alfred coughed, his eyes still closed. Ivan reached down and lightly pinched his nose. Alfred swatted the larger hand away before it rested once more on his head.

"Even so…" And silence once more. But it wasn't awkward. It just kind of existed. It just sort of happened. America waited as Ivan put his thoughts together and tried again. But this time he was more direct. More to the point.

"Alfred, what are we exactly?" The younger nation kept his eyes closed as he took the question in. He wrinkled his nose in thought. He had asked the same thing many times while alone in the dark, when the rest of the world had gone to bed. He swayed his beer bottle once more.

"Well. I don't want to kiss you and stuff. Do you want to kiss me and stuff?"

"No."

"Ok, well then we're not _that_." More silence. The cats happily purred away as they slept.

"But still….I do enjoy this sort of thing. The-"

_don't say it_

"Touching."

And then the silence became slightly awkward. Ever so slightly.

"Yeah but- like there are different types of touching-"

"Yes-"

"So we do friendship touching. So we're friends bro."

Ivan let out a breath and Alfred opened his eyes. On screen the programmed ended, the station switching to poker instead.

"But friends do not do this. They do not… they do not touch like this."

"Yeah they do. You just wouldn't know because you don't have any friends." Ivan wrinkled his nose. On screen seven poker players sat, their faces cold and emotionless. Each held their cards up, studying the others carefully, trying to figure out what they were thinking.

"I... do not think we are friends. I think we are more than friends."

"But we're not _that_-"

"I know."

The third player threw some chips on the table and upped the stakes. The others folded except for one other player. The two went head on, each staring down at their own cards.

"It's kind of weird." Alfred laughed. Ivan sighed.

"Alfred…"

The two players placed their final bets. And then it was a showdown. Both looked at each other, readying themselves for the final result. It was time to put the cards on the table. It was time to show their hand.

"I... you know... like what went on back there. Back at that big meeting. It was true and…"

"I know."

The first man took a deep breath. His eyes darted from his opponents to his hand. And then with a final breath he placed them on the table. He was all in, his cards shown.

"I… I care about you," Alfred gripped his beer bottle as he stared at the screen, at the man who just revealed everything he had, "But not like- not like… not like I loved _her_ you know? It's not a burning... passionate thing. It's this kind of... warmth. Like I just... I just want to know how you are and what you're doing and…" He shuttered, refusing to look up at Ivan, refusing to show his own disgraceful face, "I want to be in contact with you."

"It is the same but…" The other man on the screen showed his own hand, placing all his cards on the table as he let out a long breath, "I just don't know if this is... ok. For you I mean. There is a reason I keep people far away from me-"

"Is it because you beat the hell out of them? Because you already do that to me and I can deal with it pretty well."

"Well that," Ivan smiled, "But… I just don't want to hurt you. Mentally. Because I do so physically but mentally...it's worse." He sighed and stroked Alfred's hair, "But then, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't miss this. I enjoy your company. Other people just don't seem to... understand, the way you do." Both men on screen stared at each other. In their poker match the first had won, but for Ivan and Alfred there was no winner.

Just more confusion.

"So where do we go from here?" Alfred sighed, his chest suddenly becoming heavy. Ivan continued to stroke his hair and hummed.

"I suppose... we just continue as we are."

"Is that ok? To keep doing this? I mean... I lied when I said… like friends normally don't do this." Ivan reached to the side and placed his beer bottle on the free table beside him.

"I have lived a very long time," He began, his free hand resting on Alfred's arm, "And I have learned that some things are best learned through experience. We do not know what the future holds... so perhaps we will just have to find out by getting there." Alfred placed his own beer bottle down and pulled his arm close to himself almost giving himself a hug.

"Will that be ok though?"

"We will just have to find out. For now, I suppose, we shall just enjoy one another's company. We will see what happens."

Alfred closed his eyes and let out a small breath.

"It's a little scary."

"I know." And then the silence once more. Ivan gave Alfred's arm a little rub, "But we have each other."

And then the silence fully took over the room. The cats quietly purred as the tv barely whispered its commentary.

Ivan stroked Alfred's hair softly as the younger nation began to drift off into sleep. Maybe it was a little scary, not knowing what the future held. But sometimes that was ok. Because Ivan was right, as long as they had each other they would be able to figure everything out. Where they stood. What they meant to one another.

Ivan smiled down at his little friend. _Friend_. It had been a long time since he had had one of those. What if he messed it up? What if he scared him away? Russia shook his head. He would just have to be more careful this time. More aware of his actions. He grinned again. Besides, wasn't he allowed a little happiness in his life?

And so the two stayed like that. Not really knowing what the future held, but prepared to go along and understand this strange relationship they had created. Because if they stuck together and really tried, then maybe things would work out.

Maybe.


End file.
